I'm supposed to be 58% right brained so what the hell is up with all of the fucking writers block?  It's like trying to get water from a stone, words from my brain refuse to come out in any kind of literarily amuzing way.  If this hadn't been going on for more than two years now, I'd be impulsively worried but now I'm "In Real Life" worried that I've lost it.  And not just the writing part, but my entire creative capaticy seems to be the exact opposite: there is no capacity because there is no creativity.  Is it possible to be right brained your entire life and then jump to being more left brained?  Or is there really no ____ brained at all?  Like my brain is what it is and uses what it uses and doesn't favor one side to the other?

Fuck if I know and of course the ever-usefull, ever-disappointing internet is of no help.  I mean I'm sure the answer is somewhere in there but I don't have the patience nor commitment necessary to read through page after page of explaination that I really can't validate or trust.  Because who knows.  People are crazy and knowing me someone would write something like, "Cross Train Your Brain: Making the Best of Both Worlds" and I'd buy into it lock, stock, and barrel only to find that it was written by some nut in an asylum somewhere. 

There is a lot of helpful advice on removing writer's block but unfortunately a lot of it requires me to already have a subject in mind.  They also suggest reading.  Which is just great for the girl with the mind that latches onto ideas and refuses to let them go - even if they were thought up by someone else.  I suddenly find myself wanting to write a mystery because I just finished "Gone Girl" by Gillian Flynn.  So here I am, staring at the ever-present, always cliche blank sheet of paper (or Word doc) and I write the words:

"I didn't know what to do with myself.  I wasn't sure if I should run or pick up the phone." 

Great intro.  Fantastic.  Until I have to take it somewhere, and by somewhere I mean anywhere but where Gillian Flynn took her book.  It sucks because my mind rationalizes (maybe that's the wrong word) away ideas because "they've already been done".  I don't want to write another fucking Twilight or Gone Girl or Harry Potter or Running with Scissors.  As tempted as my mind is by these, I refuse to succomb to becoming a regurgitated version of my favorite authors.  Where is the authenticity?  Originiality?  If I'm always piggy-backing on someone else, I am a fraud.  A poser.  So how can I pull some wonderful idea that's worth writing about that will keep my attention long enough to finish it out of my ass?  Who the fuck knows! 

"I decided to run as fast as I could, out of the house and down the concrete steps onto the asphalt and forced my legs to pump until my lungs refused to breathe and my muscles threatened to pop.  I knelt on the cool grass, the blades of it irritating the skin of my knees.  I was covered in blood, from head to toe, just covered, but not drenched because I wasn't dripping.  I was just a red, scared, brethless version of myself sitting in the grass which I hated to do (I was allergic).  My mind wasn't racing to pull the events together or even humming along in some sort of psychotic hymnal to God.  No it was resolute."

I gotta get out of this place.  I can't stay a minute longer. 

You are my sweetest downfall.

Not suitable for Facebook:

I am infuriated by Walmart (still) and am surprised that I'm SURPRISED that they still get away with all of the bullshit they do.  I think I'm more infuriated though when people I talk to about it don't give a shit.  Look I don't blame you, hate you, judge you if you shop at Walmart.  That's not my issue.  My issue is when I explain what's happening there and people are stuck so far up their own ass to care about anyone else.  I'm done with the utterly self-involved.  Seriously.  I have become more stupid and insensitive just knowing these people. Put your fucking headphone back in and cut me off.  That's classy, you dick.  Why don't you go shove your tits in Justin & Mike's faces a bit more?  Clearly you have much more pressing validation issues to attend to; I'm so sorry to have bothered to try to educate your dumb ass. 

I'm too pussy to de-friend Samantha and also too pussy to post this while she's my friend.  I'm just so disgusted that I'm friends - FUCKING FRIENDS with people who are such utter assholes.  Fuck it.  I'm over it.

He still...

...makes my heart go pitter patter... But I would rather not lose his friendship to the desires of my heart again. So I'm his friend and that's all I shall be. Unless, of course, he would be open to loving me.

Hopefully optimistic yet rationally trepidatious.

I like it.

Girls who make me go LOL

Girls who need have the attention of dudes 24/7.... even when they're married. 

Makes me a little sad for them.

Makes me a little scared for them.

Makes me LOL because it's sooooooo OBVIOUS.

Poor thing.  Don't worry, someday, hopefully, you'll see the beauty in your soul and realize that no one needs to validate you except YOU!

You're so hot.  I haven't even seen you yet, well not ALL of you, and I still know you're gorgeous today.

I have officially become a creeper

Why go out to lunch all by yourself when I'm right here?!?!  I mean come on guy, why care about this place and let it stand in your way?  I know I'm hot.  I know I'm fucking awesome.  So what's the hold up here?  Is it because I'm not blonde????  Eh.  Doubtful.  I keep trying to think of things to make you smile since you're so miserable here.  But I don't want to continually cross the line.  I've already jumped over it a time or two and I need to back off.  But I love your smile.  Like honestly you have no idea how that smile makes me feel... and when I'M the one to make you smile, oh that's it, I could die right then and be perfectly happy.  Like I told you, there's just something about you.  And yes, that may be creepy and yeah, I could be crazy, but fuck it.  I don't give a shit.  I have nothing to lose.  I'm just too impatient and you consume too much of my time by always being on my mind... I need a break, a brief stint of silent sanity bestowed upon me by your absence... yet I don't want to ever NOT think about you.  I CAN'T WAIT UNTIL DECEMBER. 

The way I feel for you, without knowing you very well, is like a mixture of how I felt for Cory, Chris, Dan, and Mark.  That's a whole lotta feelings right there.  A LOT.  I realize that you sit over there feelingless when it comes to me.  Perhaps not entirely void of feeling toward me, but I can't imagine, by your actions (or lack thereof) that you're all head over heels for me like I am for you.  I don't know why I'm this way over someone like you but I am. 

Kirsten just told me she saw you looking at me.  I wish you'd do that more often.  Anytime my hot tall friend, anytime.  This is all yours from now on.  Even if you don't know it yet...

Yep sounds about right. ______ is just that!

"Aries females fall for independent, well-built, and confident males. Thus looks as well as a confident personality matters to you. The moment you find a blend of these qualities in a man you are likely to get drawn to his charm. A sulking, sentimental and powerless man is certainly not for you. You want your partner to be passionate and possessive- the two qualities that can easily impress an Arian woman. An Aries female also carries a jealous nature in the matters of heart. You simply cannot share your man with anyone and if you feel suspicious of any woman intruding into your love life you will pose a tough competition to retain your man. In contrast to other females, Aries females look for a commanding partner who can control her haughty attitude. You would love your man to be your boss and hold the reigns of your life."

No wonder I find him perfect.

It's hard to look right, at you baby, but here's my number...

"Before you came into my life, I missed you so bad."

BORED.

I don't know what to do with myself today. 

I am so bored.  Ugh.  Sick of checking Facebook every five minutes.  That thing has already lost its luster. 

I could go to lunch but don't feel like standing in line at Chipotle for half of my life. 

I could go to Barnes and Noble to buy the book I want but I don't feel like spending more time in my car than I have to. 

Why is it that when I'm scared out of my mind I think of Mark.  Why.  God why.  Notice the period.  No quesion mark.  I don't REALLY want to know the answers.  I had a dream about him on Monday.  Him and bees stinging me all over. 

I feel out of whack this week - primarily because of my lack of sleep and iron.  Wednesday night was awful, only three and half hours of sleep after than fucking tornado bullshit.  Anxiety so bad that I threw up.  Pathetic, I know. 

Fuck it.  I'm going to the gas station.  Even this is boring.

Saira and her sweet little Juniper