Tuesday, May 29, 2007
Live through this and you won’t look back…I’m not sorry I met you, I’m not sorry it’s over, I’m not sorry there’s nothing to say.
This weekend was definitely better than the last.
Friday- attempted to go to a co-workers celebration for her being promoted but couldn’t because Nicole isn’t 21. I took her back to her car and then went and hung out with my cousins for a bit.
Saturday- I woke up around ten; I had a long week. I got coffee and then drove downtown to go record shopping. I bought:
Bob Dylan with the Band
Janis Joplin- I Got Dem Ol' Kozmic Blues Again Mama
Neutral Milk Hotel- In the Aeroplane Over the Sea
Robert Plant- The Principal of Moments
Neil Young- Harvest Moon
And I only paid like thirty eight dollars or something, which is more than I wanted but is pretty good for five records. All of them are totally badass but Harvest Moon (the song) fucking killed me. It just reminded me of Dan and I and it brought back a bunch of feelings that had long since fallen to the way side. My heart started doing that pang thing. I’ve always wondered if guys hearts pang too???
After record shopping I went to Washington Park and wrote for a few hours. It was nice to be alone outside rather than cooped up on the couch watching cable. I got a lot of writing done which made me feel really good. I jumped in the car and went home to change for a quick run. Let me tell you, for the last fifteen minutes I sprinted, nay (god I love that word) ran as fast as I fucking could, to try to get all of the excess Dan out of my system. I was in the middle of stretching my calves when the tears hit me. They came out of no where but they weren’t bad. Just kind of odd. So I sent him a text message which consisted of ;_; He replied with D: whatever that means. I think it means he’s yelling at me??? I just left it at that. I didn’t know what to say. I mean really I just want to let everything out and say, “I realized that I really am in love with you and I want so badly to be with you. I want you to love me.” But I obviously can’t do that.
Kurt stopped by shortly after I sent the text message. He said something about me being tinier than I was before (but I’ve been at the same weight for like seven years). I won’t lie, it was good to see him. But I can tell what he’s trying to do. He’s trying to get back together with me. He invited me to go to the Rockies game yesterday but I declined. Then he told me to call into work today and we could hang out and just have fun. I don’t think so. There’s no way in hell I would get back together with him.
Kurt left after about forty five minutes and then Larissa came over.
Ecstacy. Wow. Very interesting drug. Although I have done it before, this time just seemed a bit odd. Things were fine until Ryan sent Larissa some drunk text messages. I tried not to get sad but I still did. And I wasn’t necessarily sad about Ryan, just sad about Dan. When it was time to go to sleep, we couldn’t. Our bodies were exhausted. Our eyelids were terribly heavy, but our minds just wouldn’t shut the fuck up. We woke up early and hung out all day. We didn’t do shit. She eventually went home and I just hung out all tired and fucking crazy lazy. The hang over from that shit is vicious. I woke up on Monday and decided to go for a run around Washington Park. Larissa wanted to come too so we met up around eleven and then stopped at Starbucks. I still wasn’t feeling normal, just kind of out of wack. I was still panging like a motherfucker for him. So bad that I kept going onto his website just so I could look at pictures of his smile. God his smile kills me every time. Our run was pretty good but we didn’t do much for the rest of the day. I wrote a bit but couldn’t keep my concentration. The overwhelming amount of laundry I had to do nearly killed me. I finally got most of it done and then I decided to give myself a manicure and a pedicure which both turned out sweet.
**This part is all about Dan. If you're sick of my bitching, just skip over it.**
Throughout the weekend, I kept checking Dan’s website. Moments of weakness that never leave soon enough. And I came to the conclusion that yes, I am in love with him. I see so much potential in him. And when I say potential, I’m not referring to professional success or anything. I’m meaning that he has the potential to love immensely and I wish that I brought that out in him. I wish that when he looked at me he had the same fondness that I have for him. I wish he would let me in. I know that if that happened, I wouldn’t have anything to complain about. But since I’m a girl, I know I would find something. I also wish that he didn’t feel like giving up when we fight. I suppose I’m just not worth it to him.
There are just so many things I wish right now. There certainly isn’t any harm in hoping, right?
I keep remembering times with him that I forgot about it. Almost like it’s been years since we’ve been together. And almost like we spent years together. I remember listening to this one song that he said was hard for him to listen to because it reminded him of South Africa and all of the great times he had with some very close friends. I wanted, at that moment, to crawl inside of him and make his uneasy heart easy again. I wanted him to listen to the song with a smile, not with wanting. The song, by the way, is beautiful. We had sex to it. Speaking of the sex, although it was magnificent, there was so much more there than the just the physical pleasure. I really think we had a connection, I felt like if I strayed too far from him, the chain would break. I guess I ran a little too far in the wrong direction. Everything reminds me of him again. Every thing. The smell of the air when I first go outside, the music notes that play in my mind, the ones that are waiting to be written for him. The sight of the mountains; I remember when they were covered in snow and I imagined him skiing, sloping and swooshing down the side of some enormous mountain. The sun when its sinking reminds me of the wallpaper on his Mac; him and a couple of friends playing Frisbee. When the night settles in and the only thing you can make out are street lights and sometimes stars. Every time the darkest blue creeps in like that, it reminds me of the very first night I spent at his house. All wrapped in the comfort of his bed, all wrapped up in the excitement that comes with thoughts of “could this be the one?” I could have envisioned myself marrying him a thousand times. I can still see it only now it brings sadness. And a longing that I honestly do fear will never fade. Much like that I feel for Cory. Perhaps this was my second great love. And even though it only lasted for a handful of months, it was amazing. Those moments when we would just lay in his bed and laugh. When I would make jokes and he would think I was actually funny. When he would look at me and say, “I’m yours”. If only that were true.
Friday- attempted to go to a co-workers celebration for her being promoted but couldn’t because Nicole isn’t 21. I took her back to her car and then went and hung out with my cousins for a bit.
Saturday- I woke up around ten; I had a long week. I got coffee and then drove downtown to go record shopping. I bought:
Bob Dylan with the Band
Janis Joplin- I Got Dem Ol' Kozmic Blues Again Mama
Neutral Milk Hotel- In the Aeroplane Over the Sea
Robert Plant- The Principal of Moments
Neil Young- Harvest Moon
And I only paid like thirty eight dollars or something, which is more than I wanted but is pretty good for five records. All of them are totally badass but Harvest Moon (the song) fucking killed me. It just reminded me of Dan and I and it brought back a bunch of feelings that had long since fallen to the way side. My heart started doing that pang thing. I’ve always wondered if guys hearts pang too???
After record shopping I went to Washington Park and wrote for a few hours. It was nice to be alone outside rather than cooped up on the couch watching cable. I got a lot of writing done which made me feel really good. I jumped in the car and went home to change for a quick run. Let me tell you, for the last fifteen minutes I sprinted, nay (god I love that word) ran as fast as I fucking could, to try to get all of the excess Dan out of my system. I was in the middle of stretching my calves when the tears hit me. They came out of no where but they weren’t bad. Just kind of odd. So I sent him a text message which consisted of ;_; He replied with D: whatever that means. I think it means he’s yelling at me??? I just left it at that. I didn’t know what to say. I mean really I just want to let everything out and say, “I realized that I really am in love with you and I want so badly to be with you. I want you to love me.” But I obviously can’t do that.
Kurt stopped by shortly after I sent the text message. He said something about me being tinier than I was before (but I’ve been at the same weight for like seven years). I won’t lie, it was good to see him. But I can tell what he’s trying to do. He’s trying to get back together with me. He invited me to go to the Rockies game yesterday but I declined. Then he told me to call into work today and we could hang out and just have fun. I don’t think so. There’s no way in hell I would get back together with him.
Kurt left after about forty five minutes and then Larissa came over.
Ecstacy. Wow. Very interesting drug. Although I have done it before, this time just seemed a bit odd. Things were fine until Ryan sent Larissa some drunk text messages. I tried not to get sad but I still did. And I wasn’t necessarily sad about Ryan, just sad about Dan. When it was time to go to sleep, we couldn’t. Our bodies were exhausted. Our eyelids were terribly heavy, but our minds just wouldn’t shut the fuck up. We woke up early and hung out all day. We didn’t do shit. She eventually went home and I just hung out all tired and fucking crazy lazy. The hang over from that shit is vicious. I woke up on Monday and decided to go for a run around Washington Park. Larissa wanted to come too so we met up around eleven and then stopped at Starbucks. I still wasn’t feeling normal, just kind of out of wack. I was still panging like a motherfucker for him. So bad that I kept going onto his website just so I could look at pictures of his smile. God his smile kills me every time. Our run was pretty good but we didn’t do much for the rest of the day. I wrote a bit but couldn’t keep my concentration. The overwhelming amount of laundry I had to do nearly killed me. I finally got most of it done and then I decided to give myself a manicure and a pedicure which both turned out sweet.
**This part is all about Dan. If you're sick of my bitching, just skip over it.**
Throughout the weekend, I kept checking Dan’s website. Moments of weakness that never leave soon enough. And I came to the conclusion that yes, I am in love with him. I see so much potential in him. And when I say potential, I’m not referring to professional success or anything. I’m meaning that he has the potential to love immensely and I wish that I brought that out in him. I wish that when he looked at me he had the same fondness that I have for him. I wish he would let me in. I know that if that happened, I wouldn’t have anything to complain about. But since I’m a girl, I know I would find something. I also wish that he didn’t feel like giving up when we fight. I suppose I’m just not worth it to him.
There are just so many things I wish right now. There certainly isn’t any harm in hoping, right?
I keep remembering times with him that I forgot about it. Almost like it’s been years since we’ve been together. And almost like we spent years together. I remember listening to this one song that he said was hard for him to listen to because it reminded him of South Africa and all of the great times he had with some very close friends. I wanted, at that moment, to crawl inside of him and make his uneasy heart easy again. I wanted him to listen to the song with a smile, not with wanting. The song, by the way, is beautiful. We had sex to it. Speaking of the sex, although it was magnificent, there was so much more there than the just the physical pleasure. I really think we had a connection, I felt like if I strayed too far from him, the chain would break. I guess I ran a little too far in the wrong direction. Everything reminds me of him again. Every thing. The smell of the air when I first go outside, the music notes that play in my mind, the ones that are waiting to be written for him. The sight of the mountains; I remember when they were covered in snow and I imagined him skiing, sloping and swooshing down the side of some enormous mountain. The sun when its sinking reminds me of the wallpaper on his Mac; him and a couple of friends playing Frisbee. When the night settles in and the only thing you can make out are street lights and sometimes stars. Every time the darkest blue creeps in like that, it reminds me of the very first night I spent at his house. All wrapped in the comfort of his bed, all wrapped up in the excitement that comes with thoughts of “could this be the one?” I could have envisioned myself marrying him a thousand times. I can still see it only now it brings sadness. And a longing that I honestly do fear will never fade. Much like that I feel for Cory. Perhaps this was my second great love. And even though it only lasted for a handful of months, it was amazing. Those moments when we would just lay in his bed and laugh. When I would make jokes and he would think I was actually funny. When he would look at me and say, “I’m yours”. If only that were true.
Monday, May 28, 2007
Thursday, May 24, 2007
A few things I find irritating:
1. The Creature- his constant need to remove his headphones to listen to Ryan and I converse about things that do not pertain to him drives me nuts! Also, his “know it all” attitude is wearing thin.
2. The new compliance analyst- she’s nice and all, hell I’d even say I’d go out for drinks with her just as long as she keeps her nasty paws out of the ice bucket. We had a potluck last week and instead of scooping the ice into her cup with her cup, she proceeded to stick her hands, fingers covered with falsies, into the ice and grabbed two handfuls.
3. The new Lexus commercials featuring artists like Diana Krall and Elvis Costello. Let me tell you, nothing disgusts me more than seeing some woman, eyes half opened, sitting in a car listening to a piano tune that sounds like it was made for a fucking Jiffy Pop commercial. Her Canadian accent almost sends me reeling, wanting to grab any object, blunt or sharp, to remove my ear drums. Watching Elvis Costello “jam out” to classical music is almost insulting. Elvis, please stop pretending you’re a conductor. Elvis, please stop pretending that anyone actually likes your music.
4. Randy Newman- I hate this guys fucking voice. What made me hate it was a few days locked up inside watching Toy Story over and over. Good god, someone needs to carve his vocal chords out, dangle them in front of his face while simultaneously playing his music. Mr. Newman, please witness this abomination that you have created. Your abuse of your vocal chords has forced them to be removed.
5. Dan- of course he would be on the list! How could he not be? I find it irritating that he led me to believe he was “the perfect guy”. Surprise Valentine’s Day dinners at Chipotle. Towels shoved under shirts to make me look pregnant, then looking in the mirror, with arms wrapped around me, saying, “Look at us. We look good.”
6. When I come into work and there’s no coffee. We have three, count them THREE coffee pots hanging out. Would it kill you, nay, would it be terribly inconveniencing for you to open a bag of coffee, one that is already perfectly measured, pour it into a coffee filter, and push a button that says “brew”? Is that hard? Am I like some super productive human being because I can make coffee? What the fuck is wrong with people? Oh yeah, we’re in America. Americans are horrendously lazy individuals.
7. When Ryan comes to work but doesn’t talk to me all day. Not necessarily irritating but I anxiously await any interaction with him. His hotness is such a nice distraction.
8. People who go to the bathroom in the workplace but don’t wash their hands. After taking a huge shit, I understand if when you’re at home you don’t wash your hands. You obviously don’t really care about getting Ecoli which is fine by me, hell if you’re so stupid as to not wash up after crapping, then perhaps you deserve to be tethered to the toilet for a few days. Although God knows you won’t bother to wash them after that either. But in the workplace, when I have to touch things you touch, I would prefer not to contract any kind of incurable disease because you’re too damn lazy to run some water over your fucking hands! For Christ’s sake how lazy have we become? We don’t even care about our health anymore, let alone the health of those around us. I give, what’s the secret? How much time are you saving by not messing around with pesky hand- washing? Like thirty goddamn seconds that’s what! Jebus help us all.
9. Men in general- A friend of mine (lets call her Kikki) who is pregnant (lets call baby daddy Jonathan) is going through a hell of a time with her significant other. Well I guess he’s not anything but a sperm donor at this point but we need not quibble about such things. Kikki went home after a hard day of work yesterday and decided to take a nap. When she woke up she was greeted by a barrage of text messages from Jonathan. Ranging from “Hey mama, what’s up?” to “By the way, I don’t we’re going to work out”, the texts sent her into somewhat of an emotional spiral. First off, who is so stupid as to fuck with a pregnant woman? I mean you’re just asking for your balls to be in a vice in two seconds flat. Second, just because she didn’t answer when you called, does not necessarily mean she’s fucking someone else. Third, she wouldn’t want to fuck anyone, whether it be you or some random Tom, Dick, or Harry, because she hates penises at the moment. They are responsible for her being with child. Not that she’s upset about that, I just don’t foresee her wanting a big piece of man meat inside of her anytime soon. Basically Jonathan dumped Kikki because he’s a girl. I want to ask him to drop his pants so we can make sure he still has a pair. Jonathan is very similar to Dan in the way that they paint a very appealing picture of marriage, a house, and one of those happily ever after endings. Just like Dan, Jonathan can start it but he can’t finish it. Sure it’s nice to play house, and when you can play, why would you ever actually chose to live like that? Because that’s natural progression you ass fuck! That’s what human beings are meant to do! They’re meant to procreate and raise the new ones until their fit to leave the proverbial nest. There’s nothing wrong with this and if you attempt to stray from this path, you’ll end up hairy, alone, and eating microwave dinners for the rest of your stupid little life! You have no purpose if you do not create. You have no purpose if you do not assist in the raising of said offspring. “Go forth and be prosperous” is how I think the phrase goes, so fucking go forth and take responsibility! Don’t you want your kid to have a family? Or do you want it to be raised by a single mom who can barely afford to take care of herself? Here’s a thought, why you don’t you think about these things before you take that hideous thing called a dick out of your pants?
10. Not being able to play video games when I want- I am so fucking sick of not having a gaming system. What I really want is an Xbox and a GameCube. That’s it. I really don’t think that’s a lot to ask. I mean I want to play Halo and Ninja Scrolls. I need to finish Zelda and the Windwaker.
11. Little to no anime- I was going to stop at 10 but the last one just reminded me of my lack of anime. There is some anime on On Demand; a few episodes of Samurai Champloo, a few Inuyahsas too; but some just isn’t enough god damn it!
2. The new compliance analyst- she’s nice and all, hell I’d even say I’d go out for drinks with her just as long as she keeps her nasty paws out of the ice bucket. We had a potluck last week and instead of scooping the ice into her cup with her cup, she proceeded to stick her hands, fingers covered with falsies, into the ice and grabbed two handfuls.
3. The new Lexus commercials featuring artists like Diana Krall and Elvis Costello. Let me tell you, nothing disgusts me more than seeing some woman, eyes half opened, sitting in a car listening to a piano tune that sounds like it was made for a fucking Jiffy Pop commercial. Her Canadian accent almost sends me reeling, wanting to grab any object, blunt or sharp, to remove my ear drums. Watching Elvis Costello “jam out” to classical music is almost insulting. Elvis, please stop pretending you’re a conductor. Elvis, please stop pretending that anyone actually likes your music.
4. Randy Newman- I hate this guys fucking voice. What made me hate it was a few days locked up inside watching Toy Story over and over. Good god, someone needs to carve his vocal chords out, dangle them in front of his face while simultaneously playing his music. Mr. Newman, please witness this abomination that you have created. Your abuse of your vocal chords has forced them to be removed.
5. Dan- of course he would be on the list! How could he not be? I find it irritating that he led me to believe he was “the perfect guy”. Surprise Valentine’s Day dinners at Chipotle. Towels shoved under shirts to make me look pregnant, then looking in the mirror, with arms wrapped around me, saying, “Look at us. We look good.”
6. When I come into work and there’s no coffee. We have three, count them THREE coffee pots hanging out. Would it kill you, nay, would it be terribly inconveniencing for you to open a bag of coffee, one that is already perfectly measured, pour it into a coffee filter, and push a button that says “brew”? Is that hard? Am I like some super productive human being because I can make coffee? What the fuck is wrong with people? Oh yeah, we’re in America. Americans are horrendously lazy individuals.
7. When Ryan comes to work but doesn’t talk to me all day. Not necessarily irritating but I anxiously await any interaction with him. His hotness is such a nice distraction.
8. People who go to the bathroom in the workplace but don’t wash their hands. After taking a huge shit, I understand if when you’re at home you don’t wash your hands. You obviously don’t really care about getting Ecoli which is fine by me, hell if you’re so stupid as to not wash up after crapping, then perhaps you deserve to be tethered to the toilet for a few days. Although God knows you won’t bother to wash them after that either. But in the workplace, when I have to touch things you touch, I would prefer not to contract any kind of incurable disease because you’re too damn lazy to run some water over your fucking hands! For Christ’s sake how lazy have we become? We don’t even care about our health anymore, let alone the health of those around us. I give, what’s the secret? How much time are you saving by not messing around with pesky hand- washing? Like thirty goddamn seconds that’s what! Jebus help us all.
9. Men in general- A friend of mine (lets call her Kikki) who is pregnant (lets call baby daddy Jonathan) is going through a hell of a time with her significant other. Well I guess he’s not anything but a sperm donor at this point but we need not quibble about such things. Kikki went home after a hard day of work yesterday and decided to take a nap. When she woke up she was greeted by a barrage of text messages from Jonathan. Ranging from “Hey mama, what’s up?” to “By the way, I don’t we’re going to work out”, the texts sent her into somewhat of an emotional spiral. First off, who is so stupid as to fuck with a pregnant woman? I mean you’re just asking for your balls to be in a vice in two seconds flat. Second, just because she didn’t answer when you called, does not necessarily mean she’s fucking someone else. Third, she wouldn’t want to fuck anyone, whether it be you or some random Tom, Dick, or Harry, because she hates penises at the moment. They are responsible for her being with child. Not that she’s upset about that, I just don’t foresee her wanting a big piece of man meat inside of her anytime soon. Basically Jonathan dumped Kikki because he’s a girl. I want to ask him to drop his pants so we can make sure he still has a pair. Jonathan is very similar to Dan in the way that they paint a very appealing picture of marriage, a house, and one of those happily ever after endings. Just like Dan, Jonathan can start it but he can’t finish it. Sure it’s nice to play house, and when you can play, why would you ever actually chose to live like that? Because that’s natural progression you ass fuck! That’s what human beings are meant to do! They’re meant to procreate and raise the new ones until their fit to leave the proverbial nest. There’s nothing wrong with this and if you attempt to stray from this path, you’ll end up hairy, alone, and eating microwave dinners for the rest of your stupid little life! You have no purpose if you do not create. You have no purpose if you do not assist in the raising of said offspring. “Go forth and be prosperous” is how I think the phrase goes, so fucking go forth and take responsibility! Don’t you want your kid to have a family? Or do you want it to be raised by a single mom who can barely afford to take care of herself? Here’s a thought, why you don’t you think about these things before you take that hideous thing called a dick out of your pants?
10. Not being able to play video games when I want- I am so fucking sick of not having a gaming system. What I really want is an Xbox and a GameCube. That’s it. I really don’t think that’s a lot to ask. I mean I want to play Halo and Ninja Scrolls. I need to finish Zelda and the Windwaker.
11. Little to no anime- I was going to stop at 10 but the last one just reminded me of my lack of anime. There is some anime on On Demand; a few episodes of Samurai Champloo, a few Inuyahsas too; but some just isn’t enough god damn it!
Tuesday, May 22, 2007
It's Dan, the emotionally devoid man!
A while back, I asked Dan to listen to a song that I thought was insanely sweet. I told him that it was a song that all girls wished their boyfriends would write about them. I asked him if he listened to it, and if he did, did he like it? His response was along the lines of, “I listened to it. I didn’t identify with it so I didn’t really like it.”
Of course he wouldn’t identify with a song that has emotion or depth or hell, even meaning. Here’s the song in case you’re curious.
Hey there Delilah
What's it like in New York City
I'm a thousand miles away
But girl tonight you look so pretty
Yes you do
Time Square cant shine as bright as you
I swear it's true
Hey there Delilah
Don't you worry about the distance
I'm right there if you get lonely
Give this song another listen
Close your eyes
Listen to my voice it's my disguise
I'm by your side
Oh it's what you do to me
Oh it's what you do to me
Oh it's what you do to me
Oh it's what you do to me
What you do to me
Hey there DelilahI know times are getting hard
But just believe me girl
Someday I'll pay the bills with this guitar
We'll have it good
We'll have the life we knew we would
My word is good
Hey there Delilah
I've got so much left to say
If every simple song I wrote to you
Would take your breath away
I'd write it all
Even more in love with me you'd fall
We'd have it all
Oh it's what you do to me
Oh it's what you do to me
Oh it's what you do to me
Oh it's what you do to me
A thousand miles seems pretty far
But they've got planes and trains and cars
I'd walk to you if I had no other way
Our friends would all make fun of us
But we'll just laugh along because we know
That none of them have felt this way
Delilah I can promise you
That by the time that we get through
The world will never ever be the same
And you're to blame
Hey there Delilah
You be good and don't you miss me
Two more years and you'll be done with school
And I'll be making history like I do
You'll know it's all because of you
We can do whatever we want to
Hey there Delilah here's to you
This one's for you
Oh it's what you do to me
Oh it's what you do to me
Oh it's what you do to me
Oh it's what you do to me
What you do to me
What you do to me
Of course he wouldn’t identify with a song that has emotion or depth or hell, even meaning. Here’s the song in case you’re curious.
Hey there Delilah
What's it like in New York City
I'm a thousand miles away
But girl tonight you look so pretty
Yes you do
Time Square cant shine as bright as you
I swear it's true
Hey there Delilah
Don't you worry about the distance
I'm right there if you get lonely
Give this song another listen
Close your eyes
Listen to my voice it's my disguise
I'm by your side
Oh it's what you do to me
Oh it's what you do to me
Oh it's what you do to me
Oh it's what you do to me
What you do to me
Hey there DelilahI know times are getting hard
But just believe me girl
Someday I'll pay the bills with this guitar
We'll have it good
We'll have the life we knew we would
My word is good
Hey there Delilah
I've got so much left to say
If every simple song I wrote to you
Would take your breath away
I'd write it all
Even more in love with me you'd fall
We'd have it all
Oh it's what you do to me
Oh it's what you do to me
Oh it's what you do to me
Oh it's what you do to me
A thousand miles seems pretty far
But they've got planes and trains and cars
I'd walk to you if I had no other way
Our friends would all make fun of us
But we'll just laugh along because we know
That none of them have felt this way
Delilah I can promise you
That by the time that we get through
The world will never ever be the same
And you're to blame
Hey there Delilah
You be good and don't you miss me
Two more years and you'll be done with school
And I'll be making history like I do
You'll know it's all because of you
We can do whatever we want to
Hey there Delilah here's to you
This one's for you
Oh it's what you do to me
Oh it's what you do to me
Oh it's what you do to me
Oh it's what you do to me
What you do to me
What you do to me
Monday, May 21, 2007
I thought you knew the drill. It’s kill or be killed.
I had an okay weekend. I hung out with my friends Adam and Saira on Friday night. I haven’t seen Adam in ages, probably a couple of years. We both look so different that we had much to discuss; especially our appearances. It was definitely good to see him. Saira and her boyfriend Donovan have kind of been in a weird place lately. They hardly ever see each other and it seems like he doesn’t care. Its sad because all signs point to him breaking up with her. We had a good long, LOOOONNNNGGG talk about boyfriends. For the first time, I was able to relate to her. Dan and Donovan are very much the same. Feeling not good enough, not smart enough, not wanted, etc are traits of both of our relationships. It felt good to talk about Dan.
Saturday was difficult. I had to wake up early so I could make sure I was on time to pick up my mom for my cousin’s high school graduation. I threw on my white “hippie- go- lucky” dress and a blue tank top. I was walking out the door, nay, running out the door, when she called to say that she had a headache and wouldn’t be able to make it. I was a bit irritated by this because of the lack of sleep and marijuana hang over. I went to Starbucks and got a Frappacino which proceeded to leak onto my white skirt!!! I attempted to lick it but to no avail; you could still see the faint brown oblong smack dab in the middle. I sucked it up and headed to Boulder. The drive was longer than I remembered; I haven’t been up there since Cory, and that’s been a couple of years. When I arrived, Larissa and her mom were waiting for me. Larissa has been short with me for the past week or so, ever since Dan and I parted ways. Believe me, it’s not because all I do is talk about him. Exactly the opposite; and it came back to bite me in the ass. Anyway, Larissa was in a rushed, grouchy mood so I just hung out with her mom. Her dad clearly wasn’t expecting me (thanks Larissa) so I had to sit alone. That was fine, I’m a big girl.
I have never been to a graduation before. It was actually a great experience. The speakers were amazing. The first speaker, who was a student, spoke so eloquently, so calmly, that you would think he had been doing it for years. More over, his speech was interesting, motivating, it totally wrapped you in. I wonder if he was in debate… There was this one woman, who had left some pages of her speech some where else but recovered brilliantly. She said a couple of things that brought me a lot of hope.
“Anything worth having is worth waiting for.”
And “The only one who can make you happy is you. The only one who can help you succeed is you.”
There is so much truth in these statements and even though they are simple, they resounded within me and almost brought me to tears. I sat in the CU auditorium looking around, envisioning myself there. I am very hopeful that I will succeed with school.
I saw a few teachers from my past and decided not to approach them. I have not yet accomplished anything that I’m proud of. It’s pointless to engaged in conversation that will be one sided.
I ended up leaving before the ceremony ended because I had a cough- attack. I walked back to my car and decided I would call Dan to see if he wanted to play Frisbee. He didn’t answer so I left him some bullshit message about checking the internet on my computer. No one called me all day. I sat inside, alone, with nothing to do. I played guitar for a while. I taught myself the G chord and D/F#. Those are tricky but fun once you master them. I’m trying to learn my first song. On Demand has free lessons but the songs they have are hit or miss. The one I’m learning is American Pie. I’ve always loved that song. Larissa came over shortly there after and we went out to dinner. Her mood was so shitty. I think it set the tone for Sunday and Monday. Stupid little grouch. She has had the WORST attitude for such a long time that its becoming hard to shake it off.
Sunday was the day from hell. Well maybe today was that. For fuck’s sake, both days were just god awful. I texted Dan in the morning, around ten, to ask him if he would be done with my laptop. Instead of simply writing me back with a yes or no answer, he decides to call. I was taking a piss at the time so I didn’t answer. When I got back to my phone, I noticed it had very little battery left. I called him and we spoke briefly before my phone shut off. I couldn’t get the piece of shit to turn back on. I fucked around with the charger, took the fucker apart, and NOTHING! So now I’m pissed, I’m crying my eyes out because, guess what? I love Dan. And I’m cell phone- less. Fucking great. So I drove aaaaaallllllllll the way downtown to go to the Cingular store. I found parking right away which was nice but then, low and behold, those assholes are closed on Sundays. Oh man, you can bet I was fuming! I spent the entire day perfecting the new chords I learned. That’s it. I watched some Real World, something on Steve Jobs and the iPod, Family Guy and then Office Space.
To top this all off:
I’m still sick, hacking up a fucking lung every few minutes.
I come into work, both of my girls called in and I’m left here to train a new girl who barely gets the concept of double- clicking.
I check my messages and Dan had left the SNOTTIEST message I’ve ever heard. He was pissed because he had set aside time for me last week to put the animes onto my computer. Long story short, he wasn’t able to put them onto my computer anyway. This coming from Mr. Self- proclaimed Genius man. Whatever. So the whole thing has just been a big fucking waste.
I’ve had a terrible day and really all I want is to go home. All I want is a nice guy, to hug me and say, ‘I love you, really I do, for everything you and even more for the things you aren’t.’ I won’t hold my fucking breath…
Ryan the Temp, perceptive as usual, attempted to make me feel better. Little does he know that really, all his presence does is make things worse. I’m either reminded of that Fucking Asshole Dan or I’m reminded of the fact that I like him and there’s no way I’ll ever have him.
Two good things tried to balance out this day. 1) I applied for a great job at Corporate Express. 2) I got 100% on my audit
**Final Thought**
Ahhh sweet frustration. Ahhhh sweet self hatred. Welcome back, you’ve both been terribly missed.
Saturday was difficult. I had to wake up early so I could make sure I was on time to pick up my mom for my cousin’s high school graduation. I threw on my white “hippie- go- lucky” dress and a blue tank top. I was walking out the door, nay, running out the door, when she called to say that she had a headache and wouldn’t be able to make it. I was a bit irritated by this because of the lack of sleep and marijuana hang over. I went to Starbucks and got a Frappacino which proceeded to leak onto my white skirt!!! I attempted to lick it but to no avail; you could still see the faint brown oblong smack dab in the middle. I sucked it up and headed to Boulder. The drive was longer than I remembered; I haven’t been up there since Cory, and that’s been a couple of years. When I arrived, Larissa and her mom were waiting for me. Larissa has been short with me for the past week or so, ever since Dan and I parted ways. Believe me, it’s not because all I do is talk about him. Exactly the opposite; and it came back to bite me in the ass. Anyway, Larissa was in a rushed, grouchy mood so I just hung out with her mom. Her dad clearly wasn’t expecting me (thanks Larissa) so I had to sit alone. That was fine, I’m a big girl.
I have never been to a graduation before. It was actually a great experience. The speakers were amazing. The first speaker, who was a student, spoke so eloquently, so calmly, that you would think he had been doing it for years. More over, his speech was interesting, motivating, it totally wrapped you in. I wonder if he was in debate… There was this one woman, who had left some pages of her speech some where else but recovered brilliantly. She said a couple of things that brought me a lot of hope.
“Anything worth having is worth waiting for.”
And “The only one who can make you happy is you. The only one who can help you succeed is you.”
There is so much truth in these statements and even though they are simple, they resounded within me and almost brought me to tears. I sat in the CU auditorium looking around, envisioning myself there. I am very hopeful that I will succeed with school.
I saw a few teachers from my past and decided not to approach them. I have not yet accomplished anything that I’m proud of. It’s pointless to engaged in conversation that will be one sided.
I ended up leaving before the ceremony ended because I had a cough- attack. I walked back to my car and decided I would call Dan to see if he wanted to play Frisbee. He didn’t answer so I left him some bullshit message about checking the internet on my computer. No one called me all day. I sat inside, alone, with nothing to do. I played guitar for a while. I taught myself the G chord and D/F#. Those are tricky but fun once you master them. I’m trying to learn my first song. On Demand has free lessons but the songs they have are hit or miss. The one I’m learning is American Pie. I’ve always loved that song. Larissa came over shortly there after and we went out to dinner. Her mood was so shitty. I think it set the tone for Sunday and Monday. Stupid little grouch. She has had the WORST attitude for such a long time that its becoming hard to shake it off.
Sunday was the day from hell. Well maybe today was that. For fuck’s sake, both days were just god awful. I texted Dan in the morning, around ten, to ask him if he would be done with my laptop. Instead of simply writing me back with a yes or no answer, he decides to call. I was taking a piss at the time so I didn’t answer. When I got back to my phone, I noticed it had very little battery left. I called him and we spoke briefly before my phone shut off. I couldn’t get the piece of shit to turn back on. I fucked around with the charger, took the fucker apart, and NOTHING! So now I’m pissed, I’m crying my eyes out because, guess what? I love Dan. And I’m cell phone- less. Fucking great. So I drove aaaaaallllllllll the way downtown to go to the Cingular store. I found parking right away which was nice but then, low and behold, those assholes are closed on Sundays. Oh man, you can bet I was fuming! I spent the entire day perfecting the new chords I learned. That’s it. I watched some Real World, something on Steve Jobs and the iPod, Family Guy and then Office Space.
To top this all off:
I’m still sick, hacking up a fucking lung every few minutes.
I come into work, both of my girls called in and I’m left here to train a new girl who barely gets the concept of double- clicking.
I check my messages and Dan had left the SNOTTIEST message I’ve ever heard. He was pissed because he had set aside time for me last week to put the animes onto my computer. Long story short, he wasn’t able to put them onto my computer anyway. This coming from Mr. Self- proclaimed Genius man. Whatever. So the whole thing has just been a big fucking waste.
I’ve had a terrible day and really all I want is to go home. All I want is a nice guy, to hug me and say, ‘I love you, really I do, for everything you and even more for the things you aren’t.’ I won’t hold my fucking breath…
Ryan the Temp, perceptive as usual, attempted to make me feel better. Little does he know that really, all his presence does is make things worse. I’m either reminded of that Fucking Asshole Dan or I’m reminded of the fact that I like him and there’s no way I’ll ever have him.
Two good things tried to balance out this day. 1) I applied for a great job at Corporate Express. 2) I got 100% on my audit
**Final Thought**
Ahhh sweet frustration. Ahhhh sweet self hatred. Welcome back, you’ve both been terribly missed.
Thursday, May 17, 2007
Thout shalt remember that guns, bitches, and bling were never part of the four elements
I’m really tired and bored today. Here’s why:
Stress- I found out that the FAFSA application I submitted was for the fall semester, not summer. Had I known this earlier, I would have been able to fill out another one for the correct semester but payment is due today. I’m fucked.
Crying- Cried out of frustration because of school, cried because of Dan (aka the Asshole), cried because I thought today was Friday but it’s really only Thursday.
Anger- Kurt, an ex of mine, accused me of spreading some vicious rumors about him here at work. This would have been true last year but I haven’t done as much as even mention his name as of late.
I left work at 11:15 for lunch so I could try to relax. I called Kurt to straighten things out. We talked for a good half hour or so. I fixed the problem.
I sat in my car and contemplated my attitude yesterday. I was very passionate about perseverance, preaching it to whomever would listen. Today I felt like giving up. I felt like calling Dan and telling him to leave me alone. His constant attempts at conversation are killing me. His invites to hang out and watch anime are even worse. It’s so fucking hard to get over someone when they keep forcing themselves into your life. Sure we can be friends. Just not right now. The thought of him with another girl is excruciating. Would he want to hear about me and some guy?!? Anyway back to giving up. I envisioned myself graduating. I felt pride pulse through me. How could I give up when I’ve gotten this far. And I know that “this far” isn’t really far at all but for me, it’s a huge step in the right direction. Talking with Kurt also showed me how I’ve changed emotionally. My temper isn’t nearly as bad as it once was; again, it’s nothing spectacular but things are getting better. So I snapped myself out of it, wiped the tears from eyes, and went back into work.
I have a predicament.
For all intents and purposes, we’re going to call this person Johnny. So I kind of had a crush on Johnny once upon a time. Johnny didn’t seem interested so I gave up. Now Johnny is available, I’m available, so you’d think I would just swoop in there and grab him up right? No. Jen is too much of a sissy to do something bold like that. She doesn’t even know if Johnny likes her, although sometimes, with certain things he says or does, or things he notices about her that no one else notices, makes her think he might, MIGHT, be interested. Problem is that Johnny is friends with an ex of Jen’s (me. I like referring to myself in third person because it sounds fucking hilarious). Boys are always so loyal to their friends so I can see this being an issue. But I want Johnny! Or Johnny’s friend Bob. Bob is different than the ex and Johnny. Well they’re all different in their own right and if Jen could have it her way, she would combine all three of them to make the one perfect man for herself. But Jen can’t do that, she’s not a scientist and even if she were, there’s no way to actually do that. Jen had been faced with this choice before and she chose the wrong one. Jen has a lot of thinking to do…
**Final Thought**
Rap is so sweet. Actually, most of the “rap” they play on the radio is just plain hilarious. Ludacris is hilarious. Akon is hilarious but completely intolerable. Booba, a French rapper, is so badass. I love his songs. French is sweet anyway, but put that out there with an awesome beat behind it and you’re golden! Golden, son, golden.
Stress- I found out that the FAFSA application I submitted was for the fall semester, not summer. Had I known this earlier, I would have been able to fill out another one for the correct semester but payment is due today. I’m fucked.
Crying- Cried out of frustration because of school, cried because of Dan (aka the Asshole), cried because I thought today was Friday but it’s really only Thursday.
Anger- Kurt, an ex of mine, accused me of spreading some vicious rumors about him here at work. This would have been true last year but I haven’t done as much as even mention his name as of late.
I left work at 11:15 for lunch so I could try to relax. I called Kurt to straighten things out. We talked for a good half hour or so. I fixed the problem.
I sat in my car and contemplated my attitude yesterday. I was very passionate about perseverance, preaching it to whomever would listen. Today I felt like giving up. I felt like calling Dan and telling him to leave me alone. His constant attempts at conversation are killing me. His invites to hang out and watch anime are even worse. It’s so fucking hard to get over someone when they keep forcing themselves into your life. Sure we can be friends. Just not right now. The thought of him with another girl is excruciating. Would he want to hear about me and some guy?!? Anyway back to giving up. I envisioned myself graduating. I felt pride pulse through me. How could I give up when I’ve gotten this far. And I know that “this far” isn’t really far at all but for me, it’s a huge step in the right direction. Talking with Kurt also showed me how I’ve changed emotionally. My temper isn’t nearly as bad as it once was; again, it’s nothing spectacular but things are getting better. So I snapped myself out of it, wiped the tears from eyes, and went back into work.
I have a predicament.
For all intents and purposes, we’re going to call this person Johnny. So I kind of had a crush on Johnny once upon a time. Johnny didn’t seem interested so I gave up. Now Johnny is available, I’m available, so you’d think I would just swoop in there and grab him up right? No. Jen is too much of a sissy to do something bold like that. She doesn’t even know if Johnny likes her, although sometimes, with certain things he says or does, or things he notices about her that no one else notices, makes her think he might, MIGHT, be interested. Problem is that Johnny is friends with an ex of Jen’s (me. I like referring to myself in third person because it sounds fucking hilarious). Boys are always so loyal to their friends so I can see this being an issue. But I want Johnny! Or Johnny’s friend Bob. Bob is different than the ex and Johnny. Well they’re all different in their own right and if Jen could have it her way, she would combine all three of them to make the one perfect man for herself. But Jen can’t do that, she’s not a scientist and even if she were, there’s no way to actually do that. Jen had been faced with this choice before and she chose the wrong one. Jen has a lot of thinking to do…
**Final Thought**
Rap is so sweet. Actually, most of the “rap” they play on the radio is just plain hilarious. Ludacris is hilarious. Akon is hilarious but completely intolerable. Booba, a French rapper, is so badass. I love his songs. French is sweet anyway, but put that out there with an awesome beat behind it and you’re golden! Golden, son, golden.
Tuesday, May 15, 2007
This Brand New song is us. Irony is painful.
With one or two I get used to the room
We go slow when we first make our moves
'Bout five or six bring you out to the car
Number nine with my head on the bar
And its sad, but true
Out of cash and I owe you.
I got desperate desires and unadmirable plans
My tongue will taste of gin and malicious intent
Bring you back to the bar, get you out of the cold
A sober straight face, gets you out of your clothes
And they're scared, that we know
All the crimes they'll commit
Who they'll kiss before they get home.
I will lie awake
Lie for fun and fake the way I hold you
Let you fall for every empty word I say.
Barely conscious in the door where you stand
Your eyes are fighting sleep while
Your mouth makes your demands
You laugh at every word
Trying hard to be cuteI almost feel sorry for what I'm gonna do
And your hair smells of smoke
Who will cast the first stone?
You can sin or spend the night all alone.
Brass buttons on your coat hold the cold,
In the shape of a heart that they cut out of stone
You're using all your looks that you've thrown from the start
If you let me have my way, I swear I'll tear you apart
Cause its all you can be
You're a drunk
And your scaredIts ladies night, all the girls drink for free.
I will lie awake
and lie for fun and fake the way I hold you
let you fall for every empty word I say.
I will lie awake
And lie for fun and fake the way I hold you
Let you fall for every empty word I say.
I will lie awake
And lie for fun and fake the way I hold you
Let you fall for every empty word I say.
We go slow when we first make our moves
'Bout five or six bring you out to the car
Number nine with my head on the bar
And its sad, but true
Out of cash and I owe you.
I got desperate desires and unadmirable plans
My tongue will taste of gin and malicious intent
Bring you back to the bar, get you out of the cold
A sober straight face, gets you out of your clothes
And they're scared, that we know
All the crimes they'll commit
Who they'll kiss before they get home.
I will lie awake
Lie for fun and fake the way I hold you
Let you fall for every empty word I say.
Barely conscious in the door where you stand
Your eyes are fighting sleep while
Your mouth makes your demands
You laugh at every word
Trying hard to be cuteI almost feel sorry for what I'm gonna do
And your hair smells of smoke
Who will cast the first stone?
You can sin or spend the night all alone.
Brass buttons on your coat hold the cold,
In the shape of a heart that they cut out of stone
You're using all your looks that you've thrown from the start
If you let me have my way, I swear I'll tear you apart
Cause its all you can be
You're a drunk
And your scaredIts ladies night, all the girls drink for free.
I will lie awake
and lie for fun and fake the way I hold you
let you fall for every empty word I say.
I will lie awake
And lie for fun and fake the way I hold you
Let you fall for every empty word I say.
I will lie awake
And lie for fun and fake the way I hold you
Let you fall for every empty word I say.
The world has turned and left me here, just where I was, before you appeared.
I’m all upset over the Asshole, again! Its so frustrating going through break ups, one minute you’re fine, you have that “fuck him, he’s missing out” attitude and then the very next second, you’re balling your eyes out, reading old emails from him. The ones where he says he can’t stop thinking about you. The one that has a picture attached where he’s outlined how you’ve broken his heart by not meeting with him. [see picture to the right] Where did that person go? I was under the impression that things would get better, that his feelings would evolve and we would be in love in no time. I was far too optimistic, just like every girl is. We’re all still hopeful children, wanting to believe that everyone has the best of intentions. Everything is as good as chocolate ice cream. And then the cold, hard reality sets in. Ice cream SMASHED in our faces!
I have a theory. Life is tough. Or is it? No. It’s not life that’s difficult, it’s specific things, catalysts if you will, which torment us and push us to our limits. Men/ boys are catalysts. A friend of mine says she’s a masochist because of how much she gets hurt by men. I’m convinced I am also a masochist. I set myself up for failure every time. And upon further reflection, I find myself asking, “Why did I do that? I could have made things so much easier if I hadn’t gotten hurt by him.” The thought that also crosses my mind quite often is, “why can’t I be like them? Why can’t I just stop caring?!” I am in a very frustrating position at the moment.
He’s agreed to give me my animes. Initially he said he would burn them onto DVDs for me (originally, when we were together, he said he wasn’t able to burn them). Yesterday he sent me an email asking if I had gotten the laptop, which I did, and then he proceeded to ask to me to bring it over so he could put the anime on it. What do I do?
Ryan the Temp has offered to take the laptop on my behalf. I’m a bit confused as to why he’s being so helpful with this. The thought just occurred to me that perhaps the Asshole has already moved on. The thought of that just sent a lovely pukey feeling straight to my tummy. Perfect.
I am torn though. Will I be viewed as juvenile if I go that route? I want him to suffer, as I have, as I am. I want to talk about boys in front of him. I want him to get jealous and feel bad and then miraculously change into the picture of perfection I painted of him long ago. I am so weak right now. I am so confused. I am so sick. I am so hurt.
I am still devastated.
Friday, May 11, 2007
Is it really better to have loved and lost?
I can’t seem to write at all anymore. I used to write a lot; songs, poetry, short stories; but now, it’s like I’m a well that’s gone dry. I fear that I’ll never write (well) again. Every time a thought pops in my head, it pops right back out as soon as I try to focus on what words to use. I’ll come up with one great line and then I won’t be able to figure out where to go with it. This is what I get for boasting that I never get writer’s block. Stupid Jen.
Ryan the Temp left early today. He’s going to Arizona to visit his girlfriend, Erin. She’s very pretty, has great taste in clothes and shoes, and seems to be extremely sweet- almost too sweet. She always makes little goody bags for him and the Asshole and I’m Already Up (I’ll explain who he is momentarily or perhaps in my next blog). I felt like I almost had to compete with her or something because they all love her so much. Ryan’s mood today was a bit off, nothing big, but it seems like he’s either really distracted or doesn’t like me anymore. The latter is probably just paranoia. I just can’t help but envision the Asshole saying all kinds of nasty things about me to his friends. In turn, they hate me too and then I’m back at square one. I just want to be clear, I don’t hate the Asshole, just the opposite actually, which is why I’m so hurt and angry.
Speaking of him, he called me today. I wrote him an email asking for the animes. As per usual, he didn’t have enough time (or just flat out didn’t want to) read my response so he called instead. I advised him that yes my computer can play DVDs. I requested that he burn Bleach and Inuyasha for me. He said he would but wasn’t sure how long that would take. So I could basically be waiting my entire fucking life for this stuff. Fan- fucking- tastic. The thing that irritates me is that I was feeling great today! I had the best attitude, life was good, fuck guys, who needs them, you know all of that jazz. But then he has to call. And I hear in his voice that he couldn’t be happier without me. That my friends, is brutal. I wanted to cry right then and there. But of course not, no, we wouldn’t want him to know that I’m suffering. He should be under the impression that I could care less. But he knows better.
I’m Already Up is the Asshole and Ryan the Temp’s room mate. [Quick note: did I mention we all went to high school together?] I call him that because he tends to have VBAs quite often. [Another quick note: VBA= Very Bad Attitude]. Once, the Asshole told me to be quiet because IAU was sleeping. At which point I was reminded of an episode of the Simpson’s where Homer dies and goes to hell. [Tree House of Horrors- can’t remember which one, episode is called Ghost Dad]. The Devil is giving Homer a noogie and suddenly, Homer begins to scream out, as one usually does when receiving a noogie. The Devil says, “Shhh, you’ll wake up John Wayne.” Fake camera pans to a cave, out walks John Wayne. “I’m already up” he says. So that’s where the name came from. Anyway, he’s hot just like the Asshole and Ryan the Temp. A lethal combination, I hate to imagine what it’s like when they all go out together and try to pick up on ladies.
Bad thought just entered my head. The Asshole with another girl. God make this stop.
Cable is good, carpets are clean. House smells nice, looks nice. Things are going well with my dad and I. Haven’t heard from my mom, waiting for a return call. Mother’s day is on Sunday. I plan on planting flowers with her. Hopefully it works out.
I’m going to be buying a laptop from Nicole soon. I am so excited by the prospect of having free internet. Plus, it’s a Mac. But I’m a PC kinda gal. I already have a PC so I guess I’ll be a little of both.
I see this perfect girl for him and I wish it was me. So very badly.
**Final thought**I wish you really could erase chunks of your memory. Get rid of all of the unpleasant things. I don’t care what anybody says, I would have rather not loved at all.
Ryan the Temp left early today. He’s going to Arizona to visit his girlfriend, Erin. She’s very pretty, has great taste in clothes and shoes, and seems to be extremely sweet- almost too sweet. She always makes little goody bags for him and the Asshole and I’m Already Up (I’ll explain who he is momentarily or perhaps in my next blog). I felt like I almost had to compete with her or something because they all love her so much. Ryan’s mood today was a bit off, nothing big, but it seems like he’s either really distracted or doesn’t like me anymore. The latter is probably just paranoia. I just can’t help but envision the Asshole saying all kinds of nasty things about me to his friends. In turn, they hate me too and then I’m back at square one. I just want to be clear, I don’t hate the Asshole, just the opposite actually, which is why I’m so hurt and angry.
Speaking of him, he called me today. I wrote him an email asking for the animes. As per usual, he didn’t have enough time (or just flat out didn’t want to) read my response so he called instead. I advised him that yes my computer can play DVDs. I requested that he burn Bleach and Inuyasha for me. He said he would but wasn’t sure how long that would take. So I could basically be waiting my entire fucking life for this stuff. Fan- fucking- tastic. The thing that irritates me is that I was feeling great today! I had the best attitude, life was good, fuck guys, who needs them, you know all of that jazz. But then he has to call. And I hear in his voice that he couldn’t be happier without me. That my friends, is brutal. I wanted to cry right then and there. But of course not, no, we wouldn’t want him to know that I’m suffering. He should be under the impression that I could care less. But he knows better.
I’m Already Up is the Asshole and Ryan the Temp’s room mate. [Quick note: did I mention we all went to high school together?] I call him that because he tends to have VBAs quite often. [Another quick note: VBA= Very Bad Attitude]. Once, the Asshole told me to be quiet because IAU was sleeping. At which point I was reminded of an episode of the Simpson’s where Homer dies and goes to hell. [Tree House of Horrors- can’t remember which one, episode is called Ghost Dad]. The Devil is giving Homer a noogie and suddenly, Homer begins to scream out, as one usually does when receiving a noogie. The Devil says, “Shhh, you’ll wake up John Wayne.” Fake camera pans to a cave, out walks John Wayne. “I’m already up” he says. So that’s where the name came from. Anyway, he’s hot just like the Asshole and Ryan the Temp. A lethal combination, I hate to imagine what it’s like when they all go out together and try to pick up on ladies.
Bad thought just entered my head. The Asshole with another girl. God make this stop.
Cable is good, carpets are clean. House smells nice, looks nice. Things are going well with my dad and I. Haven’t heard from my mom, waiting for a return call. Mother’s day is on Sunday. I plan on planting flowers with her. Hopefully it works out.
I’m going to be buying a laptop from Nicole soon. I am so excited by the prospect of having free internet. Plus, it’s a Mac. But I’m a PC kinda gal. I already have a PC so I guess I’ll be a little of both.
I see this perfect girl for him and I wish it was me. So very badly.
**Final thought**I wish you really could erase chunks of your memory. Get rid of all of the unpleasant things. I don’t care what anybody says, I would have rather not loved at all.
Thursday, May 10, 2007
I will lie awake and lie for fun and fake the way I hold you, let you fall for every empty word I say
I am getting ready to register for a class for summer. I was dead set on taking Western Civilization because I always rock at History but the online course is full. So my other options are:
Math- absolutely not. The Asshole was going to help me but now that he’s out of the picture I’m kind of stuck. I like math, but it’s hard for me to get on the first try. I need someone to re-explain it to me in a way that makes sense and Dan was so good at that… but whatever. I’ll probably have to break down and get a tutor or something.
English- Oh man I am going to try my hardest to put this off. I love English! I love writing! I LOVE reading! But there is nothing that I hate more than being told how to write. It’s difficult because then the rules and regulations seep over into my personal writing which then becomes non- existent because I can’t make my words fit the form (i.e. thesis statements, etc, etc).
Science- I can’t really do this one because of the labs. I doubt they even offer any online science classes for that very reason. But I love science more than anything which is why Physics is my major! ^_^
Psychology- This is pretty much my only option. I mean sure there are a slew of electives but I’m going to wait to take those when I transfer to a four year school (I was initially planning on going to DU but they don’t accept financial aid. So I’ve decided on CU Boulder. Boulder = gross. I don’t care for the riots surrounding football).
I still have to take the computer placement tests which are what I was trying hard to avoid because they want $10 a test and there are three of them. Money definitely doesn’t grow like the Creature’s finger nails. I’m just going to have to buckle down and budget better (even more so than I already am).
A friend of mine here at work, lets call him Mike, has been really withdrawn lately. The click of girls he talks to are becoming increasingly worried about his constantly changing moods. He is going through a nasty custody battle with The Bitch from Hell so I imagine that it has something to do with that. Problem is, he normally talks to us about it but recently he has completely shut himself off from us. I can’t think of how hard and scary it would be to have to try to work your problems out on your own. I need to talk things out with friends, and then go through the motions of finding the best possible solution. Two minds are definitely better than one with regards to those kinds of things. But he just won’t open up. I even sent him a text last night which I thought he might find funny. He and I are very much a like and we share the same exact sense of humor. I find the word “slit” absolutely disgusting so I sent him a quick message about it. I started it off by saying, “This is really random but…”. His response to my hilarity? “Very random”. Wow way to put forth effort on that one! It’s just not like him to send such a dry, boring response. I don’t know what to do to get him to talk. I guess we’ll all just have to wait until he’s ready.
Day Seven of the break up is going ok. I haven’t cried at all today. I almost re-thought yesterday’s post, the one that has the list of all of the things that I hate about him. I felt that I may have been too harsh. Then I remembered that no one reads this thing and even if they do, they should understand that everything that was said, even though true, was out of anger. I’m hurt damn it! My ego is bruised and my heart has been crushed. What else should I do? Sit here and cry my little eyes out? No. I refuse to be weak. Well I guess attacking someone in such a fashion is still weak but in a different way. To be honest I still have strong feelings for him and the rejection that I’m getting is pretty hurtful. On another note, I am tempted to send him an email saying that I won’t be reading his blog. I would hate to prevent him from spilling his guts if he needs to. But I know he won’t do it if he thinks I’m reading. But maybe I won’t. Maybe I’ll just leave it.
My dad was over at my house today to let the cable dude in. Yay I have cable!!! ^_^ Apparently he cleaned my carpets and washed my baseboards and stuff. I wanted to ask him if he suddenly turned into my mom. Those are totally things she would do. I have to admit that it is really nice having parents around. They are always there to pick you up when you crash and burn. Even if you think they hate you. I’ve had this weird thought in my head that my dad is ashamed of me and the choices I’ve made which is a big reason as to why I want to graduate from college. But I also want to do that for myself.
**Final Thought**
Ryan the Temp is hot.
Math- absolutely not. The Asshole was going to help me but now that he’s out of the picture I’m kind of stuck. I like math, but it’s hard for me to get on the first try. I need someone to re-explain it to me in a way that makes sense and Dan was so good at that… but whatever. I’ll probably have to break down and get a tutor or something.
English- Oh man I am going to try my hardest to put this off. I love English! I love writing! I LOVE reading! But there is nothing that I hate more than being told how to write. It’s difficult because then the rules and regulations seep over into my personal writing which then becomes non- existent because I can’t make my words fit the form (i.e. thesis statements, etc, etc).
Science- I can’t really do this one because of the labs. I doubt they even offer any online science classes for that very reason. But I love science more than anything which is why Physics is my major! ^_^
Psychology- This is pretty much my only option. I mean sure there are a slew of electives but I’m going to wait to take those when I transfer to a four year school (I was initially planning on going to DU but they don’t accept financial aid. So I’ve decided on CU Boulder. Boulder = gross. I don’t care for the riots surrounding football).
I still have to take the computer placement tests which are what I was trying hard to avoid because they want $10 a test and there are three of them. Money definitely doesn’t grow like the Creature’s finger nails. I’m just going to have to buckle down and budget better (even more so than I already am).
A friend of mine here at work, lets call him Mike, has been really withdrawn lately. The click of girls he talks to are becoming increasingly worried about his constantly changing moods. He is going through a nasty custody battle with The Bitch from Hell so I imagine that it has something to do with that. Problem is, he normally talks to us about it but recently he has completely shut himself off from us. I can’t think of how hard and scary it would be to have to try to work your problems out on your own. I need to talk things out with friends, and then go through the motions of finding the best possible solution. Two minds are definitely better than one with regards to those kinds of things. But he just won’t open up. I even sent him a text last night which I thought he might find funny. He and I are very much a like and we share the same exact sense of humor. I find the word “slit” absolutely disgusting so I sent him a quick message about it. I started it off by saying, “This is really random but…”. His response to my hilarity? “Very random”. Wow way to put forth effort on that one! It’s just not like him to send such a dry, boring response. I don’t know what to do to get him to talk. I guess we’ll all just have to wait until he’s ready.
Day Seven of the break up is going ok. I haven’t cried at all today. I almost re-thought yesterday’s post, the one that has the list of all of the things that I hate about him. I felt that I may have been too harsh. Then I remembered that no one reads this thing and even if they do, they should understand that everything that was said, even though true, was out of anger. I’m hurt damn it! My ego is bruised and my heart has been crushed. What else should I do? Sit here and cry my little eyes out? No. I refuse to be weak. Well I guess attacking someone in such a fashion is still weak but in a different way. To be honest I still have strong feelings for him and the rejection that I’m getting is pretty hurtful. On another note, I am tempted to send him an email saying that I won’t be reading his blog. I would hate to prevent him from spilling his guts if he needs to. But I know he won’t do it if he thinks I’m reading. But maybe I won’t. Maybe I’ll just leave it.
My dad was over at my house today to let the cable dude in. Yay I have cable!!! ^_^ Apparently he cleaned my carpets and washed my baseboards and stuff. I wanted to ask him if he suddenly turned into my mom. Those are totally things she would do. I have to admit that it is really nice having parents around. They are always there to pick you up when you crash and burn. Even if you think they hate you. I’ve had this weird thought in my head that my dad is ashamed of me and the choices I’ve made which is a big reason as to why I want to graduate from college. But I also want to do that for myself.
**Final Thought**
Ryan the Temp is hot.
Wednesday, May 9, 2007
No new news
In an effort to expedite this day, I decided to write a blog. I can't think of anything relevant to say at the moment.
The Creature returned to work today. Same old shit though. Still stinks, still has the longer- than- any- woman- I’ve- ever- seen finger nails. Still has the hair. There is a good part of me that wishes so much that I could take a picture of him. The other part of me feels like he might steal my soul if I do.
My dad came over last night. This was the first time I’ve seen him in well over nine months. He seemed a bit fucked up, but that’s ok, I was fucked up too. We talked about the shows they have on cable tv now. We also talked about the Asshole.
My dad’s perspective on the shenanigans from Thursday night:
TF: “I understand where you’re coming from but I also see his side. He wanted to finish his project.”
JF: “I know that. That’s fine. But why couldn’t he have given me a warning like, ‘ Dude I’m going to be working on some stuff so maybe we should hang out later or bring a book?’ I know that I over-reacted. But I think that’s because he frustrates me so bad. He doesn’t seem like he’s interested in me.”
TF: “I always re-evaluate my relationships 90 days in. If we’re still dating because the sex is good but everything else sucks, then there’s no reason to go on. A woman I took on a date once said, ‘My toaster has a longer warranty.’”
He was empathetic. I actually saw more emotion come out of him than I have in a long time. I feel bad comparing him to the Asshole, and vice versa. My dad has feelings where as the Asshole has none.
**Final Thought**
To kick this “break- up hangover”, I’m going to start hanging out with my guy friends again.
The Creature returned to work today. Same old shit though. Still stinks, still has the longer- than- any- woman- I’ve- ever- seen finger nails. Still has the hair. There is a good part of me that wishes so much that I could take a picture of him. The other part of me feels like he might steal my soul if I do.
My dad came over last night. This was the first time I’ve seen him in well over nine months. He seemed a bit fucked up, but that’s ok, I was fucked up too. We talked about the shows they have on cable tv now. We also talked about the Asshole.
My dad’s perspective on the shenanigans from Thursday night:
TF: “I understand where you’re coming from but I also see his side. He wanted to finish his project.”
JF: “I know that. That’s fine. But why couldn’t he have given me a warning like, ‘ Dude I’m going to be working on some stuff so maybe we should hang out later or bring a book?’ I know that I over-reacted. But I think that’s because he frustrates me so bad. He doesn’t seem like he’s interested in me.”
TF: “I always re-evaluate my relationships 90 days in. If we’re still dating because the sex is good but everything else sucks, then there’s no reason to go on. A woman I took on a date once said, ‘My toaster has a longer warranty.’”
He was empathetic. I actually saw more emotion come out of him than I have in a long time. I feel bad comparing him to the Asshole, and vice versa. My dad has feelings where as the Asshole has none.
**Final Thought**
To kick this “break- up hangover”, I’m going to start hanging out with my guy friends again.
You always left me satisfied and smiling.
“I broke up with you online?!?!?” Why yes, yes you did. An “I don’t know” response to this question: “Are you going to break up with me” makes it very apparent what you intend to do. Any uncertainty, any hesitance is a clear sign that you no longer want me. Yes you broke up with me in an email. No I don’t care about the conversation you posted on your blog. It was obvious what it was after you deleted it.
He admitted to not wanting me. I knew it. I could feel it towards the end. He stopped saying that he was mine. He stopped looking in my eyes. It was clear. I think that is probably the most hurtful. Not being wanted. Especially when you want someone so much that you can feel it; it courses through your veins and resounds in the pit of your stomach. Your bones ache for them, your flesh crawls for them. If only he could be like him... If only I was something that someone wanted. If only I was good enough.
I honestly can’t say that I’m feeling better. As a matter of fact, I think I’m feeling worse. Talking to him didn’t help, it was only the salt needed to keep these wounds reminding. A reminder of equating to some girl, some girl he knew from high school, some girl they know who isn’t right.
I love music. It has a way of articulating my feelings; feelings I know I have and those I can’t quite put my finger on. I listened to a Bonnie “Prince” Billy song this morning that reminded me of him. When we first began seeing each other I tied him up in it. “And the softest lips ever, twenty five years I’ve been waiting to kiss them, smiling and waiting, to bend down and kiss twice, the softest lips.” I ended up crying off all of my strategically placed make- up. I was late for work.
Lastly, I was advised that guys, regardless of who ends the relationship, always put the blame on the girl. His pointing finger is a circular reference you know.
If I’m not right for you, who will I fit with in the end
When the path darkens and no one’s around
Laying still in coldness, searching for warmth
Only to find blankets bunched
No responses to my questions
Just my own voice echoes
Staring into eyes across the room
Aren’t yours or anyone that I can hold
Just distant ones from times before
Before the last breath is breathed
Before the last sight is seen
Before the last heart beats
Perhaps that bed is just a premonition
For a place I’m destined to lay
A place I’m forced to stay
Where there is no light
No life from outside
Re-circulated air
Re- circulated thoughts
Dreams of being something to someone
Anyone
And before the last breath is breathed
Before the last sight is seen
Before the last heart beats
I am engulfed
And for a moment
There is peace where sadness once was
Love in place of hatred for mistakes
I am something for someone.
I was told to make a list of all of the things I hate about him and read it as frequently as possible. Here goes…
I hate how you try to make yourself look good by talking about things other people don’t know about.
I hate how you clearly think you’re better than most people.
I hate how everyone always tells you how smart and beautiful you are when you’re so undeserving of such praise. Compliments like those are meant for people who appreciate them. They are meant for people who need to hear them. You need neither. Your head (that lump a few feet above your ass) is big enough as it is.
I hate how you use words that I don’t know.
I hate how you flip everything back around on me.
I hate you avoid taking responsibility at all costs.
I hate how you don’t take suggestions or advice.
I hate that you keep secrets.
I hate the fact that you have absolutely no feelings what so ever—on that note: How does it feel to be completely emotionally inept? Wait you wouldn’t know what it’s like to feel, would you? I mean that is a HUGE area to be lacking in. Oh wait, I can think of another area, equally as important, that you are lacking in....
I hate that I never seemed good enough to care about.
I hate that you treat your friends better than me; I should be treated with AT LEAST the same amount of respect as they are.
I hate that I’m reminded of you; by songs, by Ryan, by nothing in particular at all.
I hate that you lead me on by saying things like, “when we get married, I’ll help pay off your student loans.”
I hate that you refuse to shop at Wal-Mart but you’ll wear Nikes which were made in sweat shops by little kids.
I hate how you would say, “You want to go to Burger King? So we can get you a crown? Because you’re such a drama queen…” when I didn’t even do anything dramatic.
I hate how I was so open minded for you and it doesn’t seem to matter.
I hate that I spent so much time trying to fix the way I am for you.
I hate that every time I got angry, I minimized it so you wouldn’t have to feel the real wrath of myself.
I hate that every nice thing I did for you seemed to go unnoticed.
I hate how I spent money on you when I had no money; and it’s not that I felt like I had to, but because I wanted to; and you never seemed to be grateful.
I hate how you said you would never lend me money, even if I was in a bind like being evicted.
I hate all of the empty promises that were made.
I hate that you never chased after me.
I hate that you made me fall for you.
I hate that right now, this very moment, you are making me hate myself.
I hate so much about the way that you chose to be. *
*This is a quote from the Office, season two, "Sexual Harassment"
He admitted to not wanting me. I knew it. I could feel it towards the end. He stopped saying that he was mine. He stopped looking in my eyes. It was clear. I think that is probably the most hurtful. Not being wanted. Especially when you want someone so much that you can feel it; it courses through your veins and resounds in the pit of your stomach. Your bones ache for them, your flesh crawls for them. If only he could be like him... If only I was something that someone wanted. If only I was good enough.
I honestly can’t say that I’m feeling better. As a matter of fact, I think I’m feeling worse. Talking to him didn’t help, it was only the salt needed to keep these wounds reminding. A reminder of equating to some girl, some girl he knew from high school, some girl they know who isn’t right.
I love music. It has a way of articulating my feelings; feelings I know I have and those I can’t quite put my finger on. I listened to a Bonnie “Prince” Billy song this morning that reminded me of him. When we first began seeing each other I tied him up in it. “And the softest lips ever, twenty five years I’ve been waiting to kiss them, smiling and waiting, to bend down and kiss twice, the softest lips.” I ended up crying off all of my strategically placed make- up. I was late for work.
Lastly, I was advised that guys, regardless of who ends the relationship, always put the blame on the girl. His pointing finger is a circular reference you know.
If I’m not right for you, who will I fit with in the end
When the path darkens and no one’s around
Laying still in coldness, searching for warmth
Only to find blankets bunched
No responses to my questions
Just my own voice echoes
Staring into eyes across the room
Aren’t yours or anyone that I can hold
Just distant ones from times before
Before the last breath is breathed
Before the last sight is seen
Before the last heart beats
Perhaps that bed is just a premonition
For a place I’m destined to lay
A place I’m forced to stay
Where there is no light
No life from outside
Re-circulated air
Re- circulated thoughts
Dreams of being something to someone
Anyone
And before the last breath is breathed
Before the last sight is seen
Before the last heart beats
I am engulfed
And for a moment
There is peace where sadness once was
Love in place of hatred for mistakes
I am something for someone.
I was told to make a list of all of the things I hate about him and read it as frequently as possible. Here goes…
I hate how you try to make yourself look good by talking about things other people don’t know about.
I hate how you clearly think you’re better than most people.
I hate how everyone always tells you how smart and beautiful you are when you’re so undeserving of such praise. Compliments like those are meant for people who appreciate them. They are meant for people who need to hear them. You need neither. Your head (that lump a few feet above your ass) is big enough as it is.
I hate how you use words that I don’t know.
I hate how you flip everything back around on me.
I hate you avoid taking responsibility at all costs.
I hate how you don’t take suggestions or advice.
I hate that you keep secrets.
I hate the fact that you have absolutely no feelings what so ever—on that note: How does it feel to be completely emotionally inept? Wait you wouldn’t know what it’s like to feel, would you? I mean that is a HUGE area to be lacking in. Oh wait, I can think of another area, equally as important, that you are lacking in....
I hate that I never seemed good enough to care about.
I hate that you treat your friends better than me; I should be treated with AT LEAST the same amount of respect as they are.
I hate that I’m reminded of you; by songs, by Ryan, by nothing in particular at all.
I hate that you lead me on by saying things like, “when we get married, I’ll help pay off your student loans.”
I hate that you refuse to shop at Wal-Mart but you’ll wear Nikes which were made in sweat shops by little kids.
I hate how you would say, “You want to go to Burger King? So we can get you a crown? Because you’re such a drama queen…” when I didn’t even do anything dramatic.
I hate how I was so open minded for you and it doesn’t seem to matter.
I hate that I spent so much time trying to fix the way I am for you.
I hate that every time I got angry, I minimized it so you wouldn’t have to feel the real wrath of myself.
I hate that every nice thing I did for you seemed to go unnoticed.
I hate how I spent money on you when I had no money; and it’s not that I felt like I had to, but because I wanted to; and you never seemed to be grateful.
I hate how you said you would never lend me money, even if I was in a bind like being evicted.
I hate all of the empty promises that were made.
I hate that you never chased after me.
I hate that you made me fall for you.
I hate that right now, this very moment, you are making me hate myself.
I hate so much about the way that you chose to be. *
*This is a quote from the Office, season two, "Sexual Harassment"
Tuesday, May 8, 2007
Get 'em!!!!-- that's what she said!
My day is ending really well. Something that made me laugh really hard was:
I went back to the Asshole's blog (you know the one who dumped me through email? may as well have just written it on a fucking post it note like Carry Bradshaw and Burger) and he first changed the subject of his blog to include the very descriptive, very opperative word "conversation". Nice one dip shit. I go back hours later (yes I realize this makes me look terribly pathetic but I was dumped! Through email! Three days ago! What do you expect? If it's rationalization and evaluation of the situation you're hoping for, don't hold your fucking breath-- F bomb just for Ryan) and most of the entire body of the blog was deleted. Brilliant fuck face! Absolutely brilliant.
**Final Thought**
Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
I went back to the Asshole's blog (you know the one who dumped me through email? may as well have just written it on a fucking post it note like Carry Bradshaw and Burger) and he first changed the subject of his blog to include the very descriptive, very opperative word "conversation". Nice one dip shit. I go back hours later (yes I realize this makes me look terribly pathetic but I was dumped! Through email! Three days ago! What do you expect? If it's rationalization and evaluation of the situation you're hoping for, don't hold your fucking breath-- F bomb just for Ryan) and most of the entire body of the blog was deleted. Brilliant fuck face! Absolutely brilliant.
**Final Thought**
Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
I'm leaving this place, there's nothing I'm taking with me, just you
So I made the mistake of going onto the Asshole’s blog today. I have to say that it’s a damn good thing they blocked Myspace from my work otherwise I would have checked that too. But according to his blog, he deleted his profile from Myspace. I kind of wonder why. Anyway, I found what appears to be a conversation between him and someone else. The part that I found most offensive was this little bit:
“If I know I am better than my girlfriend, it will hurt me.
So, because she is not as good, I have to limit my strengths because she doesn't get them
so, I end up feeling not like myself
and I like myself, so to feel not myself, is horrible”
I talked to Ryan the Temp (since he’s best friends with said Asshole) and apparently, the conversation was between the Asshole and one of the Asshole’s friends (who is a female). According to Ryan the Temp, the girl is having issues with her boyfriend and the response above was from the Asshole. My question is why would someone publish a conversation where they are giving relationship advice. Answer: Because the Asshole wants everyone to think that he’s so fucking great, so smart and appears to have his shit together. Ha! Secondly, I can’t believe that he of all people would be so presumptuous as to give advice when A) he doesn’t know how to take advice and B) the kid knows nothing about relationships to begin with.
I often find myself wondering what past relationships have been like for him and for others that I’ve dated. I wonder if I’m the only girl who behaves this way and I can’t help but tell myself that yes I am really crazy. After asking several of my girlfriends, they always tell me that they do and say the very same things. So they’ve basically just given me a “Get- out- of- acting- rational free card”. In turn, I continue these behaviors but end up angry and alone in the end.
After lots of self- examination, which I do all of the time, I have come to realize that every single issue I have, whether it’s with the Asshole or whatever, stems from my low self esteem. The problem is fixing that. I could be so many things, accomplish so much, but I just can’t. I just can’t view myself as an individual with limitless potential. [it should be noted that I just got off of the phone with my father and he said the same thing as Ryan the Temp… you’ll see in a bit].
So I’m going to try something new. I’m going to start getting excited anytime I do something. Anything. Even if I just wake up in the morning and I manage to get myself out of bed, I will be excited. I will be proud of myself and say, “Look at you Beautiful, look at you little miss smarty pants, just look at you”. And hopefully I’ll be so overcome by myself that perhaps I will gain even the tiniest bit of confidence. This is my hope.
Now back to the Asshole. To him I want to say:
Regardless of what you think; of what you tell yourself when you’re alone or what you lead others to believe; you are not perfect. In fact, you are even less perfect than I am. What separates is us is each other. What differenciates us is your lack of everything needed to be in a successful relationship. And a few key components needed to be considered a human being. Your complete lack of respect for me and my feelings (i.e. you breaking up with me through an email) speaks volumes of you. It says more about you than you ever bothered or wanted to tell me. You can turn your cold shoulder and keep your little secrets, you can refuse to tell me things and you can make my reactions to your shitty behaviors the reason why you want to dump me. But the most important thing you must keep in mind, is that my bad attitudes are a result of the things you lack. If I had to leave you with any piece of knowledge, I would leave you with something that I am confident that I know. I know women. I know girls. I know what we want; what we want to feel, what we want you to feel, how we need to be viewed, how we need to be treated; and what you’re offering at the moment is something to scoff at. I am insulted at the minimal amount of yourself you gave to me. I am ashamed that I stuck it out for someone who clearly would have disposed of me at any moment. I am saddened that you can’t treat me with at least a little respect and let me have my animes. You know me. You know who I am, Dan. I am Jennifer Lynn Fassler. I live, I breathe, I cry (a lot sometimes), I feel, I sleep, I eat, I love, I dream, I listen, I am here. I am here. I am here. Don’t turn away like you never knew me, don’t treat me like Cory did. You don’t have the right to do that. You don’t have even a shred of a right. My point is I want those damn animes! If you insist on depriving me of you, the least you could do is let me have those. That’s the least you could do.
From Ryan the Temp, who made my day:
me: really?
she's lucky
I wish I was her
Ryan: why
i'm glad you aren't
i like you the way you are already
me: oh Ryan
thank you
thats so nice to hear
Ryan: i'm serious
me: well thank you
that's awfully nice of you to say
you always make me smile
like really big!
Ryan: i'm not trying to be nice
i am always confused that you aren't cocky
hot girls are always cocky
me: I don't think I could ever be that way
I don't think I'm any better than anyone else
Ryan: even though you are?
me: But I'm really not
Ryan: no, you really are
me: not in my mind
Ryan: exactly
thats what confuses me
me: but that's ok if you think so
Ryan: you could totally be the bitchy hot chick if you wanted
not the bad kind
the sassy kind
bitchy was the wrong word
Just him saying he likes me the way I am was probably the most meaningful, nicest thing I’ve been told in several years. There were times when I wished the Asshole was more like Ryan. Is that wrong? Probably but I couldn’t help it. Ryan is such an amazing person, seriously, when I say this you must believe it, anyone who knows him is fortunate. I wish there were better words I could use to describe his genuine kindness. He makes me feel like I am worth it. Like I can do whatever I want and do it well. No one has that kind of faith in me anymore. The Asshole never had that. At least he never said it with any kind of conviction. More like a passing phrase muttered to someone in the hall. A “Good Morning, how are you” kind of a thing. Anyway, I hope that Ryan the Temp’s girlfriend is grateful. She is one of the only women I know with a man worth the time. A man worth any of her tears, any of her pain, any of her love.
**Final thought**
Death may come invisible, or in the holy wall of fire
You rest between the markers, on some black highway mile
From the madness of the government, to the vengeance of the sea
Everything is eclipsed, by the shape of destiny
So love me now.
[help is coming]
You kiss my mouth.
[help is here]
“If I know I am better than my girlfriend, it will hurt me.
So, because she is not as good, I have to limit my strengths because she doesn't get them
so, I end up feeling not like myself
and I like myself, so to feel not myself, is horrible”
I talked to Ryan the Temp (since he’s best friends with said Asshole) and apparently, the conversation was between the Asshole and one of the Asshole’s friends (who is a female). According to Ryan the Temp, the girl is having issues with her boyfriend and the response above was from the Asshole. My question is why would someone publish a conversation where they are giving relationship advice. Answer: Because the Asshole wants everyone to think that he’s so fucking great, so smart and appears to have his shit together. Ha! Secondly, I can’t believe that he of all people would be so presumptuous as to give advice when A) he doesn’t know how to take advice and B) the kid knows nothing about relationships to begin with.
I often find myself wondering what past relationships have been like for him and for others that I’ve dated. I wonder if I’m the only girl who behaves this way and I can’t help but tell myself that yes I am really crazy. After asking several of my girlfriends, they always tell me that they do and say the very same things. So they’ve basically just given me a “Get- out- of- acting- rational free card”. In turn, I continue these behaviors but end up angry and alone in the end.
After lots of self- examination, which I do all of the time, I have come to realize that every single issue I have, whether it’s with the Asshole or whatever, stems from my low self esteem. The problem is fixing that. I could be so many things, accomplish so much, but I just can’t. I just can’t view myself as an individual with limitless potential. [it should be noted that I just got off of the phone with my father and he said the same thing as Ryan the Temp… you’ll see in a bit].
So I’m going to try something new. I’m going to start getting excited anytime I do something. Anything. Even if I just wake up in the morning and I manage to get myself out of bed, I will be excited. I will be proud of myself and say, “Look at you Beautiful, look at you little miss smarty pants, just look at you”. And hopefully I’ll be so overcome by myself that perhaps I will gain even the tiniest bit of confidence. This is my hope.
Now back to the Asshole. To him I want to say:
Regardless of what you think; of what you tell yourself when you’re alone or what you lead others to believe; you are not perfect. In fact, you are even less perfect than I am. What separates is us is each other. What differenciates us is your lack of everything needed to be in a successful relationship. And a few key components needed to be considered a human being. Your complete lack of respect for me and my feelings (i.e. you breaking up with me through an email) speaks volumes of you. It says more about you than you ever bothered or wanted to tell me. You can turn your cold shoulder and keep your little secrets, you can refuse to tell me things and you can make my reactions to your shitty behaviors the reason why you want to dump me. But the most important thing you must keep in mind, is that my bad attitudes are a result of the things you lack. If I had to leave you with any piece of knowledge, I would leave you with something that I am confident that I know. I know women. I know girls. I know what we want; what we want to feel, what we want you to feel, how we need to be viewed, how we need to be treated; and what you’re offering at the moment is something to scoff at. I am insulted at the minimal amount of yourself you gave to me. I am ashamed that I stuck it out for someone who clearly would have disposed of me at any moment. I am saddened that you can’t treat me with at least a little respect and let me have my animes. You know me. You know who I am, Dan. I am Jennifer Lynn Fassler. I live, I breathe, I cry (a lot sometimes), I feel, I sleep, I eat, I love, I dream, I listen, I am here. I am here. I am here. Don’t turn away like you never knew me, don’t treat me like Cory did. You don’t have the right to do that. You don’t have even a shred of a right. My point is I want those damn animes! If you insist on depriving me of you, the least you could do is let me have those. That’s the least you could do.
From Ryan the Temp, who made my day:
me: really?
she's lucky
I wish I was her
Ryan: why
i'm glad you aren't
i like you the way you are already
me: oh Ryan
thank you
thats so nice to hear
Ryan: i'm serious
me: well thank you
that's awfully nice of you to say
you always make me smile
like really big!
Ryan: i'm not trying to be nice
i am always confused that you aren't cocky
hot girls are always cocky
me: I don't think I could ever be that way
I don't think I'm any better than anyone else
Ryan: even though you are?
me: But I'm really not
Ryan: no, you really are
me: not in my mind
Ryan: exactly
thats what confuses me
me: but that's ok if you think so
Ryan: you could totally be the bitchy hot chick if you wanted
not the bad kind
the sassy kind
bitchy was the wrong word
Just him saying he likes me the way I am was probably the most meaningful, nicest thing I’ve been told in several years. There were times when I wished the Asshole was more like Ryan. Is that wrong? Probably but I couldn’t help it. Ryan is such an amazing person, seriously, when I say this you must believe it, anyone who knows him is fortunate. I wish there were better words I could use to describe his genuine kindness. He makes me feel like I am worth it. Like I can do whatever I want and do it well. No one has that kind of faith in me anymore. The Asshole never had that. At least he never said it with any kind of conviction. More like a passing phrase muttered to someone in the hall. A “Good Morning, how are you” kind of a thing. Anyway, I hope that Ryan the Temp’s girlfriend is grateful. She is one of the only women I know with a man worth the time. A man worth any of her tears, any of her pain, any of her love.
**Final thought**
Death may come invisible, or in the holy wall of fire
You rest between the markers, on some black highway mile
From the madness of the government, to the vengeance of the sea
Everything is eclipsed, by the shape of destiny
So love me now.
[help is coming]
You kiss my mouth.
[help is here]
Saturday, May 5, 2007
"So love me now. Help is coming. You kissed my mouth. Help is here."
It finally happened. He broke up with me. I'm devestated.
Thursday, May 3, 2007
If it looks like a grape and it smells like a grape, then it must be a Jolly Rancher
I haven't been running in a while. A friend of mine, let's call him Mark, said something about how I change myself to fit this image of what I think guys will want. This statement can be true, but is inaccurate in it's present context. At any rate I've been second guessing every decision I've made since I started seeing Dan. From running to going to school to changing my clothes and hair, everything must be re-examined. Do I run for my self? The answer seems obvious but it's not. Am I running to better myself for me, or better myself for Dan? Am I cutting my hair for me? Or is this yet another attempt to gain his attention? While we're on the subject, I'd like to know what I have to do to get him to care about me? I told him yesterday that I was awfully stressed. I told him three times. Not once did he ask what about. I know he's not supposed to be a mind reader but has he ever heard of empathy? Better yet, has this guy ever even been in a relationship? Of course he has. Which brings me to my next question, is it just me, or do other girls have to deal with him not caring? The question then becomes is he worth it? At this point in time, at the rate we're going, I have to say yes. There is something there, something that no one else has been able to offer me. I can't pinpoint exactly what it is but all of these silly little things I get upset over seem so futile in comparison. Am I good for him? Probably not. I doubt very much that the thought of me being "the one" has ever crossed his mind. I presume he's looking for some chick in grad school, who skis, who can carry on an intelligent conversation with he and his smarter- than- you'll- ever- hope- to- be- friends. Pretty much the exact opposite of dear sweet Jen.
In other news, The Creature continues to haunt the office. I asked Ryan the Temp if he still smelled an at that time, which was around ten in the morning, he said no. But after a few hours alone in there with him, he came back to say that in fact, The Creature still smells. Did I mention this dude is married? I can't imagine any self respecting woman condoning the god awful length of those nails. I just can't. So I've chalked it up to him being married to a bear. It doesn't matter what kind, probably Grizzly or Black, but really, nothing within my species would ever take a vow to love and hold him, for better or worse [hair days] blah blah blah.
Nicole (my "cave" mate) and I were laughing terribly hard today. I've been watching a lot of the Office (season two)lately and I can't help but say, "That's what she said" after almost everything that anyone says! It's such a good time. Anyway, today Nicole is putting on her antibacterial stuff and some of it falls on the floor. So she says, "Oh man that was slippery. So slippery in fact it just slipped out!" She set it up perfectly for me! What else was I to do? I couldn't resist and she knew it. "That's what she said."
**Final Thought**
Grape Jolly Ranchers don't taste like grapes. In fact, they don't even smell like a real grape. Have you ever noticed how they do that. Same with apple. But I'm on to them!!!!
In other news, The Creature continues to haunt the office. I asked Ryan the Temp if he still smelled an at that time, which was around ten in the morning, he said no. But after a few hours alone in there with him, he came back to say that in fact, The Creature still smells. Did I mention this dude is married? I can't imagine any self respecting woman condoning the god awful length of those nails. I just can't. So I've chalked it up to him being married to a bear. It doesn't matter what kind, probably Grizzly or Black, but really, nothing within my species would ever take a vow to love and hold him, for better or worse [hair days] blah blah blah.
Nicole (my "cave" mate) and I were laughing terribly hard today. I've been watching a lot of the Office (season two)lately and I can't help but say, "That's what she said" after almost everything that anyone says! It's such a good time. Anyway, today Nicole is putting on her antibacterial stuff and some of it falls on the floor. So she says, "Oh man that was slippery. So slippery in fact it just slipped out!" She set it up perfectly for me! What else was I to do? I couldn't resist and she knew it. "That's what she said."
**Final Thought**
Grape Jolly Ranchers don't taste like grapes. In fact, they don't even smell like a real grape. Have you ever noticed how they do that. Same with apple. But I'm on to them!!!!
Wednesday, May 2, 2007
Nails on a chalk board
There is a guy here at work who has the longest fingernails I have ever seen on a man. In addition to those horrendous things, he has extremely long, curly hair which he pulls back into a braid or one of those pony tails that has like ten pony tail holders in it. My friends and I fondly refer to this as a "Pullet" [pullet originated from a mullet which is pulled back into a pony tail but then took on a life of it's own after this guy started working here]. My work is cheap so they've crammed two people into one office. The Creature (that's the dude with the nails and hair) sits in an office with one of my friends, let's call him Ryan the Temp. So Ryan the Temp will send me hilarious emails about how he is going to hang himself because The Creature won't shut up, or The Creature is listening to Evanescence. One of the most recent emails was in regards to the odor which permeates everything it comes into contact with. The Creature's odor isn't B.O. or the smell of farts or anything. Its just a very dirty smell. Like he went and hung out with a bunch of pigs before he came into work. It's awful. God awful as a matter of fact. Ryan the Temp complained today that he is getting a headache because of it. Something I feel I should point out: I know this makes me appear very judgemental, which I am, don't get me wrong, but it needs to be noted that I gave this guy a chance. I've learned, since I left high school, that it doesn't matter what people look like on the outside, it's what is on the inside that counts. So he and I used to talk about anime (which I LOVE) and science and all kinds of fun stuff until he told my boss that I said she was incompetent. In turn, she advised him to report me to Human Resources, which he did. I feel that it is only fair that I talk shit about him. I mean seriously, you can't stab someone in the back and expect it to go unnoticed. Additionally, you can't walk around with two inch finger nails and expect people not to talk. We work in an office for Christ's Sake! Where you have to dress up every day. And why my boss hasn't said anything to him about those things is beyond me. Perhaps she likes them. Perhaps they swapped stories about hang nails and broken nails. Perhaps he shared his nail growing secret with her and now she is forever indebted to him. I don't know, but it's gross. Ok so back to bashing him. Every time I go into their office to talk to Ryan the Temp, The Creature takes his headphones off (yes we're allowed to listen to music here) so he can listen in on our conversation. I have even gone as far as bitching extensively about my boyfriend and he still listens! What kind of dude would be into that? Weird. So I think the next time I go in there, I'm going to start talking about menstrual blood or something. Although Ryan the Temp probably wouldn't be very happy about that.
Some of the funny things Ryan the Temp says:
"It smells so effing bad in here. I can't handle it."
"I might have to move permanently. You should seriously come in here and do the nostril thing. I can tell when he's gotten up and left even when I'm not looking and have headphones on. "
"DUDE, this stench is for real giving me a headache. Maybe that is why my plant is dying. "
"My office should be sponsored by yankee candle."
He said something yesterday about bleeding on the inside. That made me LOL. The nostril thing he's referring to is when you enter their office, the smell is really strong in your right nostril. Sure you can smell it in both, but you can tell a difference. I used to think the smell was a combination of The Creature and Ryan the Temps Pants. I capitalized "pants" because we refer to them as "The Pants" because Ryan almost wore them for a month straight.
Ok, ok enough about The Creature and Ryan the Temp.
I feel kind of sick today. I am supposed to hang out with Dan this evening but I cancelled. Not sure what's going on there... do I even like him anymore? I mean it's weird because I never feel completely satisfied with him. He never likes me enough, or kisses me enough, or calls enough. Nothing is ever enough! Obviously that's a personal problem I have so I try not to bitch about such things. This relationship is either going to end well or it's going to crash and burn. I picture a flying machine plummeting to the ground, engulfed completely by fire. Either that, or a nice little wedding. I'm guessing the earlier one. But I care for him very much. I just don't think he feels the same way. And I keep waiting for him to. But he never does. And it's really having an affect on me. I am not nearly as nice as I usually am. I usually bend over backwards for dudes that I like. Not with him. Again, this is all probably just a personal thing that I need to get over. He's a wonderful person and a great boyfriend. I haven't liked anyone as much as I like him in a long time. Since the Cory days.
On another note, I'm getting ready for school. I have to get my ass in gear though. I am dying to succeed at something. Especially something as silly and simple as school! I want to feel the pressure of finals again. I want the homework and the books. I want to feel validated when I get an A or even a B.
I'll be entering some of my writing in a contest here at work. For some reason they want to help discover new artists. Every year, they make a calender which is sent out to our agents. So my writing could be displayed for an entire month in some dusty little mom and pop store! That's exciting. I haven't been writing lately though because Dan is just so good at it, I feel like I suck ass. (wow that was an eloquent sentence!) I mean I find I constantly compare myself to him and never seem to measure up... alright enough.
**Final Thought**
There should be a law prohibiting any heterosexual male from growing his fingernails beyond an inch and even that is too long.
Some of the funny things Ryan the Temp says:
"It smells so effing bad in here. I can't handle it."
"I might have to move permanently. You should seriously come in here and do the nostril thing. I can tell when he's gotten up and left even when I'm not looking and have headphones on. "
"DUDE, this stench is for real giving me a headache. Maybe that is why my plant is dying. "
"My office should be sponsored by yankee candle."
He said something yesterday about bleeding on the inside. That made me LOL. The nostril thing he's referring to is when you enter their office, the smell is really strong in your right nostril. Sure you can smell it in both, but you can tell a difference. I used to think the smell was a combination of The Creature and Ryan the Temps Pants. I capitalized "pants" because we refer to them as "The Pants" because Ryan almost wore them for a month straight.
Ok, ok enough about The Creature and Ryan the Temp.
I feel kind of sick today. I am supposed to hang out with Dan this evening but I cancelled. Not sure what's going on there... do I even like him anymore? I mean it's weird because I never feel completely satisfied with him. He never likes me enough, or kisses me enough, or calls enough. Nothing is ever enough! Obviously that's a personal problem I have so I try not to bitch about such things. This relationship is either going to end well or it's going to crash and burn. I picture a flying machine plummeting to the ground, engulfed completely by fire. Either that, or a nice little wedding. I'm guessing the earlier one. But I care for him very much. I just don't think he feels the same way. And I keep waiting for him to. But he never does. And it's really having an affect on me. I am not nearly as nice as I usually am. I usually bend over backwards for dudes that I like. Not with him. Again, this is all probably just a personal thing that I need to get over. He's a wonderful person and a great boyfriend. I haven't liked anyone as much as I like him in a long time. Since the Cory days.
On another note, I'm getting ready for school. I have to get my ass in gear though. I am dying to succeed at something. Especially something as silly and simple as school! I want to feel the pressure of finals again. I want the homework and the books. I want to feel validated when I get an A or even a B.
I'll be entering some of my writing in a contest here at work. For some reason they want to help discover new artists. Every year, they make a calender which is sent out to our agents. So my writing could be displayed for an entire month in some dusty little mom and pop store! That's exciting. I haven't been writing lately though because Dan is just so good at it, I feel like I suck ass. (wow that was an eloquent sentence!) I mean I find I constantly compare myself to him and never seem to measure up... alright enough.
**Final Thought**
There should be a law prohibiting any heterosexual male from growing his fingernails beyond an inch and even that is too long.
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