I saw something posted on Facebook by a person who I don't even want as my friend. Being the people pleaser that I am, I accepted his request but restricted him. Part of me wishes he had done the same.
The post was in reference to Connecticut. The last line stated, essentially, that the problem is not guns, but the fact that we live in a Godless society.
Quite the assertion. After completing twelve essays for Western Civilization, nine of them being on religion (my choice), God's presence or the evocation of His name does not deter violence. Countless acts of terrorism and other kinds of violence have been committed in the name of religion.
I respect the views of those believe that religion can influence our morality. That being said, I am also a realist.
Tuesday, December 11, 2012
Heck Yes!
Ethics: A
Human Geography: A
Psychology of Gender: B
Western Civilization: B
2012 Fall Semester: DOMINATED ^_^
Human Geography: A
Psychology of Gender: B
Western Civilization: B
2012 Fall Semester: DOMINATED ^_^
Saturday, December 8, 2012
Best feedback ever
From my Ethics professor regarding my essay on the development of my moral perspective:
"I do not believe a student could write a more reflective essay than you did. You show a lot of intellectual development in this course. You are why teaching is fun."
Every molecule in my body is smiling and joyous right now.
"I do not believe a student could write a more reflective essay than you did. You show a lot of intellectual development in this course. You are why teaching is fun."
Every molecule in my body is smiling and joyous right now.
Saturday, December 1, 2012
Thursday, November 22, 2012
Wednesday, November 21, 2012
I'd very much like to marry this man:
David Eagleman.
He is my hero.
His books are marvelous. Here's a most intriguing essay on the brain's perception of time:
http://eaglemanlab.net/time/essay-brain-time
Take a quick survey on word aversion to help David's team with their synesthesia hypothesis:
http://words.eaglemanlab.net/questionnaire/
He is my hero.
His books are marvelous. Here's a most intriguing essay on the brain's perception of time:
http://eaglemanlab.net/time/essay-brain-time
Take a quick survey on word aversion to help David's team with their synesthesia hypothesis:
http://words.eaglemanlab.net/questionnaire/
Sunday, November 18, 2012
"The idea, you know, is that the sentimental person thinks things will last--the romantic person has a desperate confidence that they won't."
I'm having one of those nights when I'm tired but can't seem to fall asleep. I have a lot of studying to do, plenty to choose from as far as reading material is concerned yet I find that I can't keep my mind focused on the material. I think it unwise to continue to read if I won't retain so here I am. I have tests and a final project to start on. The impending end of my contract at work is nearing quickly and I have yet to hear back on the position I interviewed for a week ago. I need to start working on maths again so that I can be finished with my A.S. by next summer. Which means that I'm going to need to apply to C.U. soon and for financial aid. I need to get my car washed, go to the grocery store, do some yoga.
The gong bath was nice on Tuesday. I felt rejuvenated in a muted sort of way, one that kind of crept up on me. I couldn't stop smiling on Wednesday. You'd have thought I met a boy or something. I feel more centered and peaceful, ready to finish the semester with renewed vigor and approach this next week with a positive attitude in favor of being presented with the job. I have this subtle sense of confidence that everything is going to work out just the way I want it to. I realize once again the amount of control I have over my decisions therefore over my life. I have been reminded of my ability to successfully control my thoughts although I struggled tonight.
It's funny the way that someone becomes imbedded in your life, so deep that they are forgotten except every once in a while when we are reminded of them, whether by their inclination or our own, a memory recalled suddenly because of some insignificant prompt like the cold weather. Years can pass, months and hours tick by unnoticed and then there they are once again, a refreshed feeling coupled with a desire for tangibility: to reach out and touch them. Just to know that there is a reality which spurred these recollections is an unmatched satisfaction. The possibility, usually, to do this is rare and I find myself in this last hour wishing for just that, an acknowledgement of what I remember. In these moments of defiant lethargy my mind likes to perpetuate the stubborn nature of it all by fixating on small things like wondering if perhaps I am ever the focus of such contemplation. I know that I am to some, on occasion, but this curiosity is of a reciprocal nature: does the person attached to these specific memories find themselves thinking of them as well? Or am I alone in fond reminiscence of times that feel a lifetime away?
These things are of little concern though. They are just silly little distractions that a part of my brain conjures when it is bored thinking of spatial dispersion and utilitarianism. The following quote is quite fitting, all things considered:
And while we're at it, since "This Side of Paradise" is marvelous, a personal favorite:
"She is one of those girls who need never make the slightest effort to have men fall in love with them. Two types of men seldom do: dull men are usually afraid of her cleverness &intellectual men are usually afraid of her beauty."
DL-2012.11.18
The gong bath was nice on Tuesday. I felt rejuvenated in a muted sort of way, one that kind of crept up on me. I couldn't stop smiling on Wednesday. You'd have thought I met a boy or something. I feel more centered and peaceful, ready to finish the semester with renewed vigor and approach this next week with a positive attitude in favor of being presented with the job. I have this subtle sense of confidence that everything is going to work out just the way I want it to. I realize once again the amount of control I have over my decisions therefore over my life. I have been reminded of my ability to successfully control my thoughts although I struggled tonight.
It's funny the way that someone becomes imbedded in your life, so deep that they are forgotten except every once in a while when we are reminded of them, whether by their inclination or our own, a memory recalled suddenly because of some insignificant prompt like the cold weather. Years can pass, months and hours tick by unnoticed and then there they are once again, a refreshed feeling coupled with a desire for tangibility: to reach out and touch them. Just to know that there is a reality which spurred these recollections is an unmatched satisfaction. The possibility, usually, to do this is rare and I find myself in this last hour wishing for just that, an acknowledgement of what I remember. In these moments of defiant lethargy my mind likes to perpetuate the stubborn nature of it all by fixating on small things like wondering if perhaps I am ever the focus of such contemplation. I know that I am to some, on occasion, but this curiosity is of a reciprocal nature: does the person attached to these specific memories find themselves thinking of them as well? Or am I alone in fond reminiscence of times that feel a lifetime away?
These things are of little concern though. They are just silly little distractions that a part of my brain conjures when it is bored thinking of spatial dispersion and utilitarianism. The following quote is quite fitting, all things considered:
"...his ideas were still in riot; there was ever the pain of memory...
yet the waters of disillusion had left a deposit on his soul,
responsibility and a love of life,
the stirring of old ambitions and unrealized dreams."
~ F. Scott Fitzgerald
"She is one of those girls who need never make the slightest effort to have men fall in love with them. Two types of men seldom do: dull men are usually afraid of her cleverness &intellectual men are usually afraid of her beauty."
DL-2012.11.18
Wednesday, November 7, 2012
I love...
... the little sounds my laptop makes. It reminds me of one of those little guys from that movie 'Short Circuit'. Cute.
... that I received a "no, no, thank you" from my boss tonight. I'm not sure if it was because I stayed late to write rules or simply because he finally sees my worth, but either way, I'm grateful for the recognition, regardless of what it's for.
... that I got called for a job interview for a position I had entirely written off.
... that I'm doing well in school despite the rocky start. When those three classes started all at once, whew! Ethics was difficult enough on it's own at the time but I have, the bad ass that I am, dominated that whole situation. I suppose it was merely a matter of adjusting. If I keep this up, which it's impossible not to, I shall be well on my way to getting my BS (about half way) by this time next year. How exciting! Oh man how I'm pumped for that!
... that (speaking of Ethics) I have completely owned my philosophy class. My prof's remarks are AWESOME! "What can I say? Excellent essay." My second-most difficult class and there you have it, a standing A because of perfect essays.
... that Saira graduated! I am so dang proud of her! New mommy and finished school. She's a bad ass too.
... the cute little noises my cats make when they first wake up or stretch. It's squeaky.
... The Walking Dead.
... my glasses.
... how fortunate I am, for so many reasons.
... that I received a "no, no, thank you" from my boss tonight. I'm not sure if it was because I stayed late to write rules or simply because he finally sees my worth, but either way, I'm grateful for the recognition, regardless of what it's for.
... that I got called for a job interview for a position I had entirely written off.
... that I'm doing well in school despite the rocky start. When those three classes started all at once, whew! Ethics was difficult enough on it's own at the time but I have, the bad ass that I am, dominated that whole situation. I suppose it was merely a matter of adjusting. If I keep this up, which it's impossible not to, I shall be well on my way to getting my BS (about half way) by this time next year. How exciting! Oh man how I'm pumped for that!
... that (speaking of Ethics) I have completely owned my philosophy class. My prof's remarks are AWESOME! "What can I say? Excellent essay." My second-most difficult class and there you have it, a standing A because of perfect essays.
... that Saira graduated! I am so dang proud of her! New mommy and finished school. She's a bad ass too.
... the cute little noises my cats make when they first wake up or stretch. It's squeaky.
... The Walking Dead.
... my glasses.
... how fortunate I am, for so many reasons.
Saturday, October 20, 2012
"Boys like you are a dime a dozen..."
This week has been, well, interesting to say the least. I'm still recovering from Sunday evening and can think of little other than The Walking Dead.
Christina & I went to Taking Back Sunday who played at the Ogden about a week ago. After drinking just one beer and two shots over a four hour period, we both became quite ill. I don't remember much from the time we left the venue to the time I woke up the following morning. What I do remember is becoming violently sick to the point that I was throwing up blood, something that has never happened to me. After going through the necessary motions, it seems that we were in fact slipped something at some point by somebody.
This is a very scary realization, and the thoughts that follow along that path (the purpose of slipping something into someone's drink) are scarier still. I feel fortunate that the goal was never achieved and that I am still alive. The last thought I remember having, hunched over the toilet, was, "if I don't keep throwing up, I will die". Dramatic, irrational, intoxicated thoughts, I know, but after finding out about these drugs, we are both truly lucky to still be alive. I'm not a big drinker at all anymore these days, and given my school and work schedule, I have little time to do anything outside of those responsibilities, but in an effort to keep my body and self safe, I think I'll stay away from bars, shows, and the like for a good long while.
The season premier of The Walking Dead was awesome. I watched it last night at Jon's before embarking on my Human Geo homework. What should have taken 15 minutes took 2 hours due to an utter lack of discipline and interest but was, nevertheless, completed. I have a weekend of tests and essays that I'll be starting on in a few minutes. Once I get past the images of the movie Contagion I'll be able to focus. We watched that last night after a couple of episodes of Dexter and it filled my mind this morning when I woke up. Just recalling the name of it drudges up the very really idea of some sort of epidemic where people start eating each other. Thank God I didn't see that movie before that face eating incident that occurred earlier this year in Florida. I can see the fearful conspiracy theorist in me having a panic attack...
Motivation is non-existant. Perhaps an episode of Workaholics will help me start my day....
Christina & I went to Taking Back Sunday who played at the Ogden about a week ago. After drinking just one beer and two shots over a four hour period, we both became quite ill. I don't remember much from the time we left the venue to the time I woke up the following morning. What I do remember is becoming violently sick to the point that I was throwing up blood, something that has never happened to me. After going through the necessary motions, it seems that we were in fact slipped something at some point by somebody.
This is a very scary realization, and the thoughts that follow along that path (the purpose of slipping something into someone's drink) are scarier still. I feel fortunate that the goal was never achieved and that I am still alive. The last thought I remember having, hunched over the toilet, was, "if I don't keep throwing up, I will die". Dramatic, irrational, intoxicated thoughts, I know, but after finding out about these drugs, we are both truly lucky to still be alive. I'm not a big drinker at all anymore these days, and given my school and work schedule, I have little time to do anything outside of those responsibilities, but in an effort to keep my body and self safe, I think I'll stay away from bars, shows, and the like for a good long while.
The season premier of The Walking Dead was awesome. I watched it last night at Jon's before embarking on my Human Geo homework. What should have taken 15 minutes took 2 hours due to an utter lack of discipline and interest but was, nevertheless, completed. I have a weekend of tests and essays that I'll be starting on in a few minutes. Once I get past the images of the movie Contagion I'll be able to focus. We watched that last night after a couple of episodes of Dexter and it filled my mind this morning when I woke up. Just recalling the name of it drudges up the very really idea of some sort of epidemic where people start eating each other. Thank God I didn't see that movie before that face eating incident that occurred earlier this year in Florida. I can see the fearful conspiracy theorist in me having a panic attack...
Motivation is non-existant. Perhaps an episode of Workaholics will help me start my day....
Wednesday, September 26, 2012
Heck Yes.
Given how frightened I was to go back to school, to attempt to write essays, to remember anything I'd read, it seems that while it was benefitial as a motivator, it was unfounded. I've completed 4 essays and 3 assignments and have received As on all. The most recent feedback I received was for my essay on suicide. Professor Broome stated the following: "What can I say? Your summary was excellent. You covered everything I was looking for. Well done." Can I ask for anything better? Absolutely not. I have been fully committed to this class and although at times (many times, in fact) I find myself lost or confused by silly Plato or stupid Kant (God this guys is worse than Shakespeare!), it seems that I am still doing an adequate enough job comprehending the material.
My three other classes have began and I look at this semester as a test of time management! And also of self-discipline. I will be inundated with reading and tests it seems (a test or two every dang week!) but I know I can do it. No more "oh I think I can manage". Nope. Only can-do. Because I know that as a human being I have everything required to read, take notes, re-read, and regurgitate what I've learned. There is literally nothing stopping me but myself. So laziness be gone! And fear, you step aside. I've got lots of work to do.
I'm done with Facebook again. It's so stupid. I mean that in the most condescending way possible. After a couple of months of being very Facebook-y (posting pictures and little snippets of how awesome I am) I realized just what a narcissist paradise that little website is. "Oh look at me, I'm so pretty, sitting in the car" or "I got an A on my essay!". Any of that just seems tacky, as does this blog, if I'm being honest. But with the blog that I know no one reads it's slightly different in that I don't come here to boast but rather to reflect whereas Facebook is the exact opposite. It's an attention whores dream. And that's cool, I get it, let's just call it what it is though. Don't pretend you're not so far up your own ass. You are. It's clear. And if you could lick your vag/dick I'm sure you would.
So I'm done with that thing agian. I'll only go on there to check on Ryan or Dan or Konklol or a few friends from hike school whom I don't detest. Beyond that, I'm O-V-E-R it.
Job is okay - it's closer to the end now than the beginning so that's a teeny bit stressful but I'm not going to worry about it. Worrying doesn't make it better or miraculously get me another gig. Na, but it's cool, things will figure themselves out eventually. I don't necessarily want a permenant position if it means I have to fraternize with MG peeps. I'm okay with Jared and Natasha and Sil and Aaron. But other than that, the Samantha's and Kendahl's of the world can fuck right off. I still can't stand either one and can't imagine that even with my best intentions, I'd be able to force myself to. I don't loath KB on the scale that I do SH.
I wouldn't be against working for this hot dude just on the other side of my floor. It's compliance of some sort and there a couple of a good-looking gents on that side that wouldn't be bad to stare at.
I'd think about Charles Schwab but know I don't stand a chance. He'll nix it from the get-go as soon as he catches wind. And do I really ever want to be around him again? I'll pass. I don't want the filth from his soul getting on the coat tails of mine. Not anymore.
I'm done with Nicole & Kirsten as well. What friends are these people? In what stretch of dillusional imagination are either of them classified as "friends"? I don't know, and I may be wrong, but life feels better without them. So much better in fact it's as if I can breathe again. They're both sketchy as hell. Why I wasted time on the likes of them, and others, is beyond me now. I'm not cocky but respect my life and self the way it should be. They can continue to exist, I don't wish them harm, but I don't need my circle to overlap with theirs. They're gross.
Parents are good, Nana is not so hot but I'm not broken up about it. She's still an effing jerk in my eyes. Dad is good. Things are good! Stressful, a little overwhelming, but good!
My three other classes have began and I look at this semester as a test of time management! And also of self-discipline. I will be inundated with reading and tests it seems (a test or two every dang week!) but I know I can do it. No more "oh I think I can manage". Nope. Only can-do. Because I know that as a human being I have everything required to read, take notes, re-read, and regurgitate what I've learned. There is literally nothing stopping me but myself. So laziness be gone! And fear, you step aside. I've got lots of work to do.
I'm done with Facebook again. It's so stupid. I mean that in the most condescending way possible
So I'm done with that thing agian. I'll only go on there to check on Ryan or Dan or Konklol or a few friends from hike school whom I don't detest. Beyond that, I'm O-V-E-R it.
Job is okay - it's closer to the end now than the beginning so that's a teeny bit stressful but I'm not going to worry about it. Worrying doesn't make it better or miraculously get me another gig. Na, but it's cool, things will figure themselves out eventually. I don't necessarily want a permenant position if it means I have to fraternize with MG peeps. I'm okay with Jared and Natasha and Sil and Aaron. But other than that, the Samantha's and Kendahl's of the world can fuck right off. I still can't stand either one and can't imagine that even with my best intentions, I'd be able to force myself to. I don't loath KB on the scale that I do SH.
I wouldn't be against working for this hot dude just on the other side of my floor. It's compliance of some sort and there a couple of a good-looking gents on that side that wouldn't be bad to stare at.
I'd think about Charles Schwab but know I don't stand a chance. He'll nix it from the get-go as soon as he catches wind. And do I really ever want to be around him again? I'll pass. I don't want the filth from his soul getting on the coat tails of mine. Not anymore.
I'm done with Nicole & Kirsten as well. What friends are these people? In what stretch of dillusional imagination are either of them classified as "friends"? I don't know, and I may be wrong, but life feels better without them. So much better in fact it's as if I can breathe again. They're both sketchy as hell. Why I wasted time on the likes of them, and others, is beyond me now. I'm not cocky but respect my life and self the way it should be. They can continue to exist, I don't wish them harm, but I don't need my circle to overlap with theirs. They're gross.
Parents are good, Nana is not so hot but I'm not broken up about it. She's still an effing jerk in my eyes. Dad is good. Things are good! Stressful, a little overwhelming, but good!
Thursday, August 23, 2012
Pumped for my new laptop for which I write this post on. It is beautiful. It is soft; the place where I rest my wrists, the keys upon where my fingers fall; and nicely warm, not terribly hot like my last one.
Ethics is the only class that started on Monday, giving me an entire month before the three others begin. I'm just going to get a head start and complete as many readings and essays as possible. I've been given the gift of time and I may as well take advantage of it. I'm also going to keep working on math for the next couple of weeks and then just take the damn test. If I have to take a stupid 060 or 090 class then so be it.
My first pool meet thingy was last Wednesday and I did alright - better than I thought - considering I lost both rounds of eight ball. What a jip that fucking game is. It's so hard! With practice I can only get better though. Better than not making a single ball into a pocket for two whole games. Not one. But it was fine, I had been drinking and was in good company so there was no reason to take any of it too seriously. I practiced last night with Christy since we're on a "bye week" and did about as well. I'll need to squeeze some more practice in here again soon.
I miss Kirsten but am so happy for her that my feelings of sadness or longing are muted by the joy I feel when I think of where she came from to where she is now. I couldn't be prouder of her or sweet Nicole.
By about this time next year I'll have my Associates and be on my way toward my Bachelors and as far as where I'll be working or where I'll be living will be entirely up to a bit of my effort, some help from the universe, and maybe a push or two from God. We'll just have to wait and see.
Ethics is the only class that started on Monday, giving me an entire month before the three others begin. I'm just going to get a head start and complete as many readings and essays as possible. I've been given the gift of time and I may as well take advantage of it. I'm also going to keep working on math for the next couple of weeks and then just take the damn test. If I have to take a stupid 060 or 090 class then so be it.
My first pool meet thingy was last Wednesday and I did alright - better than I thought - considering I lost both rounds of eight ball. What a jip that fucking game is. It's so hard! With practice I can only get better though. Better than not making a single ball into a pocket for two whole games. Not one. But it was fine, I had been drinking and was in good company so there was no reason to take any of it too seriously. I practiced last night with Christy since we're on a "bye week" and did about as well. I'll need to squeeze some more practice in here again soon.
I miss Kirsten but am so happy for her that my feelings of sadness or longing are muted by the joy I feel when I think of where she came from to where she is now. I couldn't be prouder of her or sweet Nicole.
By about this time next year I'll have my Associates and be on my way toward my Bachelors and as far as where I'll be working or where I'll be living will be entirely up to a bit of my effort, some help from the universe, and maybe a push or two from God. We'll just have to wait and see.
Thursday, July 5, 2012
Monday, June 25, 2012
I'm supposed to be 58% right brained so what the hell is up with all of the fucking writers block? It's like trying to get water from a stone, words from my brain refuse to come out in any kind of literarily amuzing way. If this hadn't been going on for more than two years now, I'd be impulsively worried but now I'm "In Real Life" worried that I've lost it. And not just the writing part, but my entire creative capaticy seems to be the exact opposite: there is no capacity because there is no creativity. Is it possible to be right brained your entire life and then jump to being more left brained? Or is there really no ____ brained at all? Like my brain is what it is and uses what it uses and doesn't favor one side to the other?
Fuck if I know and of course the ever-usefull, ever-disappointing internet is of no help. I mean I'm sure the answer is somewhere in there but I don't have the patience nor commitment necessary to read through page after page of explaination that I really can't validate or trust. Because who knows. People are crazy and knowing me someone would write something like, "Cross Train Your Brain: Making the Best of Both Worlds" and I'd buy into it lock, stock, and barrel only to find that it was written by some nut in an asylum somewhere.
There is a lot of helpful advice on removing writer's block but unfortunately a lot of it requires me to already have a subject in mind. They also suggest reading. Which is just great for the girl with the mind that latches onto ideas and refuses to let them go - even if they were thought up by someone else. I suddenly find myself wanting to write a mystery because I just finished "Gone Girl" by Gillian Flynn. So here I am, staring at the ever-present, always cliche blank sheet of paper (or Word doc) and I write the words:
"I didn't know what to do with myself. I wasn't sure if I should run or pick up the phone."
Great intro. Fantastic. Until I have to take it somewhere, and by somewhere I mean anywhere but where Gillian Flynn took her book. It sucks because my mind rationalizes (maybe that's the wrong word) away ideas because "they've already been done". I don't want to write another fucking Twilight or Gone Girl or Harry Potter or Running with Scissors. As tempted as my mind is by these, I refuse to succomb to becoming a regurgitated version of my favorite authors. Where is the authenticity? Originiality? If I'm always piggy-backing on someone else, I am a fraud. A poser. So how can I pull some wonderful idea that's worth writing about that will keep my attention long enough to finish it out of my ass? Who the fuck knows!
"I decided to run as fast as I could, out of the house and down the concrete steps onto the asphalt and forced my legs to pump until my lungs refused to breathe and my muscles threatened to pop. I knelt on the cool grass, the blades of it irritating the skin of my knees. I was covered in blood, from head to toe, just covered, but not drenched because I wasn't dripping. I was just a red, scared, brethless version of myself sitting in the grass which I hated to do (I was allergic). My mind wasn't racing to pull the events together or even humming along in some sort of psychotic hymnal to God. No it was resolute."
I gotta get out of this place. I can't stay a minute longer.
Fuck if I know and of course the ever-usefull, ever-disappointing internet is of no help. I mean I'm sure the answer is somewhere in there but I don't have the patience nor commitment necessary to read through page after page of explaination that I really can't validate or trust. Because who knows. People are crazy and knowing me someone would write something like, "Cross Train Your Brain: Making the Best of Both Worlds" and I'd buy into it lock, stock, and barrel only to find that it was written by some nut in an asylum somewhere.
There is a lot of helpful advice on removing writer's block but unfortunately a lot of it requires me to already have a subject in mind. They also suggest reading. Which is just great for the girl with the mind that latches onto ideas and refuses to let them go - even if they were thought up by someone else. I suddenly find myself wanting to write a mystery because I just finished "Gone Girl" by Gillian Flynn. So here I am, staring at the ever-present, always cliche blank sheet of paper (or Word doc) and I write the words:
"I didn't know what to do with myself. I wasn't sure if I should run or pick up the phone."
Great intro. Fantastic. Until I have to take it somewhere, and by somewhere I mean anywhere but where Gillian Flynn took her book. It sucks because my mind rationalizes (maybe that's the wrong word) away ideas because "they've already been done". I don't want to write another fucking Twilight or Gone Girl or Harry Potter or Running with Scissors. As tempted as my mind is by these, I refuse to succomb to becoming a regurgitated version of my favorite authors. Where is the authenticity? Originiality? If I'm always piggy-backing on someone else, I am a fraud. A poser. So how can I pull some wonderful idea that's worth writing about that will keep my attention long enough to finish it out of my ass? Who the fuck knows!
"I decided to run as fast as I could, out of the house and down the concrete steps onto the asphalt and forced my legs to pump until my lungs refused to breathe and my muscles threatened to pop. I knelt on the cool grass, the blades of it irritating the skin of my knees. I was covered in blood, from head to toe, just covered, but not drenched because I wasn't dripping. I was just a red, scared, brethless version of myself sitting in the grass which I hated to do (I was allergic). My mind wasn't racing to pull the events together or even humming along in some sort of psychotic hymnal to God. No it was resolute."
I gotta get out of this place. I can't stay a minute longer.
Thursday, June 21, 2012
Not suitable for Facebook:
I am infuriated by Walmart (still) and am surprised that I'm SURPRISED that they still get away with all of the bullshit they do. I think I'm more infuriated though when people I talk to about it don't give a shit. Look I don't blame you, hate you, judge you if you shop at Walmart. That's not my issue. My issue is when I explain what's happening there and people are stuck so far up their own ass to care about anyone else. I'm done with the utterly self-involved. Seriously. I have become more stupid and insensitive just knowing these people. Put your fucking headphone back in and cut me off. That's classy, you dick. Why don't you go shove your tits in Justin & Mike's faces a bit more? Clearly you have much more pressing validation issues to attend to; I'm so sorry to have bothered to try to educate your dumb ass.
I'm too pussy to de-friend Samantha and also too pussy to post this while she's my friend. I'm just so disgusted that I'm friends - FUCKING FRIENDS with people who are such utter assholes. Fuck it. I'm over it.
I'm too pussy to de-friend Samantha and also too pussy to post this while she's my friend. I'm just so disgusted that I'm friends - FUCKING FRIENDS with people who are such utter assholes. Fuck it. I'm over it.
Sunday, June 17, 2012
He still...
...makes my heart go pitter patter... But I would rather not lose his friendship to the desires of my heart again. So I'm his friend and that's all I shall be. Unless, of course, he would be open to loving me.
Hopefully optimistic yet rationally trepidatious.
I like it.
Hopefully optimistic yet rationally trepidatious.
I like it.
Wednesday, June 13, 2012
Girls who make me go LOL
Girls who need have the attention of dudes 24/7.... even when they're married.
Makes me a little sad for them.
Makes me a little scared for them.
Makes me LOL because it's sooooooo OBVIOUS.
Poor thing. Don't worry, someday, hopefully, you'll see the beauty in your soul and realize that no one needs to validate you except YOU!
Makes me a little sad for them.
Makes me a little scared for them.
Makes me LOL because it's sooooooo OBVIOUS.
Poor thing. Don't worry, someday, hopefully, you'll see the beauty in your soul and realize that no one needs to validate you except YOU!
Tuesday, June 12, 2012
I have officially become a creeper
Why go out to lunch all by yourself when I'm right here?!?! I mean come on guy, why care about this place and let it stand in your way? I know I'm hot. I know I'm fucking awesome. So what's the hold up here? Is it because I'm not blonde???? Eh. Doubtful. I keep trying to think of things to make you smile since you're so miserable here. But I don't want to continually cross the line. I've already jumped over it a time or two and I need to back off. But I love your smile. Like honestly you have no idea how that smile makes me feel... and when I'M the one to make you smile, oh that's it, I could die right then and be perfectly happy. Like I told you, there's just something about you. And yes, that may be creepy and yeah, I could be crazy, but fuck it. I don't give a shit. I have nothing to lose. I'm just too impatient and you consume too much of my time by always being on my mind... I need a break, a brief stint of silent sanity bestowed upon me by your absence... yet I don't want to ever NOT think about you. I CAN'T WAIT UNTIL DECEMBER.
The way I feel for you, without knowing you very well, is like a mixture of how I felt for Cory, Chris, Dan, and Mark. That's a whole lotta feelings right there. A LOT. I realize that you sit over there feelingless when it comes to me. Perhaps not entirely void of feeling toward me, but I can't imagine, by your actions (or lack thereof) that you're all head over heels for me like I am for you. I don't know why I'm this way over someone like you but I am.
Kirsten just told me she saw you looking at me. I wish you'd do that more often. Anytime my hot tall friend, anytime. This is all yours from now on. Even if you don't know it yet...
The way I feel for you, without knowing you very well, is like a mixture of how I felt for Cory, Chris, Dan, and Mark. That's a whole lotta feelings right there. A LOT. I realize that you sit over there feelingless when it comes to me. Perhaps not entirely void of feeling toward me, but I can't imagine, by your actions (or lack thereof) that you're all head over heels for me like I am for you. I don't know why I'm this way over someone like you but I am.
Kirsten just told me she saw you looking at me. I wish you'd do that more often. Anytime my hot tall friend, anytime. This is all yours from now on. Even if you don't know it yet...
Yep sounds about right. ______ is just that!
"Aries females fall for independent, well-built, and confident males. Thus looks as well as a confident personality matters to you. The moment you find a blend of these qualities in a man you are likely to get drawn to his charm. A sulking, sentimental and powerless man is certainly not for you. You want your partner to be passionate and possessive- the two qualities that can easily impress an Arian woman. An Aries female also carries a jealous nature in the matters of heart. You simply cannot share your man with anyone and if you feel suspicious of any woman intruding into your love life you will pose a tough competition to retain your man. In contrast to other females, Aries females look for a commanding partner who can control her haughty attitude. You would love your man to be your boss and hold the reigns of your life."
No wonder I find him perfect.
No wonder I find him perfect.
Monday, June 11, 2012
It's hard to look right, at you baby, but here's my number...
"Before you came into my life, I missed you so bad."
Friday, June 8, 2012
BORED.
I don't know what to do with myself today.
I am so bored. Ugh. Sick of checking Facebook every five minutes. That thing has already lost its luster.
I could go to lunch but don't feel like standing in line at Chipotle for half of my life.
I could go to Barnes and Noble to buy the book I want but I don't feel like spending more time in my car than I have to.
Why is it that when I'm scared out of my mind I think of Mark. Why. God why. Notice the period. No quesion mark. I don't REALLY want to know the answers. I had a dream about him on Monday. Him and bees stinging me all over.
I feel out of whack this week - primarily because of my lack of sleep and iron. Wednesday night was awful, only three and half hours of sleep after than fucking tornado bullshit. Anxiety so bad that I threw up. Pathetic, I know.
Fuck it. I'm going to the gas station. Even this is boring.
I am so bored. Ugh. Sick of checking Facebook every five minutes. That thing has already lost its luster.
I could go to lunch but don't feel like standing in line at Chipotle for half of my life.
I could go to Barnes and Noble to buy the book I want but I don't feel like spending more time in my car than I have to.
Why is it that when I'm scared out of my mind I think of Mark. Why. God why. Notice the period. No quesion mark. I don't REALLY want to know the answers. I had a dream about him on Monday. Him and bees stinging me all over.
I feel out of whack this week - primarily because of my lack of sleep and iron. Wednesday night was awful, only three and half hours of sleep after than fucking tornado bullshit. Anxiety so bad that I threw up. Pathetic, I know.
Fuck it. I'm going to the gas station. Even this is boring.
Monday, June 4, 2012
Thursday, May 24, 2012
When tattoos and fast food meet
Courtesy of Tosh.0 blog:
http://m.comedycentral.com/tosh_blogstory.rbml?id=http://tosh.comedycentral.com/blog/2012/05/24/10-taco-bell-tattoos-to-start-your-day-off-right/
http://m.comedycentral.com/tosh_blogstory.rbml?id=http://tosh.comedycentral.com/blog/2012/05/24/10-taco-bell-tattoos-to-start-your-day-off-right/
Stop Human Rights Violations in Burma!
Please join me in taking action to stop the violence and human rights abuses happening in Burma.
In the ethnic areas of Burma, people are living every day in fear of their own government.
Innocent children, women and men are being targeted by the Burmese army.
Villages are being destroyed, civilians are being murdered and humanitarian aid is being limited.
Meanwhile, our Congress is currently debating whether or not to keep sanctions against Burma.
If they lift all sanctions, in the midst of this violence it will reward and exacerbate the inhumane behavior perpetrated by the Burmese government against innocent civilians.
We must tell Congress that human rights must be upheld in Burma before sanctions are lifted. PLEASE click here to take action: http://bit.ly/MJRQqh. All you're doing is sending a letter to your representative.
<3
In the ethnic areas of Burma, people are living every day in fear of their own government.
Innocent children, women and men are being targeted by the Burmese army.
Villages are being destroyed, civilians are being murdered and humanitarian aid is being limited.
Meanwhile, our Congress is currently debating whether or not to keep sanctions against Burma.
If they lift all sanctions, in the midst of this violence it will reward and exacerbate the inhumane behavior perpetrated by the Burmese government against innocent civilians.
We must tell Congress that human rights must be upheld in Burma before sanctions are lifted. PLEASE click here to take action: http://bit.ly/MJRQqh. All you're doing is sending a letter to your representative.
<3
Wednesday, May 23, 2012
Better today with regard to the hot one. I decided that I can not even entertain the idea of liking him because we work together. So no longer will it be about him liking me or him being single or even him being hot. He's my manager, genderless and plain. That's the smart way to look at things.
Red Rocks is getting closer to resolution. Yay! ^_^
My ass is killing me today. Lol. From working out, NOT from back door adventures.
George and Shmevin seem to be doing well.
New car is awesome. Work is better since my recent change in frame of mind.
Excited for dinner and drinks with Erik and Pressssssston, camping, and three day weekend!
Red Rocks is getting closer to resolution. Yay! ^_^
My ass is killing me today. Lol. From working out, NOT from back door adventures.
George and Shmevin seem to be doing well.
New car is awesome. Work is better since my recent change in frame of mind.
Excited for dinner and drinks with Erik and Pressssssston, camping, and three day weekend!
Tuesday, May 22, 2012
=^_^=
New car is good and nice - not the MDX I wanted but it's still good. :)
Back to work and bored as ever. I just sat here for probably fifiteen minutes zoning out. So I decided to post something.
I made these delicious little jalepeno and cheese wontons last night. Spicy! I ate them at 10:30 so they're burning my stomach a bit today... next time I'll use less jalepenos or ensure I bring some Tums.
That creeper at work didn't miss a fucking beat. Texted yesterday, IMed this morning. I told Alex that I already have a creeper and while he was surprised that it happened already, he wasn't surprised at all that it happened. I think he and I will be facilitating "public services" tomorrow. *wink wink*
______ is in a good mood today. I want so badly to go talk to him but I have nothing to say. I'd like to find out what it is he and Haley talk about when she's over there. Maybe I can learn something and find some random reason to strike up a convo with him. I thought about nothing else all weekend but him - that's a bit of an exaggeration when you think of my car issues but still... a lot of my brain power was spent thinking about that gorgeous smile he shot me on Friday, the laugh he let out, and his sexiness as a whole. Like seriously it's getting to the point where I need to start thinking of some other dude so I don't fixate on him to the point of becoming a creeper myself. Hence the "public service". There's no fucking way in hell that exquisite creature would ever be interested in me. Damn! I could seriously drone on all damn day just about him. I could prose the fuck out of my blog and stream-of-consciousness all over it's face for the ulitmate ______ money shot!
Kirsten and I are officially no longer friends. It's not necessarily that I did anything or that she did anything. Someone thinks I want to fuck her. Someone has clearly never met me for if they had they would know what a boy crazy mess I am. Believe me, times have gotten tough to the point of me considering going the way of the vag but I just can't! It bothers me, yes, very much, that I have lost her because someone thinks I look at her a certain way. "Look", I want to say, "just because you were married and then found out you like pussy doesn't mean we're all one Kirsten away from playing for the other side. I mean for fuck's sake! I could dry hump _______ every time he walks by! And that's someone I know nothing about except that he lives alone by DU, drives some kind of Audi, and is retardedly sexy. But whatever, I can't force people to be comfortable with my presence in their lives. It's just stupid that they're even moving into my apartments. Like why? When you're not letting me be friends with her? Whatever. The more I think about it, the more pissed I'm getting at someone. All I have to say is congratufuckinglations for destroying yet another one of her friendships!
There are a couple of dudes who work at my dad's shop who are pretty hot. Nothing compared to ______ but attractive enough to deter my thoughts from ______ to them. One I've never spoken to. The other is pretty cool. He has good taste in music and is 28 but he has an 8 year old and a baby mama so who knows what his availability is. Really I just need Alex to pop over and provide that service like ASAP otherwise I don't know what I'll do. Seriously. My attraction to ________ is getting a little out of control....
Maybe I should go take my lunch...
Back to work and bored as ever. I just sat here for probably fifiteen minutes zoning out. So I decided to post something.
I made these delicious little jalepeno and cheese wontons last night. Spicy! I ate them at 10:30 so they're burning my stomach a bit today... next time I'll use less jalepenos or ensure I bring some Tums.
That creeper at work didn't miss a fucking beat. Texted yesterday, IMed this morning. I told Alex that I already have a creeper and while he was surprised that it happened already, he wasn't surprised at all that it happened. I think he and I will be facilitating "public services" tomorrow. *wink wink*
______ is in a good mood today. I want so badly to go talk to him but I have nothing to say. I'd like to find out what it is he and Haley talk about when she's over there. Maybe I can learn something and find some random reason to strike up a convo with him. I thought about nothing else all weekend but him - that's a bit of an exaggeration when you think of my car issues but still... a lot of my brain power was spent thinking about that gorgeous smile he shot me on Friday, the laugh he let out, and his sexiness as a whole. Like seriously it's getting to the point where I need to start thinking of some other dude so I don't fixate on him to the point of becoming a creeper myself. Hence the "public service". There's no fucking way in hell that exquisite creature would ever be interested in me. Damn! I could seriously drone on all damn day just about him. I could prose the fuck out of my blog and stream-of-consciousness all over it's face for the ulitmate ______ money shot!
Kirsten and I are officially no longer friends. It's not necessarily that I did anything or that she did anything. Someone thinks I want to fuck her. Someone has clearly never met me for if they had they would know what a boy crazy mess I am. Believe me, times have gotten tough to the point of me considering going the way of the vag but I just can't! It bothers me, yes, very much, that I have lost her because someone thinks I look at her a certain way. "Look", I want to say, "just because you were married and then found out you like pussy doesn't mean we're all one Kirsten away from playing for the other side. I mean for fuck's sake! I could dry hump _______ every time he walks by! And that's someone I know nothing about except that he lives alone by DU, drives some kind of Audi, and is retardedly sexy. But whatever, I can't force people to be comfortable with my presence in their lives. It's just stupid that they're even moving into my apartments. Like why? When you're not letting me be friends with her? Whatever. The more I think about it, the more pissed I'm getting at someone. All I have to say is congratufuckinglations for destroying yet another one of her friendships!
There are a couple of dudes who work at my dad's shop who are pretty hot. Nothing compared to ______ but attractive enough to deter my thoughts from ______ to them. One I've never spoken to. The other is pretty cool. He has good taste in music and is 28 but he has an 8 year old and a baby mama so who knows what his availability is. Really I just need Alex to pop over and provide that service like ASAP otherwise I don't know what I'll do. Seriously. My attraction to ________ is getting a little out of control....
Maybe I should go take my lunch...
Friday, May 18, 2012
I saw it!
On his right wrist I saw just a bit of his sleeve.
God he is just so hot I can barely take it!!!!
Why the Good Lord, Universe, and my Guru thinks it's amusing to tempt me in such a way is beyond me! This is NOT funny! It's a temptation that I'm trying very hard to resist but any success in this area can only be attributed to his utter disinterest in me. So really there's no need for me to find him attractive. This is my written plea to remove what I feel for him from my soul.
<3
God he is just so hot I can barely take it!!!!
Why the Good Lord, Universe, and my Guru thinks it's amusing to tempt me in such a way is beyond me! This is NOT funny! It's a temptation that I'm trying very hard to resist but any success in this area can only be attributed to his utter disinterest in me. So really there's no need for me to find him attractive. This is my written plea to remove what I feel for him from my soul.
<3
"______ ______ is typing a message."
You can type a message right here! He's so fucking hot my bones want to jump out of my skin just so they can be closer to his. Okay that sounds fucking creepy but you know what I mean. If not, or even if so, listen to the following:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TQrufAHPRv8&feature=youtube_gdata_player
I still get the feeling that he has absolutely no interest in me at all. Which is fine. I'm good with lusting from afar. :)
You can type a message right here! He's so fucking hot my bones want to jump out of my skin just so they can be closer to his. Okay that sounds fucking creepy but you know what I mean. If not, or even if so, listen to the following:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TQrufAHPRv8&feature=youtube_gdata_player
I still get the feeling that he has absolutely no interest in me at all. Which is fine. I'm good with lusting from afar. :)
Thursday, May 17, 2012
C470 finally claimed the life of my car.
My car died today. I hope they can fix it. I think I'll have to get a new one soon which is just fantastic given the instability of my job and stuff but it'll be good to mature in a vehicular way and my poor car has been through a lot.
______ asked me for change today. He walked passed like five other people and walked kind out of his way. :D My hand accidentally touched his. *swoon* But more than likely, the reality of the situation is that he didn't even think of needing change until he walked by my desk and moreover, most days I doubt he even knows that I exist. Chances are he wants Sam which is entirely understandable because she's gorgeous. Eh. It's also entirely possible that he wants to jump my bones. With some dudes you just never can tell.
______ asked me for change today. He walked passed like five other people and walked kind out of his way. :D My hand accidentally touched his. *swoon* But more than likely, the reality of the situation is that he didn't even think of needing change until he walked by my desk and moreover, most days I doubt he even knows that I exist. Chances are he wants Sam which is entirely understandable because she's gorgeous. Eh. It's also entirely possible that he wants to jump my bones. With some dudes you just never can tell.
Wednesday, May 16, 2012
-_-
Sometimes I shake my head...which I attribute to people demonstrating odd behavior, that of which causes me to contemplate on an almost existential level, inevitably forcing me to ponder just what the fuck is going on!
And I just keep shaking my head because I can't seem to stop myself from thinking about...well...weird shit that has been going on for a while. I don't like it, it makes me feel uneasy and I'd like for it to stop.
What is it about me that calls out for a certain type of person to act out in a certain kind if way?
Weird. Weird weird weird. I need to stop being so nice.
And I just keep shaking my head because I can't seem to stop myself from thinking about...well...weird shit that has been going on for a while. I don't like it, it makes me feel uneasy and I'd like for it to stop.
What is it about me that calls out for a certain type of person to act out in a certain kind if way?
Weird. Weird weird weird. I need to stop being so nice.
Tuesday, May 15, 2012
Oh yeah, B T dubs
I heard a couple of weeks ago on Car Talk from a woman and her sisters who've come up with a theory they call "Road Ugly". The theory goes: the longer a woman is in the car, the uglier she becomes. Either the woman or the Tappert bros. figured it's due to stress.
And while my new, temporary position is fairly stress free, I suffer from what I've coined as "Work Ugly" because as the day goes on, I get more and more haggard looking - hair all a mess, eyeliner creeping down my face, forming little dark cresents under my tired looking eyes.
Is it any wonder why ______ doesn't find me hot? And why ____ only comes around in the mornings???
I'm not complaining, I'm still hot by average people standards. Wink wink. [what an asshole].
AAAANNND I published a post that I put together years ago, it's below this one, with some cool quotes that, while most of them no logner apply, are still adequate descriptors of how I felt at the time and find myself feeling occassionally.
And while my new, temporary position is fairly stress free, I suffer from what I've coined as "Work Ugly" because as the day goes on, I get more and more haggard looking - hair all a mess, eyeliner creeping down my face, forming little dark cresents under my tired looking eyes.
Is it any wonder why ______ doesn't find me hot? And why ____ only comes around in the mornings???
I'm not complaining, I'm still hot by average people standards. Wink wink. [what an asshole].
AAAANNND I published a post that I put together years ago, it's below this one, with some cool quotes that, while most of them no logner apply, are still adequate descriptors of how I felt at the time and find myself feeling occassionally.
"I became insane, with long intervals of horrible sanity." ~ E.A.P.
For me after C, C, & D: "I can embrace myself, hold my own hand, love me - but I can't gaze into my own eyes and feel my own soul lift me up. " ~ Tigress Love
From M to me, during & after me: "I don't know how to love you, I only know how to not let you go. " ~ Tigress Love
For me, from me, forever: "Yearn for where you want to go, not for where you have already been: Your future will be better, your days will be brighter, and your nights will be filled with the glorious heavens. " ~ Tigress Love
I decided to post these because I feel so full of hate for M. I wanted to remind myself what real love feels like. I wanted to remind myself of the way that he views me. I wanted to remind myself of what never to do again.
This is my linguistic abandonment of those negative feelings...
From M to me, during & after me: "I don't know how to love you, I only know how to not let you go. " ~ Tigress Love
For me, from me, forever: "Yearn for where you want to go, not for where you have already been: Your future will be better, your days will be brighter, and your nights will be filled with the glorious heavens. " ~ Tigress Love
I decided to post these because I feel so full of hate for M. I wanted to remind myself what real love feels like. I wanted to remind myself of the way that he views me. I wanted to remind myself of what never to do again.
This is my linguistic abandonment of those negative feelings...
...but I'm scared... -_-
I feel like I'm afraid of everything. Like fear is my default emotion rather than happiness or depression. Don't get me wrong, not having a depressive emotion for the last six months has been nice as hell but only to replace it with fear seems like I'm getting the shit end of what was already a poop-covered stick.
I'm having an antipasti-inspired lunch today. Cheese and sweet snap peas, baby carrots and seaseme crackers, cranberries, peanuts and water. Perfecto! I like breaking the snap peas open and eating the seeds one by one before gobbling up the super crisp, super sweet shell. As I sit here eating my delicious lunch and dwelling on things like school, work, and a lack of friends (and boyfriends for that matter) I find one reocurring theme: fear. I'm scared, I think, because I feel like I've reached an unchangable point in my life, like I've made such bad mistakes no amount of effort will ever clear them up:
1. School - boy did I mess up big time here. I can say it's not my fault, which I still don't feel it is, but at some point you have stop fighting simply for principal's sake and start taking steps in the right direction again. About a year and a half ago, I decided to change schools on a whim. First mistake. I decided to go to Red Rocks for a bit since all of my friends were switching over. Flawed logic much? So I went ahead and signed up for some classes only to find that MoneyGram was going to be sending me on a business trip to Minneapolis. I wanted to be responsible, to keep my gleamingly clean record the way it was, with a bright and shiny 3.8 GPA to wow DU. I decided to play it safe, drop the classes, and resume the following semester barring any more excursions ala MG. So I went onto the website, the one I had used to register, and found my classes weren't on there. "Okay", I say to myself, "the normal Jen would take that for what its worth and move on but I'm Responsible Jen today so I'll give Red Rocks a call just to make sure that I was removed from my courses." Second mistake. While my intent was fucking awesome, my reliance upon the female student who answered the phone was not. I trusted what she said which was that I would be automatically dropped from my classes for non-payment. I didn't need to do anything through the website or through her. The website, in fact, was going through a make-over, I was told, and that's why I didn't see the classes. So I said thank you and went about my day, my trip, the rest of my year until last March when I received a W2 or W4 (I can never remember which) from Red Rocks. Out of curiosity, I called them. Again, Responsible Jen wanted to clear up any kind of miscommunication or confusion. Third mistake. I was told that not only did I owe Red Rocks money for that semester of courses but that I also received four Fs on my transcript.
4.
Fs.
On my BEAUTIFUL college transcript!
So I did what most people would do: asked what happened, what went wrong, what I should have done and what I needed to do to fix it. I was told the Fs may be negotiable but the money was not. I was pissed. I hung up the phone, not before politely disconnecting (not her fault I was given misinfo) and started getting ready to fight them. I got all kinds of things together, from screen shots of my transcript to things written on their website and called them a day later, after I felt cooled down and armed to the teeth. But no, things were not that simple and I would have to schedule and attend a meeting with someone, a female, in the admissions office. I gave up. I did. Just like that, I rolled over, shoved my folder of weapons under an evergrowing pile of credit card offers and paid bills, and tried to put the whole Red Rocks fiasco out of my mind. Which worked. Until a few days ago when I started getting a wild hair up my ass to go back.
Let me clear up one thing: I go to school because I like it. Yes I see the value in a degree but I have also seen where it fails - it is not a guarantee of a job or of more money (or of compentecy for that matter!), in fact the only guarantee you get is the fact that you'll be receiving a grade on this thing called a 'transcript' - no guarantee that you'll even receive the piece of paper that I used to long for so badly. Their value is terribly inflated but don't get me wrong, I still see how degrees play into life.
I miss studying so bad you have no idea. I know, I know, I'm a fucking freak but I do! I miss it. I want to be pushed against a deadline, forced to interact with other students, challanged to the point of pulling my hair out. I want 150 pages to read for one class and 250 for the rest all to be completed in one night. I miss the structure and the chaos that college courses bring.
I miss school... but I'm scared...
I now have the fiduciary security (kind of) to clear up my debt to Red Rocks. That's fine. The problem is convincing them to take those Fs off. I know that I should start with a phone call - a simple, straight to the point conversation to see what I can do and what they can do for me. Perhaps the offer still holds that if I pay every penny they'll change the Fs to Ws (withdrawls or drops) or perhaps it doesn't. Perhaps I'll have to take time out of my work day, without pay, to get this cleared up. What is the worst that happens? I pay and keep the Fs? Re-take the classes? I could try to weasle my way back into ACC but I fear that the two colleges are in cahoots - that each night they exchange academic pillow talk about one Jennifer Fassler and her failures at life.
I eventually would like to make my way to CU Denver. I really would. I would like, one day, to don a cap and gown and walk, like really walk, with all of the confidence in the world that I was able to finish something.
Game Plan #1 - call Red Rocks tomorrow to get the low down on what can and what can't be done. Then go from there.
2. Work - I really don't like being a contractor - able to fired at will for no reason, no health insurance, no respect and no shot at internal positions. It's disheartening and frightening. I gave Daniel Lee my word that I would stay until the end of my contract and I have every intention of doing so but I'm starting to get a little worried because I'd like someone to want me to be their employee. Now I finally know just how my mom and Tim have felt through every application and interview that doesn't result in a job offer. I just have to be strong... but I'm scared...
Game Plan #2 - stick it out and grow a pair of balls. Ask Daniel if you're able to apply for internal positions once the day gets closer.
3. Friends - well there isn't a whole lot I can do here retroactively. Most of what's done is done and it's hard to go back and pretend like angry texts and impulsive reactions didn't happen. I can try to actually discuss what I've said and done with the people who've been hurt by them...but I'm scared...
Game Plan #3 - move forward and don't let the past dictate your future. Don't let what you've done keep you where you are, but rather see the damage it wreaked on the world and try hard not to repeat the same mistakes.
Kirsten put it the best way: stop caring. Everytime something pops into your head that makes you feel irrationally fearful, just tell your brain "I don't care".
I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care.
We'll see if this works.
I'm having an antipasti-inspired lunch today. Cheese and sweet snap peas, baby carrots and seaseme crackers, cranberries, peanuts and water. Perfecto! I like breaking the snap peas open and eating the seeds one by one before gobbling up the super crisp, super sweet shell. As I sit here eating my delicious lunch and dwelling on things like school, work, and a lack of friends (and boyfriends for that matter) I find one reocurring theme: fear. I'm scared, I think, because I feel like I've reached an unchangable point in my life, like I've made such bad mistakes no amount of effort will ever clear them up:
1. School - boy did I mess up big time here. I can say it's not my fault, which I still don't feel it is, but at some point you have stop fighting simply for principal's sake and start taking steps in the right direction again. About a year and a half ago, I decided to change schools on a whim. First mistake. I decided to go to Red Rocks for a bit since all of my friends were switching over. Flawed logic much? So I went ahead and signed up for some classes only to find that MoneyGram was going to be sending me on a business trip to Minneapolis. I wanted to be responsible, to keep my gleamingly clean record the way it was, with a bright and shiny 3.8 GPA to wow DU. I decided to play it safe, drop the classes, and resume the following semester barring any more excursions ala MG. So I went onto the website, the one I had used to register, and found my classes weren't on there. "Okay", I say to myself, "the normal Jen would take that for what its worth and move on but I'm Responsible Jen today so I'll give Red Rocks a call just to make sure that I was removed from my courses." Second mistake. While my intent was fucking awesome, my reliance upon the female student who answered the phone was not. I trusted what she said which was that I would be automatically dropped from my classes for non-payment. I didn't need to do anything through the website or through her. The website, in fact, was going through a make-over, I was told, and that's why I didn't see the classes. So I said thank you and went about my day, my trip, the rest of my year until last March when I received a W2 or W4 (I can never remember which) from Red Rocks. Out of curiosity, I called them. Again, Responsible Jen wanted to clear up any kind of miscommunication or confusion. Third mistake. I was told that not only did I owe Red Rocks money for that semester of courses but that I also received four Fs on my transcript.
4.
Fs.
On my BEAUTIFUL college transcript!
So I did what most people would do: asked what happened, what went wrong, what I should have done and what I needed to do to fix it. I was told the Fs may be negotiable but the money was not. I was pissed. I hung up the phone, not before politely disconnecting (not her fault I was given misinfo) and started getting ready to fight them. I got all kinds of things together, from screen shots of my transcript to things written on their website and called them a day later, after I felt cooled down and armed to the teeth. But no, things were not that simple and I would have to schedule and attend a meeting with someone, a female, in the admissions office. I gave up. I did. Just like that, I rolled over, shoved my folder of weapons under an evergrowing pile of credit card offers and paid bills, and tried to put the whole Red Rocks fiasco out of my mind. Which worked. Until a few days ago when I started getting a wild hair up my ass to go back.
Let me clear up one thing: I go to school because I like it. Yes I see the value in a degree but I have also seen where it fails - it is not a guarantee of a job or of more money (or of compentecy for that matter!), in fact the only guarantee you get is the fact that you'll be receiving a grade on this thing called a 'transcript' - no guarantee that you'll even receive the piece of paper that I used to long for so badly. Their value is terribly inflated but don't get me wrong, I still see how degrees play into life.
I miss studying so bad you have no idea. I know, I know, I'm a fucking freak but I do! I miss it. I want to be pushed against a deadline, forced to interact with other students, challanged to the point of pulling my hair out. I want 150 pages to read for one class and 250 for the rest all to be completed in one night. I miss the structure and the chaos that college courses bring.
I miss school... but I'm scared...
I now have the fiduciary security (kind of) to clear up my debt to Red Rocks. That's fine. The problem is convincing them to take those Fs off. I know that I should start with a phone call - a simple, straight to the point conversation to see what I can do and what they can do for me. Perhaps the offer still holds that if I pay every penny they'll change the Fs to Ws (withdrawls or drops) or perhaps it doesn't. Perhaps I'll have to take time out of my work day, without pay, to get this cleared up. What is the worst that happens? I pay and keep the Fs? Re-take the classes? I could try to weasle my way back into ACC but I fear that the two colleges are in cahoots - that each night they exchange academic pillow talk about one Jennifer Fassler and her failures at life.
I eventually would like to make my way to CU Denver. I really would. I would like, one day, to don a cap and gown and walk, like really walk, with all of the confidence in the world that I was able to finish something.
Game Plan #1 - call Red Rocks tomorrow to get the low down on what can and what can't be done. Then go from there.
2. Work - I really don't like being a contractor - able to fired at will for no reason, no health insurance, no respect and no shot at internal positions. It's disheartening and frightening. I gave Daniel Lee my word that I would stay until the end of my contract and I have every intention of doing so but I'm starting to get a little worried because I'd like someone to want me to be their employee. Now I finally know just how my mom and Tim have felt through every application and interview that doesn't result in a job offer. I just have to be strong... but I'm scared...
Game Plan #2 - stick it out and grow a pair of balls. Ask Daniel if you're able to apply for internal positions once the day gets closer.
3. Friends - well there isn't a whole lot I can do here retroactively. Most of what's done is done and it's hard to go back and pretend like angry texts and impulsive reactions didn't happen. I can try to actually discuss what I've said and done with the people who've been hurt by them...but I'm scared...
Game Plan #3 - move forward and don't let the past dictate your future. Don't let what you've done keep you where you are, but rather see the damage it wreaked on the world and try hard not to repeat the same mistakes.
Kirsten put it the best way: stop caring. Everytime something pops into your head that makes you feel irrationally fearful, just tell your brain "I don't care".
I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care.
We'll see if this works.
Friday, May 4, 2012
Working with Dan Look-A-Likes, Bodily Functions, Tattooed Shame & Safety Helmets
Week Two at _______ _____:
When I came here for my interview I had an interaction with a dude who's totally hot. It wasn't until I was sitting at his desk with him last Monday that I noticed he kind of looks like Dan. Fair enough. Bad timing for my BCD (boy crazy disorder) because I've been like a fucking cat in heat over here. For the first few days, I couldn't get sentences out right, for example:
Jen wants to say, "When I see 6.0 in the CC_Cnt_CN.... field, should that arise suspicion on my part and constitute for a more indepth review?"
Jen says, "When I see 6 in that one column, oh that one with the CC underscore CN thingie, is that bad?"
Wow. What a fucking idiot.
The floor I work on is seperated by a hall of elevators. I notice on Day Two that there's a helmet perched atop some of the cubicles on the opposite side of my floor. Kirsten and I discussed the helmet, it's potential uses and current purposes, and that we may need to steal for Alex since he's banging his head against the wall because he's so fucking bored. Now I'm thinking Jen, the Special Kid, should be donning the helmet to protect herself from concussing as she falls all over herself for some dude who drives an Audi, wears aviators, and is speculated to have tattoos.
So I've been striving, like really fucking striving, toward not finding him attractive. I have to go to that extreme because if I find him even remotely attractive, I fear I may dry hump his arm as he's helping me figure out why someone is masking their IP address. I've been doing okay, better than most times in the past when I've tried to control my BCD, but it's gradual.
Before I continue on with Mr. Hot-Who's-Kind-Of-A-Dick-But-I-Only-Find-Him-Hotter-Because-He-Is I shall discuss the events that occurred on Wednesday afternoon:
So two days ago I find some really odd activity on two different reports. The first interaction is fine: I send him the information and he says he'll look into it (I instant message him now instead of actually approaching his desk - a pathetic yet effective attempt to deter myself from drooling like Kirsten's bloodhound). Cool. For the next issue, I send him an IM only this time he comes to my desk to help me fix the SQL query. Perfect. When I get back from lunch I find that the query didn't work so I tell him.
- I should note that I have been trying ridiculoulsy hard not to say "sorry" or "I'm retarded" because I am supposed to be a supervisor and if he were butt-ass ugly I probably wouldn't think twice about asking him questions. -
So I'm pretty blunt with him and say something to the effect of: "it didn't work" and respond with "nope" and "k" in order to make myself appear as normal as possible. He returns to my desk and then calls another person over, a guy who's name I only know because ____ has mentioned it to me, and makes sure that his understanding of the field is correct. This is where everything goes awry. Not horribly awry, but awry nonetheless.
One of them, and I honestly prefer not to think about who it was, farted in my cubicle.
FARTED. In. My. CUBICLE.
It's not like this didn't happen at MoneyGram - it did - and it was just as repulsive. The problem with this Deuce-Dust is that it happened to be in MY cube while Mr. Hot-Who's-Kind-Of-A-Dick-But-I-Only-Find-Him-Hotter-Because-He-Is was in it! Let me break it down for you:
If it was him who squeezed one out, that's fine, disgusting yes, and makes me re-evaluate if I should even consider this guy as someone I'd like to bump uglies with, but I can live with that.
If it was NOT him, then here he is, thinking I'm socially awkward, mildly retarded, AND that I either:
a.) have no control over my bowels OR
b.) that I have no respect for the olfactory system
Regardless he thinks I'm gross. I have become that kid you don't want to sit next to in class because I stink and should have an aura about me like that of Pig Pen on Charlie Brown - something that should serve as a visual warning of the offensive stench that is about to meet your nose.
As if things could not possibly worsen regarding ______'s perception of me, this morning, in the elevator, I asked him if it was okay that I was showing the bottom part of my tattoo. Kirsten got this look on her face like she was about to laugh. She told me later that the look on his face was priceless. He looked at me, apparently, like I had just asked him if Christmas was in June.
Just to summarize:
I can't speak.
I stink.
I'm fucking stupid.
Oh yeah, and, in my pathetic little attempts to get him to like me, I've made some seriously dumb jokes. So yeah, add that to the growing list of Things That Make Jen Unattractive.
I picture myself, out in a field of rye; the golden grains that look like catapillars walking on stilts, wave in the wind, soft and gentle, poetically unobtrusive. Here I am, not with a catcher's mit, not surrounded by children who are about to fall off the ledge like Salinger so perfectly described, but I am standing there, shovel in hand, busily digging myself deeper and deeper into a filthy pit of all that is unappealing.
Kirsten and I have decided that when my contract expires I should tell him I think he's hot. I wish I could tell him now, so that maybe I had a fighting chance of preserving the few shreds of my pride that still linger; to try to save myself from continued and consistent embarassment but alas, it is not possible.
All I can do is continue to avoid looking at him. That and opening my mouth.
When I came here for my interview I had an interaction with a dude who's totally hot. It wasn't until I was sitting at his desk with him last Monday that I noticed he kind of looks like Dan. Fair enough. Bad timing for my BCD (boy crazy disorder) because I've been like a fucking cat in heat over here. For the first few days, I couldn't get sentences out right, for example:
Jen wants to say, "When I see 6.0 in the CC_Cnt_CN.... field, should that arise suspicion on my part and constitute for a more indepth review?"
Jen says, "When I see 6 in that one column, oh that one with the CC underscore CN thingie, is that bad?"
Wow. What a fucking idiot.
The floor I work on is seperated by a hall of elevators. I notice on Day Two that there's a helmet perched atop some of the cubicles on the opposite side of my floor. Kirsten and I discussed the helmet, it's potential uses and current purposes, and that we may need to steal for Alex since he's banging his head against the wall because he's so fucking bored. Now I'm thinking Jen, the Special Kid, should be donning the helmet to protect herself from concussing as she falls all over herself for some dude who drives an Audi, wears aviators, and is speculated to have tattoos.
So I've been striving, like really fucking striving, toward not finding him attractive. I have to go to that extreme because if I find him even remotely attractive, I fear I may dry hump his arm as he's helping me figure out why someone is masking their IP address. I've been doing okay, better than most times in the past when I've tried to control my BCD, but it's gradual.
Before I continue on with Mr. Hot-Who's-Kind-Of-A-Dick-But-I-Only-Find-Him-Hotter-Because-He-Is I shall discuss the events that occurred on Wednesday afternoon:
So two days ago I find some really odd activity on two different reports. The first interaction is fine: I send him the information and he says he'll look into it (I instant message him now instead of actually approaching his desk - a pathetic yet effective attempt to deter myself from drooling like Kirsten's bloodhound). Cool. For the next issue, I send him an IM only this time he comes to my desk to help me fix the SQL query. Perfect. When I get back from lunch I find that the query didn't work so I tell him.
- I should note that I have been trying ridiculoulsy hard not to say "sorry" or "I'm retarded" because I am supposed to be a supervisor and if he were butt-ass ugly I probably wouldn't think twice about asking him questions. -
So I'm pretty blunt with him and say something to the effect of: "it didn't work" and respond with "nope" and "k" in order to make myself appear as normal as possible. He returns to my desk and then calls another person over, a guy who's name I only know because ____ has mentioned it to me, and makes sure that his understanding of the field is correct. This is where everything goes awry. Not horribly awry, but awry nonetheless.
One of them, and I honestly prefer not to think about who it was, farted in my cubicle.
FARTED. In. My. CUBICLE.
It's not like this didn't happen at MoneyGram - it did - and it was just as repulsive. The problem with this Deuce-Dust is that it happened to be in MY cube while Mr. Hot-Who's-Kind-Of-A-Dick-But-I-Only-Find-Him-Hotter-Because-He-Is was in it! Let me break it down for you:
If it was him who squeezed one out, that's fine, disgusting yes, and makes me re-evaluate if I should even consider this guy as someone I'd like to bump uglies with, but I can live with that.
If it was NOT him, then here he is, thinking I'm socially awkward, mildly retarded, AND that I either:
a.) have no control over my bowels OR
b.) that I have no respect for the olfactory system
Regardless he thinks I'm gross. I have become that kid you don't want to sit next to in class because I stink and should have an aura about me like that of Pig Pen on Charlie Brown - something that should serve as a visual warning of the offensive stench that is about to meet your nose.
As if things could not possibly worsen regarding ______'s perception of me, this morning, in the elevator, I asked him if it was okay that I was showing the bottom part of my tattoo. Kirsten got this look on her face like she was about to laugh. She told me later that the look on his face was priceless. He looked at me, apparently, like I had just asked him if Christmas was in June.
Just to summarize:
I can't speak.
I stink.
I'm fucking stupid.
Oh yeah, and, in my pathetic little attempts to get him to like me, I've made some seriously dumb jokes. So yeah, add that to the growing list of Things That Make Jen Unattractive.
I picture myself, out in a field of rye; the golden grains that look like catapillars walking on stilts, wave in the wind, soft and gentle, poetically unobtrusive. Here I am, not with a catcher's mit, not surrounded by children who are about to fall off the ledge like Salinger so perfectly described, but I am standing there, shovel in hand, busily digging myself deeper and deeper into a filthy pit of all that is unappealing.
Kirsten and I have decided that when my contract expires I should tell him I think he's hot. I wish I could tell him now, so that maybe I had a fighting chance of preserving the few shreds of my pride that still linger; to try to save myself from continued and consistent embarassment but alas, it is not possible.
All I can do is continue to avoid looking at him. That and opening my mouth.
Sunday, April 22, 2012
RIP Levon
It's not that I just heard, rather that I'm listening to him now - a far more appropriate prompt for written refection than his passing - one more honorable.
Tim introduced me to the band about five years ago so no I'm not a lifelong fan but I may as well be. Big Pink was the first record of theirs I bought. A lovingly pre-owned copy, it has all of the pops and crackles that come with years of spinning. I myself have listened to it maybe three times. Predictably I will listen to it again soon. I will hold my own memorial service for one of he best drummers and singers of all time...
I'll be Listening to Levon...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uyLvo2CrkQY&feature=youtube_gdata_player
Tim introduced me to the band about five years ago so no I'm not a lifelong fan but I may as well be. Big Pink was the first record of theirs I bought. A lovingly pre-owned copy, it has all of the pops and crackles that come with years of spinning. I myself have listened to it maybe three times. Predictably I will listen to it again soon. I will hold my own memorial service for one of he best drummers and singers of all time...
I'll be Listening to Levon...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uyLvo2CrkQY&feature=youtube_gdata_player
Thursday, April 12, 2012
I heart Ira
When I hear those four little letters WBEZ my heart skips a beat. It's not those characters on their own or even collectively, not the tone in which they're said but rather who is saying them: Mr. Ira Glass.
I have been listening to NPR for 14 years now and of those, I've been listening to This American Life for about half that. A couple of years ago I went through a heavy streaming phase, a very innocent yet borderline obsessive part of my life where I listened only to his cool introductions, narrations that have a bedtime story feel. Ira is like a wonderful author; each word chosen was done so in a meticulous manner, each one serving a very important purpose: to leave the audience eating tastefully dramatic bits right from the palm of his 53 year old hand. The hand of a linguistic genius. ;)
As per usual, when it comes to me and things I like, Ira has become a kind of human crack, a distant substance that I have been freebasing for days now. I blame, in part, this iPhone. Stupid technology. Making everything all accessible and shit. Not a good thing for those who have addictive personalities.
I have every singe episode of This American Life from 1995 to current. They say it'll take me 17 days to get through them all... I love a challenge. I can do it in half the time with eight hours at work and all night before bed.
I've been falling asleep to the sound of his voice. I wish I could make Siri sound like Ira.
I heart Ira.
I have been listening to NPR for 14 years now and of those, I've been listening to This American Life for about half that. A couple of years ago I went through a heavy streaming phase, a very innocent yet borderline obsessive part of my life where I listened only to his cool introductions, narrations that have a bedtime story feel. Ira is like a wonderful author; each word chosen was done so in a meticulous manner, each one serving a very important purpose: to leave the audience eating tastefully dramatic bits right from the palm of his 53 year old hand. The hand of a linguistic genius. ;)
As per usual, when it comes to me and things I like, Ira has become a kind of human crack, a distant substance that I have been freebasing for days now. I blame, in part, this iPhone. Stupid technology. Making everything all accessible and shit. Not a good thing for those who have addictive personalities.
I have every singe episode of This American Life from 1995 to current. They say it'll take me 17 days to get through them all... I love a challenge. I can do it in half the time with eight hours at work and all night before bed.
I've been falling asleep to the sound of his voice. I wish I could make Siri sound like Ira.
I heart Ira.
Saturday, February 25, 2012
The Lone Heart State
After a week in Texas, I'm beginning to see the beauty of the city.
While not the most pedestrian friendly city, it is clean and lovely in
its own right: the architecture is breathtaking, both during the day
and at night. The city appears to have sprung up overnight -- it seems
that all of the highrises were built within the last ten years.
Everything is modern and glistening, sprawling and gorgeous. In all of
its superficial beauty, there is a bit left to be desired by someone as
down to earth as myself. But sometimes growing up means an acceptance
that we are possibly more materialistic than we'd like to admit. I feel
the pull of newness and of money; of all that can be accomplished with
these things but with the imperitive understanding that while none of
it will bring the entirety of happiness, it does facilitate comfort and
a certain kind of piece of mind. I do need to keep reality firmly in my
grasp though and understand that the excitement will wear off and I
will be alone; away from all that I know and all who I love. Two years
is short and long; it can go by in the blink of an eye but lots of
things can happen during a twenty four month period. I know that my
stresses and depression will follow me here but I also know what I can
do with my time: finish my degree, complete my CFE, be financially
stable enough to help my parents when they need it, and be able to fly
home at least once a month. So I'll see everyone twenty four times from
April 2012 to February 2014. From there I will be equipt with the
papers to market myself, the diploma to give me the confidence to
banish the fear of not being good enough to get a job anywhere I want.
All week I have battled back and fourth with moving here. I wonder if
my fear is motivating my desire to stick it out in Denver or if that is
the rational understanding that I know I will not be happy. With every
will to move to here I wonder if I'm being motivated purly by the
picture I've created out of excitement and expectation or if I truly am
growing up and realizing that this is a game changer, a career
excelorator, just another step on the path of where my life is leading
me. I do fear the lonliness and alienation I'll experience. And while I
love stars and always will, the Lone Star State may become the Lone
Heart state by this time next year....
Life is a risk. This is God coming to me and asking me make a wager and place my bet.
"Come to the edge, he said
They said: We are afraid.
Come to the edge, he said.
They came,
He pushed them,
and they flew."
~Guillaume Apollinaire
While not the most pedestrian friendly city, it is clean and lovely in
its own right: the architecture is breathtaking, both during the day
and at night. The city appears to have sprung up overnight -- it seems
that all of the highrises were built within the last ten years.
Everything is modern and glistening, sprawling and gorgeous. In all of
its superficial beauty, there is a bit left to be desired by someone as
down to earth as myself. But sometimes growing up means an acceptance
that we are possibly more materialistic than we'd like to admit. I feel
the pull of newness and of money; of all that can be accomplished with
these things but with the imperitive understanding that while none of
it will bring the entirety of happiness, it does facilitate comfort and
a certain kind of piece of mind. I do need to keep reality firmly in my
grasp though and understand that the excitement will wear off and I
will be alone; away from all that I know and all who I love. Two years
is short and long; it can go by in the blink of an eye but lots of
things can happen during a twenty four month period. I know that my
stresses and depression will follow me here but I also know what I can
do with my time: finish my degree, complete my CFE, be financially
stable enough to help my parents when they need it, and be able to fly
home at least once a month. So I'll see everyone twenty four times from
April 2012 to February 2014. From there I will be equipt with the
papers to market myself, the diploma to give me the confidence to
banish the fear of not being good enough to get a job anywhere I want.
All week I have battled back and fourth with moving here. I wonder if
my fear is motivating my desire to stick it out in Denver or if that is
the rational understanding that I know I will not be happy. With every
will to move to here I wonder if I'm being motivated purly by the
picture I've created out of excitement and expectation or if I truly am
growing up and realizing that this is a game changer, a career
excelorator, just another step on the path of where my life is leading
me. I do fear the lonliness and alienation I'll experience. And while I
love stars and always will, the Lone Star State may become the Lone
Heart state by this time next year....
Life is a risk. This is God coming to me and asking me make a wager and place my bet.
"Come to the edge, he said
They said: We are afraid.
Come to the edge, he said.
They came,
He pushed them,
and they flew."
~Guillaume Apollinaire
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