everything worth fretting over can be forgotten when thoughts are constantly displaced

It has become so exhausting for me with my new schedule. I'm hoping that after a few more weeks of this, my body will have adjusted. I don't know quite how to explain it except to say that I always wake up feeling tired.

I haven't seen Riss all week. I'm hoping that things go quickly tomorrow so that she and I can get some dinner or something. I'm helping Sherry move into her new house. Today was her last day at work; she got a paralegal position which is more to her skill set than her current job.

I'm going to see Wilco on Sunday with Paul. We had lunch this week and we caught up on a lot of things. He seems to be doing well.

I have math tutoring on Sunday morning. I hope I my mind will work and remember most of that stuff.

School is good, work is good-- oh we're moving downstairs to our new offices week after next. That's definitely something I'm looking forward to.

-_-zzzz

Yaaaaaawn.

I hope this zit goes away before Sunday.

I have a lot of shit to do for school.

I have to go to bed now.

After weeks of calm storms...

My weekend was pretty productive. I had lunch will all of my parents over the course of two days, did my laundry and homework on Sunday, and spent some quality time with George/Larissa/Riss/Teenie.

Friday I went to dinner with Mark. It was nice having some conversations about the universe and time. It was also nice to relax and just hang out although I know he got irritated with how many times I brought up Dan and Cory. I feel like sometimes I just can't help it! They pop into my head and then never leave, they insist on coming up the most random of ways, without any reason or explaination.

Saturday I slept in a little bit (it gets very exhausting working full time and then going to school every night of the week). I went into work for a few hours and then went to my dad's. I met his new dog, Scully. She is so cute! And Dad is just about the cutest guy ever evs playing with her. He gets such a kick out of her. She seems to be learning well. I like her because she doesn't jump up on your or bark. She's very nice. After that I went home and George stopped by so we could pick out the pictures we wanted to get developed from our trip to Cali. We bearned them onto a cd and dropped them off at Walgreens. We stopped at Boston Market and got dinner and then we went for a drive up to Red Rocks. It's always so nice being up there, I seem to fall into my meditative breathing almost automatically. Breathing Dan out, breathing myself in. We picked up our pictures shortly there after and as we were going through them, we noticed we was a missing one of the duplicates... some creep must have taken it. So weird. We swung by Winchels (sp) and got some donuts and then went back to my house and watched the Secrets of the YaYa Sisterhood. It was a "cute" movie.

Sunday was brutal. I got my Starbucks as usual but the massive amount of reading was unbearable. I won't ever wait to do my reading again. What a pain in the ass! I got all of my reading for Western Civ and Astronomy done but English is still outstanding... Laundry took two seconds because I left all of my clothes in the drier. I was reading right up until I went bed, with a few breaks in between. The first break was for lunch with my Mom and Stepdad. We went to this place near my house called Old School Burgers, it was good. The next break I took was to watch my shows I had recorded from earlier in the week. I had three total: Inuyasha, Ghost Hunters, and the Universe. All very good, all breathed new life into me and I was revived to finish my reading.

No perfect weekend can go without interruption and I should have known that after a few weeks of calm seas, some storm would roll in and put me to the test. He text messaged me a few times this weekend. And honestly, all I can say is I don't care. I know nothing will come of it because he doesn't want me. He may waver because he's lonely but I mean nothing to him. So I'm not going up my Hope Ladder for him. I can't stand it when he forces me back down to the ground. So all I can do is be nice and civil and not make anything he says have any worth or weight or value what so ever. There's just no point in setting myself up. That being said... it is hard to resist this. I am so in love with his eyes...

I don't think it's too much to ask...

that you step out of my head for a moment so that I may go one minute without missing you.

Thank you

I am pumped for:

1. My astronomy class- the prof cancelled Tuesdays class because he was still out of town. I am so excited for this! I watched a program on television last night about Uranus and Pluto and their moons. Too cool!

2. New episode of Bleach tonight! [I didn't follow up on my last post regarding Bleach where I stated I expected nothing more than more bullshit filler... well I was wrong. They actually picked back up on the main story line again]

3. This weekend. Riss and I are going to Waterworld! Freaking sweet!!!!!

On my list of things to do:
1. External Hard Drive- I've been doing tons of research on these guys and I think I've finally made a decision. SimpleTech External Hard Drive- it has 250GB (the C drive on my PC has about 75GB total room, which is all full now, hence the need for this little guy). The reviews on this are decent and I certainly can't complain about the price, it's $70.00.

2. Sell my old books. I'm probably going to do this with my dad this weekend after we go to lunch. I have five books from when I went to Metro... my books for this semester were $346.00. Ridiculous!

3. Lots of homework, lots of video games, a medium amount of anime, and some casual reading.

I saw "Shoes" last night when leaving work. God he's so hot.

School starts today! Yay! Western Civ here I come!

I had a good weekend. Riss and I got some wine on Friday and watched 300 for like, the tenth time or something. "...Our arrows will blot out the sun" "Then we will fight in the shade!". We went to the Drive In on Saturday. We were going to see the Bourne Ultimatum but apparently there was a car on fire in that area so we had to watch the Simpsons Movie. One long episode with cursing and nudity. Pretty sweet I guess. Transformers (Transporters LOL) was fucking awesome! The dude who did Optimus Prime's voice has to be the same one who did his voice in the cartoon.

I didn't do much of anything yesterday, just layed around and drank my Starbucks. Yum!

I have some stupid training class today that I have to be heading out for soon... ridiculous.

Every time I start thinking about him, I try to convince myself that I don't care.

One Fine Day

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iNQYIBZQuq4

Watch this... it's an amazing time- lapse of a day in Seattle but it's not what you would expect.

^_^

tomorrow you will suck harder.

School is starting on Mondee. I'm wondering if my FAFSA (aka FASFA because for some reason or another, I can't pronounce FAFSA, it ends up coming out FAFASA) will be approved before then.

Erik left for Fort Collins this morning. It made me realize just how old I actually am. Scary. We'll be graduating from college around the same time which is exciting!

I haven't been running, I kind of lost any motivation to push myself. I've become lazy again, doing nothing but the things that demand very little physical exertion. Video games, guitar, anime, and writing account for most of my time these days. Thoughts of Daniel have subsided for the most part however I've foung myself thinking of him frequently today.

Ryan and I are on the outs today. I think we were both grouchy this morning... we haven't spoken since he arrived at work.

Speaking of work, things have gotten much better although I still wonder if my boss likes me. I hope she does, I have a new found respect for her.

All in all, things are well. Mom is sick but hopefully she's feeling better today. I'm hoping that Ryan and I work things out before tomorrow night as I have decided I need to get drunk again.

"I hope that in mid air, I can trip into your mind, and instead of seeing nothing there, a picture of myself I will find."

bored at work... being entertained by the following....

"That's why I love Jen! You can turn her on like a light switch... especially when I'm around."

Nicole is too fucking funny. She sure did a good job of getting me out of my VBA this morning. Her and Teresa.

Teresa sent out this email (only to the "cool" kids):

pick the month you were born in:
January-I kicked
February-I loved
March-I did the Macarena with
April-I played with
May-I choked on
June-I murdered
July-I sang to
August-I had lunch with
September-I danced with
October-I smoked
November-I yelled at
December-I ran over
Pick the day (number) you were born on:
1--------a paperclip
2--------a monster
3--------a phone
4--------a fork
5--------a gangster
6--------a Mexican
7--------my cell phone
8--------my dog
9--------my best friends’ boyfriend
10-------my neighbor
11-------an ipod
12-------a banana
13-------chuck Norris
14-------a stuffed animal
15-------a goat
16-------a pickle
17-------your mom
18-------a spoon
19-------myself
20-------a football player
21-------a ninja
22-------a fireman
23-------a noodle
24-------a squirrel
25-------a baseball bat
26-------my sister
27-------my brother
28-------my science teacher
29-------a permanent marker
30-------a llama
31-------A homeless guy
Pick the color of shirt you are wearing:
White----- Because I was high.
Black------ Because that's how I roll.
Pink------- Because I’m NOT homosexual.
Red------- Because the voices told me to.
Blue------- Because I’m sexy and do what I want
Green----- Because I hate myself.
Purple----- Because I'm cool.
Gray-------Because I was drunk
Yellow---- Because someone offered me 1,000,000 dollars
Orange---- Because I hate my family.
Other------ Because that's how I roll.
None------ Because I cant control myself.
Put the phrases together, type the phrase in the subject box, pass it on to your friends and don't forget to send me a copy!!


A few of my favorites are:

Mine- I played with a fork because I was high (LOL)
Nicole- I danced with your mom because I'm NOT homosexual
Josh- I had lunch with my best friends' boyfriend because I'm sexy and I do what I want
Mark- I murdered my cell phone because I hate myself
Sherry- I ran over my sister because I was high (but we say drunk)

Sam's and Teresa's were also pretty funny...

Teresa- I had lunch with my brother because that's how I roll
Sam- I yelled at my sister because that's how I roll

I'm getting ready to watch the newest episode of Bleach...

I'm expecting nothing more than more bullshit filler.

but I don't want to go to bed!!!!!

I bought a Game Cube this afternoon and have been playing it all night. I joked when I got home, "Dan, you've been replaced." I'm always bad with video games, I get addicted and then the chances of me leaving my apartment are slim to none.

I wrote the last chapter of my book last night but that doesn't mean I'm finished. No where near it actually. After a series of complicated mathematical equations, I figured I still need to account for nearly 300 more pages of information. I might skip some holidays and the like but before I make any decisions, I'm going to have Mark read it. He's the only one I trust with something I hold so close to my heart. If it sucks I know he'll tell me but in a nice way.

My final grade in Psychology is a B. ^_^ One certainly can't complain about that.

I've been doing much better but I always say that when we haven't spoken for a while. At the moment he's out of the country so my mind is settled a bit. No random text messages or emails (although I know he took his laptop and probably has access to his account...) I don't have to wait in anticipation for something to pull on my heart strings again. At this very moment I feel very over him but that changes with the weather. Every thing still reminds me of him so now I have to classically condition myself back to how I was before he came around. I'm pretty sure I've forgotten what he looks like.

I'm tired but I always hate going to bed. I'm definitely a night owl or whatevs.

I have plans to hang out with Saira tomorrow night which makes me really happy and I am most definitely looking forward to seeing her. I am going to make more of an effort to see her and the other people I feel comfortable being myself around. There are very few of them and unfortunately, it appears the number is shrinking. Things have been weird between Larissa and I but it makes me feel quite uneasy to talk about it so I'm not going to. At any rate, it should be a good time tomorrow.

I want to play video games with Ryan really bad though. I'd like to have that competition. :) He's pretty busy this week but perhaps next week. Dan will still be gone.

I wonder about those boys... I find I'm still concerned for them even though I don't want to be, even though I don't feel like any of them care for me. I might bake them cupcakes this weekend, again, since Dan is out of town. That way it won't be weird... unless that is weird. I don't know if there's some line I'm crossing by trying to be friends with these dudes. I'm not sure how I'm being viewed at the moment and I don't really know if they actually want to be friends with me but I would say it's a safe assumption to say the love me. LOL ^_^

I have to register for fall classes now; I'm signing up for three. I have BCAP stuff this weekend (possibly) and definitely at the end of the month. I have to get some sort of personal resume together for the girl's organization I want to volunteer for (I FINALLY heard back from the lady) and I have to start running again. Not for Dan and maybe not even for myself, but just for the hell of it, ya know?

Bleaches took a break this week so nothing to report as far as the filler situation is concerned.

Oh apparently I've been hanging out with Malachi... I wasn't aware of such things but perhaps I've been drugged or drunk or sleeping every time we do... oh and I would have had to fly/ drive to Vegas to do it... my goodness, is this for real? And do people actually expect me to believe some of the bullshit lines they feed me? LOL. That's really all that needs to be said.

B is for BADASS!

I got an 86 on my last exam; it looks like I'll be passing with a B! How fabulous is that? What a great start. In retrospect it seems easy, but now I have to imagine the stress and time multiplied by four. I still have such a long road in front of me but I know I can accomplish anything at this point.

I read that being optimistic is helpful in more than one way. I've written before about how I want to be a "half glass full" type but apparently I'm too much of the "half assed" type to follow through with it. I'm going to try harder now. It's much more constructive to think that you're ok, you know, like "hey I'm not half bad!".

California was great... too much happened for me to write about. Also some of it is too personal. At any rate, it was a much needed escape that brought a lot of things to a clarity which I can't describe...

With that being said, and with this addition: I read about the physiological aspects that come into play as far as finding a boyfriend/ girlfriend are concerned. Actually I read a lot that has helped me figure some things out.

First of all, I must stop with this catastrophic thinking. Catastrophic thinking is when you blame yourself for something that happened because of an outside circumstance. I have been blaming myself for this break up when in reality, multiple factors came into play. And for all intents and purposes, he didn't technically break up with me. My reaction to his "I don't know" response was what closed the deal. There is nothing wrong with "me", nor is there anything wrong with "him", it is "us" who is dysfunctional.

Second, if I continue to allow this to frustrate me, I will continue on this path of poor mental health. The stress I am putting myself through is far more detrimental than me just letting him go.

Third, the only real reason why I'm having such a hard time letting him go is because of my physiological desires/ needs. He is the ideal mate or whatevs; he's driven and goal oriented, he's got money and a house, and he's terribly intelligent. It's something we've adapted throughout the years, this desire to be with someone settled and well rounded. I lost what my physiological self thought was perfect. Stupid physiological self.

Overall I'm feeling great and having a few new perspectives and some useful tips on thinking and dealing with stress, I feel like a brand new girl.