“True love doesn’t have a happy ending, because true love never ends. Letting go is one way of saying I love you.” ~ Unknown

“We can never turn back the pages of time, though we may wish to relive a happy moment, or say goodbye just one last time, we never can, because the sands of time continue to fall, and we can’t turn the hourglass over.” ~ Unknown

I feel worse today than yesterday.

I'm suddenly so heartbroken by the sight of him that I feel as if my tears will abandon the ducts they've made into homes.

I feel sick when I hear his voice.

I'm not even at the point where I'm so hurt I want to hurt him back... or perhaps I'm simply beyond it and have found that no solace will assuage this cavern of hurt inside.

I just feel empty.

I feel absent of anything yet drowned by everything.

To One in Paradise

"Thou wast all that to me, love,

For which my soul did pine-

A green isle in the sea, love,

A fountain and a shrine,

All wreathed with fairy fruits and flowers,

And all the flowers were mine.

Ah, dream too bright to last!

Ah, starry Hope! that didst arise

But to be overcast!

A voice from out the Future cries,

"On! on!"- but o'er the Past

(Dim gulf!) my spirit hovering lies

Mute, motionless, aghast!

For, alas! alas! me

The light of Life is o'er!

"No more- no more- no more-"

(Such language holds the solemn sea

To the sands upon the shore)

Shall bloom the thunder-blasted tree

Or the stricken eagle soar!

And all my days are trances,

And all my nightly dreams

Are where thy grey eye glances,

And where thy footstep gleams-

In what ethereal dances,

By what eternal streams."

~Edgar Allen Poe

M

For some odd reason I miss you today.

I would like a hug.

I still love you.

It made me sick yesterday to have sit at the stop light next to you. That was excrutiatingly awkward.

Every time I see you, your name, or think of you that pit in my stomach opens up and attempts to swallow everything around it.

I'm pretty sure you never read this. If you do, just know this is still hard for me.

I just saw you walk by. You always walk so fast.

I wish you didn't have to hate me. I wish I could talk to you about this. I wish I could explain these things to you so you would be able to understand.

I miss you. God you're an asshole.

What's hilariously ironic and fitting is that I chose to end this. I chose to "abort the mission". I chose to not be with you because I felt suffocated and backed into a corner. I was scared about your expectations of me with your son. I was scared of my expectations for you.

I wish Fish wasn't pregnant. What a constant reminder, huh? It's hard for me and I rarely see her, it must be really painful for you since you sit right next to her.

I broke down on Sunday after my run with George. I killed my own kid, you know? I don't think I'll be able to remember what kind of horrid selfishness served as the catalyst for that poor decision... I am full of regret. I am full of guilt. I am full of sadness.

You just walked by again.

I wish I could run after you.

For my friend Angie

“You can shed tears that she is gone,
or you can smile because she has lived.
You can close your eyes and pray that she'll come back,
or you can open your eyes and see all she's left.
Your heart can be empty because you can't see her,
or you can be full of the love you shared.
You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday,
or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.
You can remember her only that she is gone,
or you can cherish her memory and let it live on.
You can cry and close your mind,
be empty and turn your back.
Or you can do what she'd want:
smile, open your eyes, love and go on.”

~ David Harkins