MaKenna Acosta

Rikki had her baby girl today!

MaKenna was born today, December 27th at 1:46 pm. She weighed six pounds, eight ounces and was nineteen inches long. Rikki was in labor for about fourteen hours but is doing fine. MaKenna has blue eyes (of course) and blonde hair. She is so John's baby. ; )

Congratulations to both Rikki and MaKenna!

Reeses Theif, Red Bull says Merry Christmas, and No more Mrs. Nice Jen

We got Christmas candy from management today. How did they know that I was in some serious need of caffeinated chocolate flavored candies? Brilliant! Apparently Ryan the Temp doesn’t care for Mr. Goodbar so he made me an offer: Goodbar for a peppermint patty. But as quickly as he grabbed up the foil wrapped chocolate, he put it back down and tried to steal a Reeses. Anyone who knows me at all knows that Reeses are my all time favorite. Don’t mess with the perfect marriage that is Reeses’ peanut butter with the so-so taste of Hershey’s chocolate. Don’t even go there with me. After a quick fight that Scott nearly had to break up, Ryan the Temp finally gave in and took the peppermint patty guy back. I won!

The girl who chews her tongue was offered a permanent position. I have to say that after many hours spent making fun of her, I have finally gotten sick of it and now I’m just nice.

“Jen is the sweetest somebody I know” is what Jason wrote on my board. Apparently Sam Haley would beg to differ (obviously not put as eloquently). She said something along the lines of “I would have to argue with that”. Please. I am by far one of the nicest people in this office, in this state, and on this planet. Anyone who thinks otherwise only feels that way because I do not care for them. Clarice could tell you there was a time when she thought I was mean. Again, that is only because I didn’t care to be around her. Sam Haley is an individual that I can’t even force myself to converse with, whether it’s about school (and her purchasing essays from an online site and submitting them as her own work) or, as she so properly coined, “butt warmers”, I have no patience to deal with someone who has such little intellect and nearly nothing to offer as far as decent, intriguing, back and forth conversations go. I bet if I brought up a simple subject like geography she would fail miserably. Angie suggested that perhaps Sam and an ex of mine would make a good couple but she immediately reneged and said that instead, they would be a hilarious couple to watch. Him with all of his brains but no common sense and no emotion, her without any brains and lack of tact… Laughing out loud… ferociously hard.

Tomorrow I will run Fassler. Oh Jesus help us all. I hope it never comes to that. I hope no one ever runs me, today, tomorrow, or years from now. Perhaps what he was trying to say was “Tomorrow I will ruin Fassler” in which case, there is no need because he already did! Thank god now all he is is another reminder of what not do, who not to date, and who to avoid like they are the fucking plague. Although the damage done is minimal at best, he still had some sort of an affect on me. Especially since I spent so much time doubting myself. But I feel brand new. I feel like I did long ago… before Aaron and Cory, before AJ and Ryan, before all of the boys whose hearts I’ve broken. And perhaps Mark was right, perhaps Dan was the giver of my karma. Every action has a consequence.

I’m going to another Buddhist meeting this Friday. Clarice is going to be leading the chanting so I’m excited for her. She’s nervous but I know she’ll do just fine and of course, she’s in good company.

Today is another giant Red Bull day. Ryan and I went to the gas station down the street. We have to drink them lukewarm. Yuck. Apparently they’re discontinuing the 16 ounce cans. I’m so sad.

I’m almost done with my shopping but I have to pick up some things this weekend. Merry fucking Christmas to me! I hate shopping. I hate Christmas. I hate all holidays in general. A poor excuse to boost the suffering economy and a way to say, “I love you so here’s a gift card. Now I don’t want to have to see you again until a year from today. God bless.” We always have to go to mass with Nana on Christmas Eve but I think I’ll skip it this year. I don’t consider myself a Catholic or a Christian so why go through the motions? Just to appease those around me? Pfffftt! No thank you.

After the holidays are over Larissa and I are going to go skiing with Ryan and Cris. We’re also planning a fun little ice skating day in Evergreen. All of the boys said they would come. I’m thinking some hot totties are in order before we don our skates! And of course there will be pictures! I’m thinking maybe we should invite Kate and one of her friends. I’m sure she and I have more in common besides the fact that we both love Ryan and there’s no reason why we shouldn’t make an attempt to be friends.

Now it’s time for work. And room temperature Red Bull. And dreams of Chipotle filling my hungry tummy.

I think I'm going to try harder to guard my heart this coming year. After all that has happened, I've learned only one thing: My heart is where my problems dwell.

A love song for Jesus

Boy you looked right through me, mmmhmm
Play it cool
But I knew you knew
That cupid hit me, mmm mmm
You got me trippin, stumbling, flippin, fumbling
Clumsy cuz I'm fallin in love
You got me slippin, tumbling, sinking, fumbling
Clumsy cuz I'm fallin in love
So in love with you
Can't help it
The girl can't help it
The girl can't help it
The girl can't help it
Can't breath
When you touch my sleeve,
Butterflies so crazy, mmm mmm
Whoa now, think I'm goin down
Friends don't know what’s with me, mmm mmm
You got me trippin, stumbling, flippin, fumbling
Clumsy cuz I'm fallin in love
You got me slippin, tumbling, sinking, fumbling
Clumsy cuz I'm fallin in love
So in love with you
Can't help it
The girl can't help it
The girl can't help it
The girl can't help it
You know, this isn't the first time this has happened to me
This love sick thing
I like serious relationships and
A girl like me don’t stay single for long
Cuz every time a boyfriend and I break up
My world is crushed and I'm all alone
The love bug crawls right back up and bites me and I'm back
Can't help it
The girl can't help it
The girl can't help it
The girl can't help it
You got me trippin, stumbling, flippin, fumbling
Clumsy cuz I'm fallin in love
You got me slippin, tumbling, sinking, fumbling
Clumsy cuz I'm fallin in love
So in love with you
So in love with you
So in love with you

Laughing Out Loud at Ron

-----Original Message-----

From: J LoL
Sent: Monday, December 17, 2007 3:13 PM
To: Ron
Subject: Please

don't tell anyone how stupid I am.

Jennifer L.
Document Specialist
AML Compliance
720 XXX XXXX
Please consider the environment before printing this e-mail

From: Ron
Sent: Monday, December 17, 2007 3:19 PM
To: J LoL
Subject: RE: Please

haha, ok. you aren't stupid.

From: J LoL
Sent: Monday, December 17, 2007 3:28 PM
To: Ron
Subject: RE: Please

thank you. I really appreciate the fact that you'll keep my retardation a secret.

From: Ron
Sent: Monday, December 17, 2007 3:29 PM
To: J LoL
Subject: RE: Please

haha, no problem.

From: J LoL
Sent: Monday, December 17, 2007 3:31 PM
To: Ron
Subject: RE: Please

not that I think it's a secret. I'm pretty sure everyone is aware of it. I just don't want them knowing about this particular set of circumstances.

From: Ron
Sent: Monday, December 17, 2007 3:32 PM
To: J LoL
Subject: RE: Please

as long as they don't have the internet i think you are in the clear.

"What the poet laments holds for the mathematician. That he writes his works with the blood of his heart."

Thank you.

A circle isn’t a circle at all. = God isn’t God at all.
My beautiful proof lies all in ruins.
“I must.”



S = k. log W Probability undermines certainty
While such certainty might seem desirable, the real world just isn’t like that

A timeless and perfect world is dead
The real world is alive precisely because it changes

Disorder and decay= entropy Boltzmann is the genius of disorder
Entropy shows why no system can be perfect, there must be some disorder
Entropy is what changes the ticking of the clock into the destroyer of all things.

Entropy is decay and with decay, nothing lasts forever.

...captured mortality in an equation.



What holds our ideas together when God is dead? Without God the pebble is dislodged and a landslide released, and WWII killed God.

When all else fails, hitch yourself to the back of someone else’s star

“Ten four Delta, your customer called back.”
My car died. Well not actually. But it did in the middle of Wadsworth while on my way to work on Tuesday. I had to pull over into the parking lot of an apartment complex and Nicole had to come and get me. I was forty five minutes late to work because of that debacle. My car is being fixed as we speak (hopefully).

Also, I’m supposed to get new tires. The ones I have are hardly effective in the snow here. I remember a day last year where I nearly rear-ended someone because my tires failed to grip the slushy white stuff. That almost ruined my Valentines Day!!!

LOLrissa has been taking me to work. I’ve been here since 6:45 and slowly (but surely) I’m getting tired. Time for more caffeine!

I’ve been reviewing the work of some new employees and my eyes feel like they’re about ready to fall out of my head. I hate having to review anything, especially because of Student X (see previous post).

I printed out a bunch of my poetry last night. I found a really great little picture to put on the front of these little books I’m making for people. Cheesy I know, and a bit self- righteous, but really, people have been bugging me for quite some time so I figured I would surprise them with a teeny book of poetry for Christmas. I made one for Mark last year and I think he liked it.

Speaking of… wow what a situation this has become. I’ve felt all out of sorts since our fight so I’ve been trying to make up with him but he’s just not having it. Random text messages indicate the norm: that he’s thinking of me just like so many others. Laugh Out Loud. But really it’s getting ridiculous. There are a few people on this planet that need to forget they ever knew me. I am dead to them. They know who they are. Granted no one reads this blog so saying these things here is fruitless but all the same, I like to get it off my chest. I like to pretend a lot of the time. I pretend that I’m standing face to face with one of these people and then I say out loud what I would really like to say to them. It’s very relieving but at the same point in time, it hurts. I don’t want to be mean them. I don’t want to make them hurt, even though they’ve made me hurt. That’s just not the way I’m wired. Sure I’ll say things, but I immediately regret them when I think of how the person feels. Sometimes I think I really am a bad person. Sometimes I wonder… I wonder how much like my father I really am…

But back to Mark. Well not for long. He told me yesterday that he doesn’t know me. That hurt. See, more hurt. I wish I had no feelings, you know? I really wish I had a different heart. I wish the stupid thing didn’t always open up for people so easily, so quickly. It’s bullshit really. Laughing out loud.

I stole a sip of Ryan’s Red Bull. Laughing (really hard) out loud. He’s jealous of my Devo cd. He wishes he had one too. : D
Breaking News:

-----Original Message-----
From: Ryan
Sent: Thursday, December 13, 2007 10:42 AM
To: Jennifer Lynn
Subject: :(

R.I.P. Jewbaru.

Wow. Am I sad? A little bit. I certainly feel his pain. Poor guy. I'll pray and chant for him to get a new car quickly.... a prayer to ease his stress.... a chant for his over all wellbeing. God I'm so nice.

MOOOONEEEY!, A Thousand Words, Essays, and more

Money money money- MOOOONEEEY!

Work has been about the same; although things seem to have gotten better it only makes me wonder what will go wrong next. We have a new girl who chews on her tongue. Sometimes I wish I could do the same, it might save me some of the headache that my mouth brings about.

A weekend is worth a thousand words

I spent all weekend with my parents. It was so nice and relaxing to be home again, to smell my mother on my clothes and to wake to the sound of her voice. This is one of the small joys of living. Something so special but so easily taken for granted.

Essays for my esses who hate essays

School ended on a good but frustrating note. My English teacher was having me review some essays from other classes (because I am just that good). There was one I found particularly interesting (and this is where the frustrating part comes in). It was a letter to the editor in response to an op-ed column about the holidays. The essay itself was horrible. No plausible links from one paragraph to the next and while his idea was good, none of his arguments were logical. I had also wondered how his classmates would view him after they heard his essay. His introduction almost made it seem as if he didn’t like Jews and had some sort of irrational expectation that everyone should participate in Christmas. My theory was confirmed after I shared the essay with Larissa, my mother, my father, and a couple of other classmates. All agreed that after his introduction, they could focus on nothing else because they assumed they knew what the essay was going to be about. In the end, this fellow’s point was that all holiday traditions have lost their meaning which is what the actual op-ed article was about. It was extremely difficult giving feedback on such a thing especially because there is no right way to say, “Hey I think you’re painting yourself as a Hitler-esque Christmas lover.” I had to buckle down and suck it up. I phoned him and after what felt like hours of small talk, I had to break the news.

“As you know, Dr. Winograd is having me review the work completed by you and the other students in your class.”

“Uh huh” I pictured him silently nodding- a sign that he might know what was to come.

“Anyway, I read your essay and there are a few things that I wanted to critique you on…”

From there the conversation just went downhill. He was offended at the thought of offending anyone. He didn’t see his essay as something that might spark argument or feelings of anger. I attempted to persuade. There was no winning with him.

After much frustration and wonder, I told Dr. Winograd that I tried to help but to no avail. She comforted me with the fact that it’s still his essay, not mine. Dr. Winograd emailed me yesterday and told me how the presentations went. Sure enough, Student X kept his essay the way it was. And sure enough, someone was offended.

What I’ve learned from this:

That there may be a first amendment protecting our right to say whatever we please but that doesn’t necessarily mean that we should say it.

That many holiday traditions have lost their true meaning but one shouldn’t forget there are still people out there who abide by “old school rules”. There are still plenty of Christians who think of Christmas as Christ’s birthday. There are many Jewish folks who go through their Chanukah celebrations. There are even more Africans who participate in Kwanzaa the way that it should be. Sure there is still commercialism and selfishness, stress and disbelief at what can seem to be the worst time of the year.

So this year, I’m dreaming of a nice, quiet Christmas. I’m hoping for a calm and peaceful Chanukah. And I’m praying for a better, more fulfilling Kwanzaa. And maybe I’ll ask Santa to give the gift of tact to Student X.

The Theory

Ahh and of course there’s “The Theory”. The Theory is something that Clarice came up with (although I coined the term) which many of us have been testing. Here’s what it is:
You say something. You may not believe it but you say it. After saying it for so long, your brain will catch up and you’ll be convinced of it (whatever “it” may be). Mine is that I’m over it. Over all of it. Over my love for Dan. Over my need for Cory. Over my deepest desires to be BFFs with Ryan. Not only do I believe this, but now the second part of The Theory comes into play.
This part is:
Once you change your attitude towards those around you, they will in turn change their attitude towards you. The first piece of evidence for me:
Dan sent me a text. Sure there was nothing in it speaking volumes of how much he misses me. He doesn’t. But the point is that he still thinks of me. And perhaps the only reason he does is because now I don’t care. The second piece of evidence:
Ryan now visits my desk daily. He extends the invitation to come to his. No more Jen seeking out Ryan. No this time it’s different. I can’t ever replace Kate. I can’t be some sort of friend that I’m not meant to be. So I got over it. The third and final piece:
Cory texted me last night. Just a quick hello but all the same, he was reaching out none the less. And I kid you not, no more than twelve hours ago did I decided I was over it.
Larissa and Nicole have both tested this with outstanding results. Could it be that we’ve finally found a universal cure for all that ails us? Something for heartbreak, something to quiet loud thoughts, something to calm brewing seas of anxiety, and something to put us to sleep at night. More on The Theory is to come. As we test it of course.

Fin.

The end to a beginning

I slept at Cockroach last night. I woke up with an ear full of something that won’t let me listen to anyone other than myself. Fabulous.

I’ve run out of motivation for making logical arguments—wait have I actually made such a thing? Ever? I don’t think that I have made a logical move in the entirety of my life. The meaning of my existence is to be that apple which spoils the rest, to be an upset in the stomach that is life, to take the path that isn’t chosen but only when it fits my needs.

It’s funny to think of how much control one actually has over their life. I say something today, it impacts me tomorrow. It’s the Buddhist way of thinking. Such thoughts seem to infect most of my free minutes, the ones in between the thoughts of Daniel or that stupid letter to the editor that’s due tomorrow. And although at times it appears I have ultimate control, something happens which tries to make me doubt my newfound level of enlightenment. But I suppose it’s in those situations where one must find the one thing they can control and go forth. Move into the night not weary or unaware, but knowing that your own self is all you need.

I want to travel alone. Far away from the comforts of Colorado or California to a place that makes me thankful for our winters and lack of bitter cold. BJ has invited me to Alaska before he embarks on his nine month journey. I find myself entertaining thoughts of bundling up and the absent need for sunglasses. I don’t want warmth anymore. Warmth only turns to cold and vice versa. Can’t there be something in the middle, some lukewarm melancholy that stays stagnant and calm?

A shadow is approaching.

Take me, take me back to your bed, I want you so much that it hurts my head...

So a lot has taken place over the last week or so. I broke up with Chipotle. I don't know what it was, but a feeling came over me the last time we hung out and I just couldn't stand to be around him.

I have been seeing a lot of Cory lately (which has nothing to do with the Chipotle break up, it's merely coincidental). It's so nice to be around someone who shares your same sense of humor. He makes me laugh so hard.



I got a 98 on my in class essay. That's sweet.

Today is Saira's birthday, I think we might go out. Not too sure though.

I had a dream about Ryan last night and I woke up missing him hard.

I have a stuffy nose thanks to all of the downtown pollution.

I'm kind of tired. Yaaawwwwn.

People make me laugh. And I think I might change my major to journalism or something, either way I'm pumped for some Poly- Sci at DU. The Delegate University thing was a blast and I learned so much that I kind of wondered if I might forget some of it. Alas, I have retained a majority of what I learned and I plan on putting my knowledge to good use. I'm confident that the fund raising portion will most definitely help with the NPO. :)

I'm glad to have my Brand New CD back. As well as my laptop. I have to stop lending that stuff to people I've known less than a month.

<3

"You know..."

"... what one of the things I really like about you is? How even when you aren't here I can still smell your hair on the pillows, so it feels like you are sleeping right next to me."

I got a hair cut. It looks pretty damn good. Kudos to Saira and her Con Air razor. LOL.

We found the picture of "that thing in the middle." Shit, we laughed for hours at that thing and this time we weren't on shrooms. LOL.

We also found a picture of Cory and Kevin. What good looking boys! Everytime I find pictures of Cory, I kick myself for breaking up with him. We were such a beautiful couple. Even when he was sporting a mullet. LOL.

Brand New is on Fridee. Fuck yeah! I can harldy wait!

Buddha- Fuck Yeah! Democrats- Fuck Yeah! Dropping Western Civ like it's hot- Fuck Yeah!

Things are going not so hot with Chipotle. It's not me this time, I think it's him. Well yeah of course it is. I'm trying to fall for him. I'm trying to think about him a lot but it's not working. Instead, some little Jewish weasle keeps sneaking in and bogarting all of the time for "thinking about boys". There's only a certain allotment per day and for some reason, Chipotle keeps being a bitch and letting the Jew take over. Chipotle can totally take the Jew!



I chanted hard on Friday that he would be removed from my heart and/ or mind but does the universe listen? Just like with God, the answer is no. Jason told me that I'll always have feelings for him and that I'm bound to think about him from time to time. Again I'll have to resort to occupying my time accordingly.

I signed up for a delegate training class. Well I "applied" for it. We'll see if I get to do it. It would prove to be extremely adventageous for our NPO.

I also signed up to volunteer for the Democratic National Convention. Hopefully they'll want me. BCAP didn't. Fuck stupid BCAP. I didn't want to raise awareness or help AIDS and HIV victims anyway.

I had some good dreams this weekend. Well one of them sucked, I had it last night. It was that jerk VBA/ I'm Already Up/ Konkel lecturing me on the Jew yet again. Bleh. But the one good one I had was involving Steven Colbert. Mmmmmmmmm! Delicious!

Oh yeah and I dropped Western Civ.

Shalom Bitches!!!

OK since I don't have all the time in the world to update this blog and make sure that all of my "Favorite" links are correct (you can find them on the right side of the page, they're divided into sections) I'm just going to throw this guy in here for the sake of making sure I'm sharing him with the world.

If you watch YouTube and you're a girl or a fashion conscientious dude, you may have heard of William Sledd aka Ask A Gay Man. I love, LOVE, LOVE this man more than pretty much anyone. Well less than I love Mrs. Kitty but more than I love chocolate. He is terribly funny and I believe that everyone should watch him if not for the advice, at least for the hilarity that is him. This is a link to his website:

http://www.williamsledd.com/William_L._Sledd/Home.html

He has a bunch of videos on there if you desire to view them. A few of my favorite quotes from him:

"Shalom Bitches"
"It's every one's favorite evil offspring: the carpenter short."
"Who the fuck wears a puffer vest in LA? A puffer vest and orange hair. And the bitch did look scary in overalls."
"Crocs are fucking nasty for a reason."
"Really big people wear Crocs, I think it's because they look like cheese."

Here's the link for his page on YouTube:

http://www.youtube.com/user/WilliamSledd

And here's a lovely picture of him:

I totally called it!

It was too good to be true! He's a jerk apparently! Yay!

'Cause you're so good at talking smack, you heart attack, but you're the apple of my eye anyway

In reality, with everything where it's supposed to be, comfort should feel like home. Home should be a place where you're free from anxiety, a place where little matters except establishing that perfect level of "ahhhh." So when I say that I'm now entering the comfort zone with Chipotle, you begin thinking that I'm feeling right at home with him. Of course I am, and little doubt has entered my mind until today when that dreaded statement (sometimes worded as a question) entered my head. "This is too good to be true." Now I find myself wondering what's wrong with him, what the path ahead will bring. As we all know too well, there is always a calm before the storm. As with Dan, I felt almost at ease, not nearly what I'm feeling with Chipotle because I was far too worried about what Dan thought of me. Was he thinking I was stupid or less attractive than the last girl? These petty ideas haven't even been a whisper on the wind of my feelings, nor have any thoughts of jealousy lingered as I listen while he speaks of exes and friends of his that are female. Can it be? Is he the new Cory? Only time will tell but so far, he's outdone most. Of course, no one can top the Valentines Day Chipotle Dinner excpet maybe, someone who manages the fine eatery and showers me in free burritos and organic chapstick. Much more meaningful than a little black notebook or thrown together dinner. More meaningful than nights spent watching anime and more meaningful than being left in a bed for three hours wondering where the hell he's gone to.

I think I might be...

watching Shogun right now. But I can't really tell because I've been writing my stupid rough draft for that bullshit trend essay. Although I'm pretty damn confident this is Shogun...

I don't feel like writing much because I'm awfully tired but I felt I should update...

Chipotle is awesome. Goodness he has a great ass. The best I think I've ever seen. He's got some nice muscles too. I'm blushing just thinking about him.

Astronomy is blowing dick right now and I don't want to talk about it.

Western Civ is the dumbest subject ever and I'm convinced I failed my exam.

I haven't gotten around to watching the most recent episode of Bleach yet. Another new one comes out tomorrow.

I've hardly packed a thing. Fuck me.

It's so late. I'm yawing like a crazy person... reminds me of a quote:

"You're out there thinking, 'At least I'm not as crazy as Gaffigan' and I'm up here thinking 'At least I'm not as crazy as a person in an insane asylum' and they're in there thinking 'At least I'm an orange.'"

If

I didn't love Chipotle before, I sure as hell love it now.

Paul is freaking fantastic. I told Saira he's like a combination of all of the guys I've dated before. He's terribly smart, amazingly funny, ridiculously laid back, and on top of that, we have a lot in common.

Anyway, that's all for now. We shall see what the coming days bring. Perhaps he's a serial killer or something. Or worse, maybe he's like Dan. LOL.

Oh and Saira and I found a place. Capitol Hill, brace yourself. I'm back.

I understand

that Dr. Odell isn't the best teacher but must we criticize him in front of the entire class? Is that really in the best interest of everyone involved? Absolutely not. I find it childish and annoying, and in reality, it's extremely disrepectful to address a teacher, any teacher, in the manner in which that fuck face douche bag insists on communicating. If you have an issue with the professor, his teaching abilities, or knowledge of the subject and materials, please address them with the prof privately after class. There is no justifiable reason that you have to attempt to belittle him.

The fucking people in this class make me sick. Read the damn book. In the real world, no one holds your goddamn hand and explains everything step by step; you're forced to fill in the blanks and pull the white from the grey to make the black and vice versa.

It is dispicable the way these children behave. There is a nice way to ask for clarification.

"Do you even read the book before you come to class? Do you even know what you're teaching?"---

wait wait, a developement... is he doing it? Is this moron actually walking out in the middle of class because I asked him to refrain from criticizing the teacher in front of everyone?

Yep.

There he goes. And he's storming out. Oh and he wrote a note to the teacher and just threw it at him.

I wish he worked at MoneyGram for April. She would make him take "Controlling Your Emotions"

Fin

[also, please pardon the spelling, ACC uses Internet Explorer, not Firefox]

I <3 Bleach so damn hard

Episode 141 was sad. ;_;

Inoue is cute.

Hangovers only mean a job well done.

I'm finished with my profile. I could not be happier. Well I would be a lot happier if I didn't suck at punctuation. That shit has always confused me. But honestly, back to the profile, what a pain in the ass. It was hard to make myself put all this stuff together in one nice, tidy, not "too long" essay for that ridiculous woman. Ugh.

It's done now. So whew.

I've been watching Alfred Hitchcock movies tonight. Birds and Rope. I love them both very hard. Very funny stuff.

I had such a sweet Saturday that I was still recovering today. In more ways than one. LOL!!! No but really, I swear I was still hung over today and the only thing that made the nausea go away was a beer I had with lunch. I don't normally drink during the day, but it was Nicole's 21st Birthday!!! Bless her. I love her very hard too. She is a fabulous gal.

I went to Craze or Crave or something (I don't really remember because I was drunk when I got there) but it was A-W-E-S-O-M-E. I felt like I was in LA. Or an episode of Sex and the City. LOL. LOLLOLLOLLOLLOL. But sweet none the less. As Ryan so eloquently put it, I've "dumped" Pat's. Pat's was a stepping stone and all it accomplishes now is to remind me of someone I'd rather forget (and am doing a decent job of forgetting so I need no set backs). Plus at Craze/ Crave the boys get bottle service!!!!!!!!!! They make some badass Long Island Iced Teas too. Riss and I were obliterated by the end of the evening...

But before all of the fun, we went to an awful show. And by awful I mean that I would rather burn my record collection than be forced to--- NO WAIT--- I wouldn't do that, but I would rather take rusty nails and shove them through my eyelids than be forced to listen to Cartel ever, EVS again. Good God. TERRIBLE. Add to that a forty year old divorce who's throwing himself all over you and you get one hell of a bad time. The band had the audacity to ask Riss and I to hang out with them. What do we look like?!?!?!?! A couple of fifteen year olds? Please. We OBVIOUSLY declined. Soon after that (and soon after being forced into making yet another date with the Asshole [no longer refers to Dan, it now refers to Old Dude #2 or Paul]) Riss and I got the hell out of Dodge and headed downtown. ^_^



I'm tired so I'm off to bed. I hope I sleep well. Wish me luck. -_-

IT'S DONE!!!!!!!!!! BWAHAHAHAHAHA

Jennifer Fassler
English 121
Profile Essay

It’s the oversized burritos. It’s their rice and spicy salsa, feeding a silent fire growing inside of me. I’ve found myself craving the smoky taste of their shredded Monterrey Jack cheese, the hot zing of salsa mixing with the cool, smooth sour cream; the corn flavor in their crispy, crunchy taco shells. It’s the warmth of the tortilla and familiar glare of the tin foil as they wrap your meal like a baby; well bundled with corners perfectly tucked and folded. It’s the sizzle of the steak as it hits the hot grill and the aroma of bell peppers and onions being sautéed and tossed up into the air, almost like pancakes but not quite the same. It’s the smooth lines of the brushed metal meeting with the blonde wood counter tops. It’s the tiny lights dangling above you, almost threatening, as if they may fall. It’s Chipotle. But is there more to these little Tex- Mex restaurants than just their enormous burritos? Is there something lurking under the surface, waiting to be revealed but is too humbled to admit? What exactly is under that tin foil wrapper?

Peeling back the first layer, you’ll find that Chipotle only uses organic food and dairy products as well as naturally raised meat and poultry which they buy from family owned farms. They don’t like hormones, they don’t like pesticides- they don’t like any of that fake stuff. “Food with Integrity isn’t a marketing slogan. It’s not a product line of natural and organic foods. And it’s not a corporate initiative that will ever be finished or set aside to make room for other priorities. It’s a philosophy that we can always do better in terms of the food we buy. And when we say better, we mean better in every sense of the word- better tasting, coming from better sources, better for the environment, better for the animals, and better for the farmers who raise the animals and grow produce.” In addition to that, Steve Ells, the founder of Chipotle, believes that “by creating a market for meats raised in a healthier environment, we make it worthwhile for these farmers to raise even more. That's how Food with Integrity works for everyone.” Food with Integrity may as well be his motto. This slogan is littered all over their website but you won’t see a word of it in the actual restaurants. No, the food speaks for itself. Although you may not notice it immediately, your body does. And I’m pretty sure it thanks you every time you choose good old Chipotle over gross, greasy McDonald’s.

There has been some speculation regarding Chipotle’s stance on fresh food since, unfortunately, it was owned by McDonald’s. The first Chipotle was started in 1993 here in Denver. Chipotle didn’t always use the best avocados and chicken. Nor did they ever claim to do so. All they can say now is “hey, we’ve got the good stuff today.” In a press release from McDonald’s in 2006, they state, “McDonald’s has decided to dispose of its remaining interest in Chipotle” and “McDonald’s also believes that a separation from Chipotle will afford Chipotle increased flexibility and decision-making power to pursue its own strategic objectives.” No more Micky Ds. “I heard that quite a while ago people were boycotting us because we were owned by [McDonald’s] which is ridiculous because it’s not like we were deep fat frying our tortillas or freeze drying our steak. However, from my perspective now, I suppose I can understand. I think they might have felt betrayed.” Ron, the manager of a Chipotle nestled downtown laughs as he replies to my question about them gaining their independence from the fast food giant. He is of small stature but stands with confidence. He speaks with ease as he leans against the counter. I’ve come in at the perfect time, he says, “right between lunch and afternoon snacks”. “I know plenty of people like you, I see them almost everyday, and after that kind of repetition, it’s hard to forget a face.” He chuckles some more and then greets a customer who has just entered, clearly relieved by the air conditioning her face was met with. Her blonde hairs fly frantically around her face. He continues, “Anyway, it’s people with that kind of devotion- your kind of devotion- that has helped us grow so much. Everyone at Chipotle knows who’s signing their checks. You hold the pen my friend. Now take your tacos and get out of here!”

After I sit down, I focus on the distinctive interior design. No two restaurants are the same yet they all include the same fundamental materials. Light wood counter and table tops along with the seats to chairs and benches, merge with the cool glare of brushed metal. The lines are straight but angular and when your eyes follow the longitudinal lines of the tall windows- framed in that same blonde wood- up to the ceiling which is left nearly exposed-dark metal rafters holding small simple light fixtures- your eyes meet those of nearby customers. They’re carrying on conversations and as they talk with mouthfuls of fajita burritos or crunchy tacos, they wipe the corners of their mouths with a napkin, removing the excess sour cream. Jeremy is twenty- three, living with a couple of his best friends not too far from downtown Denver. All three of the roommates went to high school together but didn’t associate with each other all that much. What brought them together was the mutual love of sporting mustaches just for laughs, going to yoga, and Chipotle. “I think we all love Chipotle for different reasons though,” he licks the guacamole from the corners of his mouth and continues, “Ben loves Chipotle because of its good deeds. Chipotle is a philanthropist. Can you even call a restaurant that?” Why yes, yes I think you can. Chipotle has three criteria for donating money: encourage community participation and attract additional support, meet an identified need in the community, and creatively promote positive change. They also participate in school and other fundraisers which can be held directly at one of their locations. When I tell Jeremy that Ben is onto something, he shakes his head and takes another bite of a tortilla chip piled high with the green paste, chunks of onion poking out like diamonds. “We all appreciate the stuff they do for charities and what not. Canned food drives and free burritos to little kids; I guess we just love their big ass heart.” I laugh as I sip my water, trying to focus on Jeremy and not the guacamole. Jeremy loves Chipotle because “their food is so freaking good” and the people at Chipotle seem to “make Chipotle Chipotle”.

When you order in any of the restaurants you don’t seem to be met with a lot of bad attitude when you ask for something extra or a substitution. However, at Qdoba you’re charged for adding rice to your tacos; which I do on a regular basis; as well as adding any extra cheese or sour cream. Chipotle won’t charge you for rice, but as to be expected, they’ll sometimes charge for extra guacamole although I’ve never been charged when I’ve asked for extra cheese, sour cream, or salsa (but I won’t insist that’s the case at all locations as I’m sure it varies everywhere). At Chipotle you can get a “student drink”- which is free. You’re always guaranteed a smile and a nod from everyone on the front lines, and even the cooks in the back. Certain locations get bombarded at lunch but you wont ever receive a meal that’s less than perfect and that includes the customer service. I often wonder why it doesn’t seem like Chipotle has that high of a turn over rate. I’ve lived in a lot of neighborhoods and I’ve come to know quite a few locations pretty well. Only a few come and go, but most seem to stick around. Isabel has the hint of a Spanish accent, her words roll off her tongue and feel like they dance into my ears. Her voice is soft and her smile sweet. “They’re very flexible with me. I have four children in grade school- they get sick, they get sent home for fighting- you can’t always control what happens at home. My family and I have benefits too. Medical and vision and also dental. It’s just a good place to work. They respect you no matter where you are. You could do what I do or you could work in a the corporate office, it just doesn’t matter.”

As I leave the restaurant, I’m followed by goodbyes and thank yous. I always love coming here, it’s like having your friends make you really good food. And charging you for it. But remove the food and even the nice décor and what do you have? Something with substance? A chain of restaurants with a “big ass heart”? Or just a conscientious corporation aware of what’s right and good, what they should serve to their customers and how they should treat them? Has their attitude towards their employees affected their customer service? Are their contributions to the community and environment playing a roll in the decisions of their customers and do they actually value these customers? The answer is yes to all of the above. I think Steve Ells puts it the best: “Have we achieved our mission? No. Will we ever accomplish it? Never, because Food with Integrity is a constant process of searching and improving. But the changes will be noticeable, positive and significant. And you're part of making it happen, every time you come in.”

Yawn

Almost time for bed... But before I can slip off into a nice dream- less sleep, I have to study for my history exam tomorrow. I finished my power point for astronomy, I hope my group likes it. I finished my profile research assignment and have started the essay. I just have a few interviews and then I should be golden. I'm going to sell Chipotle so hard.

I can't stop yawning.

I went to the Rockies game on Friday. Before that I was hanging out with Nicole and her friend B. We played quarters. Man that is game is freaking sweet. Needless to say, I was pretty well inebriated when Riss came around. We stayed for about three innings and then we went to her house and I passed out.

I spent most of the day yesterday working on that damn power point. I went to my mom's in the evening for spaghetti dinner. It was delicious and she parted with the left- overs. I was excited although I've eaten most of it already.

I got my desk organized at work. I'm so pumped. Rocking my duel monitors and shit. I hung out with Riss for a bit. We watched a bunch of those Ghost Hunters episodes. I totally didn't want her to go. I didn't want to have to start on that essay thing. But I always eventually realize that writing and doing homework isn't nearly as difficult and unbearable as I think it will be.

Paul wants to go to Rilo Kiley on Tuesday. I don't know if I'll make it by then. I'm even skipping Bright Eyes on Thursday. That's so not me. I'm just so tired these days.

Yawn.

Time for studying.

Work It Harder Make It Better. Do It Faster, Makes Us stronger. More Than Ever Hour After. Our Work Is Never Over.

Bleach gets me so stoked; probably more than anything else in my life at the moment. Which may sound sad, but no, it's freaking sweet. Forgetting about all of the "Bullshit Filler" [I've written a couple of previous posts but I can't remember what they're called and I don't fell like checking], the series itself is amazing. These writers (of the manga) had to develop tons of characters that follow you through the story. If you've ever tried to write for even just five or so people you know how tough that would be. Or perhaps it's just a problem I experience. Anyway, the animation isn't bad either. Definitely nothing like Naruto. I don't know, I just don't like that one. Bleach is definitely my favorite at the moment. I was a bit disappointed in this episode but not actually in it, just sad because I was so pumped to see Urahara kick some serious Arrancar ass. Uraraha:



I'm also enjoying the hilarity that is Ouran High School Host Club. I've been watching it on and off for about two months but there really isn't any point in sitting down and watching them all at once. Plus, who has the time for that?

He's one of the more badass dudes on the show.

Class tonight was good; I got a lot accomplished for our project. The only thing I really dislike about working in groups is that everyone must contribute something and if you miss a day, then the whole group can either be fucked or can do your portion to make sure stuff gets done because God only knows if you'll show up next week... Excuse me. The point is, I now have triple the work I started out with; I have to research two different subject matters in regards to Ancient Chinese Astronomy (I don't know, did that need to be capitalized?) and I have to put the entire groups' stuff together into a nice little presentation.

In addition:

I have to study for my Western Civ exam. The test is on Monday.

Also:

I have to do some field research for that stupid profile on a place. I have decided that Chipotle is a fine subject. If not it'll be so well written I could be writing about a dumpster for Christ's Sake and I doubt she would notice. She's very flighty. And perverted.

All of this is subsequently ruling out any hope for social interaction this weekend. Nevertheless, all of this is going to pay off in the end. So worth it.

I've been listening to techno lately. What the fuck? Am I seriously enjoying this crap? I guess so...

I have to get to be early tonight. I've been so tired at work I'm getting cranky. VBAs all over the place.

jen= super hard sudoku puzzle or what?

Within the past hour I've been told that I'm weird and that I don't make sense.

Let me clarify because that sounds really bad as I re-read that in my head.

There is this guy, let's call him Douche Bag #1. So one day after class he asks me if I might want to get together outside of class to study or whatevs and me being the moron I am say, "Yeah, sure!". We exchange numbers and as I'm stuffing his into my backpack (which I have yet to remove) he asks, "Are you single?". What should I have said? Because apparently me saying yes was somehow indicating to him that I want to fuck him or something. Anyway, he asked me after class last Thursday what my weekend was like and I advised him I was pretty busy. He said he would call me on Friday to see if I wanted to hang out. I thought to myself, why would I want to study on a Friday? Umm yeah. I'm a little dense when it comes to dudes. Anyway, on Tuesday I sat in the back of the class. Why this matters I don't know but again, APPARENTLY it indicated something to Douche Bag #1. Also, when he called me on Friday I didn't answer. I kind of figured out what was going on at this point. I actually missed his call, I just neglected to call him back. You're a very lucky individual if I call you back or answer when you call. I am not a phone person at all. Jesus this is turning into my life story...

so I get this text from this dude saying something along the lines of:

You changed seats, you didn't answer when I called, you ran out of class, what is up? I was convinced you actually wanted to hang out. Whatever.

I mean I think I got it. I think that's more or less what he said. I responded with:

I didn't mean to give you the wrong impression, I'm not interested in seeing anyone right now.

His response:

You should have just said so. Weird. Whatever.

Am I the only one confused about this? I mean seriously! Because I was nice to him and we had some good conversations about dark matter and stars colliding but other than that, I never acted the least bit interested in him. Because I never fucking was!

Then...

I was told I don't make sense by someone I was chatting with via one of those instant messenger thingies. Of course it's hard to add inflection of any kind unless you use one of those ridiculous smiley faces or some of that crazy "netiquette" (e.g. LOL, JK, etc) but I thought I was making sense!

He said something about enjoying spooning with a dude, a total joke of course, to which I replied, "I wouldn't put it past you." I think that's where he got lost. Because right after that he sent a stupid ? which doesn't do shit as far as effectively communicating is concerned. All I can assume is that he didn't get something I just said. Or he doesn't agree. Or he's saying "why?" So I don't know. Maybe the joke only makes sense to me. I was burning him. I was saying "I wouldn't put enjoying spooning with a dude past you." As in it doesn't surprise me that he might take pleasure in that. But it was all a joke of course, and I indicated so by typing: JK LOL. I tried to ask him why he was confused and then figured ah fuck it. It's no use anymore with him. I don't need to clarify further. I don't need to explain or justify or assure. Nope. Not my problem.

In other bullshit news...

I bought some crappy short cigarettes yesterday and I'm hating them.

I made a friend in my English class. The teacher did that thing again. You know, where she hops up on the FUCKING desk in a SKIRT for all the world to see her underwear. I don't know what is wrong with that woman but in addition to "Skirt Affair- The Sequel" she was mispronouncing words all over the place!

I have to write a profile on a place or person or event for that class. Jennifer (my new friend ^_^) and I decided we're just going to bullshit our way through it. But I decided my topic: Chipotle. There's a lot going on in that place, esp. around lunch time. I have to interview a few people so I figured I would make Paul come with me and talk to them on my behalf. I'm going to write down what they say in Spanish and then obviously the English translation as well. I'm going to open and close the essay with sentences in Spanish.

I remembered a bunch of stuff from math today. I love it pretty hard. I can't wait for an actual class.

Nicole and Rikki made up. Yay!

I got a tour of the floor where we're moving (work). It's pretty nice. Still work.

Astronomy is going well except for Douche Bag #1. I have my first exam in Western Civ on Monday. yikes.

Brand New is coming. I already got my tickets. ^_^

The Weakerthans are coming as well. Tickets are on their way... ^_^

Time for bed.

is it in you now? do you miss the blend of color she left in your black and white field? do you feel condemed just being there?

I had a nice weekend full of homework and Riss and relaxation. Friday night was spent with Nicole, going to Sherry's going away party and attempting to iron out what I hope was nothing more than a teensy fight between best friends. It's hard to offer advice when you yourself aren't the best at keeping people around.

Saturday was early. Nicole and I helped Sherry move and then I did a bit of homework. I drew the constellations on note cards, hopefully that will prove useful it comes time for exams.

Riss and I met up later in the day and decided to get some Krispy Kremes and go see a couple of movies at the drive in. We saw Bourne Ultimatum and Knocked Up. Both very good movies that I highly recommend to anyone with decent taste in movies.

Sunday was good.

I found out that Brand New is coming which couldn't have come at a more perfect time! I am loving a song from their newest album. The song is called "Sowing Season". Very good. The wonderful thing is that the show is on a Fridee and Riss and I couldn't have asked for anything better. I bought tickets this afternoon.

I didn't do much today, just wrote a couple of essays for Engrish and watched some cool anime things on You Tube.

I'm getting tired so I think I might settle in for the night. Sleep is usually peaceful unless it's filled with dreams of people that are less than desirable. I wish I could control what I dream of; I would dream of oceans or far away jungles or unreachable stars, pretty much anything other than him. Hell I'd even settle for that stupid nightmare I used to have all of the time when I was a child. Alas, I find I have little control over the things I want to control and too much control over those things I find myself too young to be allowed to control.


I'm not your friend. I'm not your lover. I'm not your family.

everything worth fretting over can be forgotten when thoughts are constantly displaced

It has become so exhausting for me with my new schedule. I'm hoping that after a few more weeks of this, my body will have adjusted. I don't know quite how to explain it except to say that I always wake up feeling tired.

I haven't seen Riss all week. I'm hoping that things go quickly tomorrow so that she and I can get some dinner or something. I'm helping Sherry move into her new house. Today was her last day at work; she got a paralegal position which is more to her skill set than her current job.

I'm going to see Wilco on Sunday with Paul. We had lunch this week and we caught up on a lot of things. He seems to be doing well.

I have math tutoring on Sunday morning. I hope I my mind will work and remember most of that stuff.

School is good, work is good-- oh we're moving downstairs to our new offices week after next. That's definitely something I'm looking forward to.

-_-zzzz

Yaaaaaawn.

I hope this zit goes away before Sunday.

I have a lot of shit to do for school.

I have to go to bed now.

After weeks of calm storms...

My weekend was pretty productive. I had lunch will all of my parents over the course of two days, did my laundry and homework on Sunday, and spent some quality time with George/Larissa/Riss/Teenie.

Friday I went to dinner with Mark. It was nice having some conversations about the universe and time. It was also nice to relax and just hang out although I know he got irritated with how many times I brought up Dan and Cory. I feel like sometimes I just can't help it! They pop into my head and then never leave, they insist on coming up the most random of ways, without any reason or explaination.

Saturday I slept in a little bit (it gets very exhausting working full time and then going to school every night of the week). I went into work for a few hours and then went to my dad's. I met his new dog, Scully. She is so cute! And Dad is just about the cutest guy ever evs playing with her. He gets such a kick out of her. She seems to be learning well. I like her because she doesn't jump up on your or bark. She's very nice. After that I went home and George stopped by so we could pick out the pictures we wanted to get developed from our trip to Cali. We bearned them onto a cd and dropped them off at Walgreens. We stopped at Boston Market and got dinner and then we went for a drive up to Red Rocks. It's always so nice being up there, I seem to fall into my meditative breathing almost automatically. Breathing Dan out, breathing myself in. We picked up our pictures shortly there after and as we were going through them, we noticed we was a missing one of the duplicates... some creep must have taken it. So weird. We swung by Winchels (sp) and got some donuts and then went back to my house and watched the Secrets of the YaYa Sisterhood. It was a "cute" movie.

Sunday was brutal. I got my Starbucks as usual but the massive amount of reading was unbearable. I won't ever wait to do my reading again. What a pain in the ass! I got all of my reading for Western Civ and Astronomy done but English is still outstanding... Laundry took two seconds because I left all of my clothes in the drier. I was reading right up until I went bed, with a few breaks in between. The first break was for lunch with my Mom and Stepdad. We went to this place near my house called Old School Burgers, it was good. The next break I took was to watch my shows I had recorded from earlier in the week. I had three total: Inuyasha, Ghost Hunters, and the Universe. All very good, all breathed new life into me and I was revived to finish my reading.

No perfect weekend can go without interruption and I should have known that after a few weeks of calm seas, some storm would roll in and put me to the test. He text messaged me a few times this weekend. And honestly, all I can say is I don't care. I know nothing will come of it because he doesn't want me. He may waver because he's lonely but I mean nothing to him. So I'm not going up my Hope Ladder for him. I can't stand it when he forces me back down to the ground. So all I can do is be nice and civil and not make anything he says have any worth or weight or value what so ever. There's just no point in setting myself up. That being said... it is hard to resist this. I am so in love with his eyes...

I don't think it's too much to ask...

that you step out of my head for a moment so that I may go one minute without missing you.

Thank you

I am pumped for:

1. My astronomy class- the prof cancelled Tuesdays class because he was still out of town. I am so excited for this! I watched a program on television last night about Uranus and Pluto and their moons. Too cool!

2. New episode of Bleach tonight! [I didn't follow up on my last post regarding Bleach where I stated I expected nothing more than more bullshit filler... well I was wrong. They actually picked back up on the main story line again]

3. This weekend. Riss and I are going to Waterworld! Freaking sweet!!!!!

On my list of things to do:
1. External Hard Drive- I've been doing tons of research on these guys and I think I've finally made a decision. SimpleTech External Hard Drive- it has 250GB (the C drive on my PC has about 75GB total room, which is all full now, hence the need for this little guy). The reviews on this are decent and I certainly can't complain about the price, it's $70.00.

2. Sell my old books. I'm probably going to do this with my dad this weekend after we go to lunch. I have five books from when I went to Metro... my books for this semester were $346.00. Ridiculous!

3. Lots of homework, lots of video games, a medium amount of anime, and some casual reading.

I saw "Shoes" last night when leaving work. God he's so hot.

School starts today! Yay! Western Civ here I come!

I had a good weekend. Riss and I got some wine on Friday and watched 300 for like, the tenth time or something. "...Our arrows will blot out the sun" "Then we will fight in the shade!". We went to the Drive In on Saturday. We were going to see the Bourne Ultimatum but apparently there was a car on fire in that area so we had to watch the Simpsons Movie. One long episode with cursing and nudity. Pretty sweet I guess. Transformers (Transporters LOL) was fucking awesome! The dude who did Optimus Prime's voice has to be the same one who did his voice in the cartoon.

I didn't do much of anything yesterday, just layed around and drank my Starbucks. Yum!

I have some stupid training class today that I have to be heading out for soon... ridiculous.

Every time I start thinking about him, I try to convince myself that I don't care.

One Fine Day

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iNQYIBZQuq4

Watch this... it's an amazing time- lapse of a day in Seattle but it's not what you would expect.

^_^

tomorrow you will suck harder.

School is starting on Mondee. I'm wondering if my FAFSA (aka FASFA because for some reason or another, I can't pronounce FAFSA, it ends up coming out FAFASA) will be approved before then.

Erik left for Fort Collins this morning. It made me realize just how old I actually am. Scary. We'll be graduating from college around the same time which is exciting!

I haven't been running, I kind of lost any motivation to push myself. I've become lazy again, doing nothing but the things that demand very little physical exertion. Video games, guitar, anime, and writing account for most of my time these days. Thoughts of Daniel have subsided for the most part however I've foung myself thinking of him frequently today.

Ryan and I are on the outs today. I think we were both grouchy this morning... we haven't spoken since he arrived at work.

Speaking of work, things have gotten much better although I still wonder if my boss likes me. I hope she does, I have a new found respect for her.

All in all, things are well. Mom is sick but hopefully she's feeling better today. I'm hoping that Ryan and I work things out before tomorrow night as I have decided I need to get drunk again.

"I hope that in mid air, I can trip into your mind, and instead of seeing nothing there, a picture of myself I will find."

bored at work... being entertained by the following....

"That's why I love Jen! You can turn her on like a light switch... especially when I'm around."

Nicole is too fucking funny. She sure did a good job of getting me out of my VBA this morning. Her and Teresa.

Teresa sent out this email (only to the "cool" kids):

pick the month you were born in:
January-I kicked
February-I loved
March-I did the Macarena with
April-I played with
May-I choked on
June-I murdered
July-I sang to
August-I had lunch with
September-I danced with
October-I smoked
November-I yelled at
December-I ran over
Pick the day (number) you were born on:
1--------a paperclip
2--------a monster
3--------a phone
4--------a fork
5--------a gangster
6--------a Mexican
7--------my cell phone
8--------my dog
9--------my best friends’ boyfriend
10-------my neighbor
11-------an ipod
12-------a banana
13-------chuck Norris
14-------a stuffed animal
15-------a goat
16-------a pickle
17-------your mom
18-------a spoon
19-------myself
20-------a football player
21-------a ninja
22-------a fireman
23-------a noodle
24-------a squirrel
25-------a baseball bat
26-------my sister
27-------my brother
28-------my science teacher
29-------a permanent marker
30-------a llama
31-------A homeless guy
Pick the color of shirt you are wearing:
White----- Because I was high.
Black------ Because that's how I roll.
Pink------- Because I’m NOT homosexual.
Red------- Because the voices told me to.
Blue------- Because I’m sexy and do what I want
Green----- Because I hate myself.
Purple----- Because I'm cool.
Gray-------Because I was drunk
Yellow---- Because someone offered me 1,000,000 dollars
Orange---- Because I hate my family.
Other------ Because that's how I roll.
None------ Because I cant control myself.
Put the phrases together, type the phrase in the subject box, pass it on to your friends and don't forget to send me a copy!!


A few of my favorites are:

Mine- I played with a fork because I was high (LOL)
Nicole- I danced with your mom because I'm NOT homosexual
Josh- I had lunch with my best friends' boyfriend because I'm sexy and I do what I want
Mark- I murdered my cell phone because I hate myself
Sherry- I ran over my sister because I was high (but we say drunk)

Sam's and Teresa's were also pretty funny...

Teresa- I had lunch with my brother because that's how I roll
Sam- I yelled at my sister because that's how I roll

I'm getting ready to watch the newest episode of Bleach...

I'm expecting nothing more than more bullshit filler.

but I don't want to go to bed!!!!!

I bought a Game Cube this afternoon and have been playing it all night. I joked when I got home, "Dan, you've been replaced." I'm always bad with video games, I get addicted and then the chances of me leaving my apartment are slim to none.

I wrote the last chapter of my book last night but that doesn't mean I'm finished. No where near it actually. After a series of complicated mathematical equations, I figured I still need to account for nearly 300 more pages of information. I might skip some holidays and the like but before I make any decisions, I'm going to have Mark read it. He's the only one I trust with something I hold so close to my heart. If it sucks I know he'll tell me but in a nice way.

My final grade in Psychology is a B. ^_^ One certainly can't complain about that.

I've been doing much better but I always say that when we haven't spoken for a while. At the moment he's out of the country so my mind is settled a bit. No random text messages or emails (although I know he took his laptop and probably has access to his account...) I don't have to wait in anticipation for something to pull on my heart strings again. At this very moment I feel very over him but that changes with the weather. Every thing still reminds me of him so now I have to classically condition myself back to how I was before he came around. I'm pretty sure I've forgotten what he looks like.

I'm tired but I always hate going to bed. I'm definitely a night owl or whatevs.

I have plans to hang out with Saira tomorrow night which makes me really happy and I am most definitely looking forward to seeing her. I am going to make more of an effort to see her and the other people I feel comfortable being myself around. There are very few of them and unfortunately, it appears the number is shrinking. Things have been weird between Larissa and I but it makes me feel quite uneasy to talk about it so I'm not going to. At any rate, it should be a good time tomorrow.

I want to play video games with Ryan really bad though. I'd like to have that competition. :) He's pretty busy this week but perhaps next week. Dan will still be gone.

I wonder about those boys... I find I'm still concerned for them even though I don't want to be, even though I don't feel like any of them care for me. I might bake them cupcakes this weekend, again, since Dan is out of town. That way it won't be weird... unless that is weird. I don't know if there's some line I'm crossing by trying to be friends with these dudes. I'm not sure how I'm being viewed at the moment and I don't really know if they actually want to be friends with me but I would say it's a safe assumption to say the love me. LOL ^_^

I have to register for fall classes now; I'm signing up for three. I have BCAP stuff this weekend (possibly) and definitely at the end of the month. I have to get some sort of personal resume together for the girl's organization I want to volunteer for (I FINALLY heard back from the lady) and I have to start running again. Not for Dan and maybe not even for myself, but just for the hell of it, ya know?

Bleaches took a break this week so nothing to report as far as the filler situation is concerned.

Oh apparently I've been hanging out with Malachi... I wasn't aware of such things but perhaps I've been drugged or drunk or sleeping every time we do... oh and I would have had to fly/ drive to Vegas to do it... my goodness, is this for real? And do people actually expect me to believe some of the bullshit lines they feed me? LOL. That's really all that needs to be said.

B is for BADASS!

I got an 86 on my last exam; it looks like I'll be passing with a B! How fabulous is that? What a great start. In retrospect it seems easy, but now I have to imagine the stress and time multiplied by four. I still have such a long road in front of me but I know I can accomplish anything at this point.

I read that being optimistic is helpful in more than one way. I've written before about how I want to be a "half glass full" type but apparently I'm too much of the "half assed" type to follow through with it. I'm going to try harder now. It's much more constructive to think that you're ok, you know, like "hey I'm not half bad!".

California was great... too much happened for me to write about. Also some of it is too personal. At any rate, it was a much needed escape that brought a lot of things to a clarity which I can't describe...

With that being said, and with this addition: I read about the physiological aspects that come into play as far as finding a boyfriend/ girlfriend are concerned. Actually I read a lot that has helped me figure some things out.

First of all, I must stop with this catastrophic thinking. Catastrophic thinking is when you blame yourself for something that happened because of an outside circumstance. I have been blaming myself for this break up when in reality, multiple factors came into play. And for all intents and purposes, he didn't technically break up with me. My reaction to his "I don't know" response was what closed the deal. There is nothing wrong with "me", nor is there anything wrong with "him", it is "us" who is dysfunctional.

Second, if I continue to allow this to frustrate me, I will continue on this path of poor mental health. The stress I am putting myself through is far more detrimental than me just letting him go.

Third, the only real reason why I'm having such a hard time letting him go is because of my physiological desires/ needs. He is the ideal mate or whatevs; he's driven and goal oriented, he's got money and a house, and he's terribly intelligent. It's something we've adapted throughout the years, this desire to be with someone settled and well rounded. I lost what my physiological self thought was perfect. Stupid physiological self.

Overall I'm feeling great and having a few new perspectives and some useful tips on thinking and dealing with stress, I feel like a brand new girl.

Rock Stars and the Boulevard of Broken Dreams

It's odd. I'm in his house right now. And I wonder, will we come here again? Can this sustain miles of open road, littered with fights and bad choices? Can she and I survive in a place so large I feel swallowed up by the very thought of it? My time is running out, moments are fleeting as we speak and I know somewhere in this house, in a room not too far from where I am, she sees him. Another side of him that no one else sees and all I want is for her to be happy. And he seems so nice, like he always is, welcoming us in like our very own homes. His house smells like houses tend to smell. I fear, I do not want to steal the souls of the objects his money bought. I do not wish to invade his privacy like some baboon... I just wish that for her, I could steal these pieces so she would always remember just how beautiful she is... that she is beautiful enough for a lovely rock star, one who calls her friends heartbreakers... one who hugs you like you're his sister even though you're not. I pray that this will work... I pray he is the one and that things will fall together perfectly. I can only hope that God has something marvelous planned for my dear sweet George.

Bleach filler episodes are a bitch. The only thing episode 134 managed to accomplish was making me want some cake. Fuckers.

Not only do the fillers just plain suck, they're way random. They go from having a couple Death Gods play soccer against middle schoolers and the next thing you know, a couple more are helping out a pastry chef. Baking cakes. Playing soccer. What is wrong with these pictures?




Fucking ridiculous.

Also, I hate this guy's hair. He's from earlier episodes but I've just gotten done watching them. His hair makes me want to puke.

Bleh.

Bleach is walking a fine line with me... a very fine fucking line.

I love Bright Eyes so much. I think something in my soul or mind or heart finds solace in his voice (which people always criticize). Conor Oberst is so incredibly amazing! He just makes me so happy!

LOL

"It's a good thing that when you entered your number into my cell phone this morning before you left my place that you also put your name. I wouldn't have known it otherwise.

Oh and just for the record, when you kiss, I felt you were giving my face a tongue bath. A bit much ... you need to tone that down. I'm not going to call you."

First!

Second...

"what the hell is "and one fine morning"? It makes me laugh out loud. So hard. It reeks of him, which is partly why I find it so hilarious. There's more to it too which could have easily been disguised but seeing as I know him, I see right through all of it. I have seen his flaws recently; they've been glaring and now I know that perhaps I deserve someone different- not better per say just someone more deserving of all of my coolness. I like cool things therefore I need to find someone who also enjoys those cool things and then I'll be set!"
The problem is...

no one older likes anime! Scratch that. There are older people who like anime, yeah, they're like 40 and live in their mom's basements and practically eat, sleep, breathe the internet. Yeah it's great thinking you're finally talking to someone interesting and they turn out to be like, fifteen. Oh yeah. Excellent. Then you have to excuse yourself because you feel awkward, like umm is that dude from Dateline going to freak out and bust into my house or something? I swear that show is one step away from kicking in doors and busting those gross dudes right there. ::shudder:: I'm not that much older than they are but it still doesn't work.

So I'm stuck with nothing. I tried looking for friends on myspace but... umm... no. Sure there are other options like going to one of those anime conventions but I don't want someone who's like crazy obsessed with anime. I love it, for sure, I love it HARD. But in reality, there are other sweet things one can enjoy... I just don't want someone who is like the anime version of a music snob in the scene. Ugh. Those people make me want to


LOL.

We can't escape this hollow ride
painted black to calm our fear as walls and celings collapse over us.
Feel the chill throughout our breaths as thunder awakens in our chest.
These wings we ride failed us.

These wings we ride, they failed us.
We fall from midnight skies.
We pray on search lights to save us.
As the rain pours down.

Weight shifts.
The storm hits
pulls on damaged wings.

Weight shifts.
The storm hits
pulls on damaged wings.

Our pulse skips as we secure laced fingers.
Praying the tighter we grip
will save us from these broken wings

Today is better than the today of last week.

Real Eyes
Realize
Real Lies

::LOL::

"Your kind of truth, is just the ghost of your lies. I see through them, all the time."

::sigh::

I hope that suddenly, a black hole forms inside of his room and when he gets up to take a piss, he'll be eaten up by it and shit out somewhere far, far away from me.

"the problem with you is your mom gave birth and you were breathing" -- ouch.

Damn it I was doing so well.

How long shall I remain curious? How long will I feel the pangs of jealousy over the past and the now seemingly non-existent? Do I waver between these steps because I want to or because there is some greater purpose? Will there be some eventual use for all of this?

I wonder every night while I drift off to sleep, and even if it's subconsciously, I know it, I wonder, does he ever think of me? Is there nothing inside of him? Is it all just me? Are these feelings simple and contrived? Is it wrong for when he leaves that I hope he stays gone and that his memory will dissipate like air quite thin.

I wonder if there is anyone else who fills my genetic gaps so efficiently or if sentiments spoken were mere figments of my own mind? Will he remain up there or over there or any where but here? Must he linger several miles away, too close for comfort but too far to satisfy childish desires? Is he awful, full of nothing but mechanics, someone selfish & stubborn? Does vanity lurk around the corners of his mind? Are the standards set too high for someone like me or have mine sunk below? Is he everything I imagine? Some animated prince set up in flowing clothes with glimmering eyes set into furrowed brow? Nose strong and jaw set? Did anyone see this coming or was it just me?

Bleach filler episodes make me angry. It just started getting good again but no, oh no, we can't let us have a mere ten episodes run successively which are part of the natural story line! No!!! They're dragging it out and it's killing me.

I have a bunch of the old episodes that I'm just now getting around to watching, I think I'm on 87 or something and that filler I don't mind but that's only because I can just watch it straight through. Filler is like commercials. It's just a bunch of crap that distracts you from getting completely involved with the story which in turn aggravates you and makes you want to pout. I'm so impatient. I can't wait.

Meanwhile, I have no one IRL that I can talk to about Bleach. I don't know anyone who watches anime besides Chris and that makes me want to pout as well. It's hard because the people I can talk with vary in age so it's difficult to carry on any kind of substantial discourse with any of them.

There's an anime called Fruits Basket... that is so weird. What the fuck is that? Fruits. Basket. We'll see.

YouTube is my favorite forever.

California is coming up.