So I made the mistake of going onto the Asshole’s blog today. I have to say that it’s a damn good thing they blocked Myspace from my work otherwise I would have checked that too. But according to his blog, he deleted his profile from Myspace. I kind of wonder why. Anyway, I found what appears to be a conversation between him and someone else. The part that I found most offensive was this little bit:
“If I know I am better than my girlfriend, it will hurt me.
So, because she is not as good, I have to limit my strengths because she doesn't get them
so, I end up feeling not like myself
and I like myself, so to feel not myself, is horrible”
I talked to Ryan the Temp (since he’s best friends with said Asshole) and apparently, the conversation was between the Asshole and one of the Asshole’s friends (who is a female). According to Ryan the Temp, the girl is having issues with her boyfriend and the response above was from the Asshole. My question is why would someone publish a conversation where they are giving relationship advice. Answer: Because the Asshole wants everyone to think that he’s so fucking great, so smart and appears to have his shit together. Ha! Secondly, I can’t believe that he of all people would be so presumptuous as to give advice when A) he doesn’t know how to take advice and B) the kid knows nothing about relationships to begin with.
I often find myself wondering what past relationships have been like for him and for others that I’ve dated. I wonder if I’m the only girl who behaves this way and I can’t help but tell myself that yes I am really crazy. After asking several of my girlfriends, they always tell me that they do and say the very same things. So they’ve basically just given me a “Get- out- of- acting- rational free card”. In turn, I continue these behaviors but end up angry and alone in the end.
After lots of self- examination, which I do all of the time, I have come to realize that every single issue I have, whether it’s with the Asshole or whatever, stems from my low self esteem. The problem is fixing that. I could be so many things, accomplish so much, but I just can’t. I just can’t view myself as an individual with limitless potential. [it should be noted that I just got off of the phone with my father and he said the same thing as Ryan the Temp… you’ll see in a bit].
So I’m going to try something new. I’m going to start getting excited anytime I do something. Anything. Even if I just wake up in the morning and I manage to get myself out of bed, I will be excited. I will be proud of myself and say, “Look at you Beautiful, look at you little miss smarty pants, just look at you”. And hopefully I’ll be so overcome by myself that perhaps I will gain even the tiniest bit of confidence. This is my hope.
Now back to the Asshole. To him I want to say:
Regardless of what you think; of what you tell yourself when you’re alone or what you lead others to believe; you are not perfect. In fact, you are even less perfect than I am. What separates is us is each other. What differenciates us is your lack of everything needed to be in a successful relationship. And a few key components needed to be considered a human being. Your complete lack of respect for me and my feelings (i.e. you breaking up with me through an email) speaks volumes of you. It says more about you than you ever bothered or wanted to tell me. You can turn your cold shoulder and keep your little secrets, you can refuse to tell me things and you can make my reactions to your shitty behaviors the reason why you want to dump me. But the most important thing you must keep in mind, is that my bad attitudes are a result of the things you lack. If I had to leave you with any piece of knowledge, I would leave you with something that I am confident that I know. I know women. I know girls. I know what we want; what we want to feel, what we want you to feel, how we need to be viewed, how we need to be treated; and what you’re offering at the moment is something to scoff at. I am insulted at the minimal amount of yourself you gave to me. I am ashamed that I stuck it out for someone who clearly would have disposed of me at any moment. I am saddened that you can’t treat me with at least a little respect and let me have my animes. You know me. You know who I am, Dan. I am Jennifer Lynn Fassler. I live, I breathe, I cry (a lot sometimes), I feel, I sleep, I eat, I love, I dream, I listen, I am here. I am here. I am here. Don’t turn away like you never knew me, don’t treat me like Cory did. You don’t have the right to do that. You don’t have even a shred of a right. My point is I want those damn animes! If you insist on depriving me of you, the least you could do is let me have those. That’s the least you could do.
From Ryan the Temp, who made my day:
me: really?
she's lucky
I wish I was her
Ryan: why
i'm glad you aren't
i like you the way you are already
me: oh Ryan
thank you
thats so nice to hear
Ryan: i'm serious
me: well thank you
that's awfully nice of you to say
you always make me smile
like really big!
Ryan: i'm not trying to be nice
i am always confused that you aren't cocky
hot girls are always cocky
me: I don't think I could ever be that way
I don't think I'm any better than anyone else
Ryan: even though you are?
me: But I'm really not
Ryan: no, you really are
me: not in my mind
Ryan: exactly
thats what confuses me
me: but that's ok if you think so
Ryan: you could totally be the bitchy hot chick if you wanted
not the bad kind
the sassy kind
bitchy was the wrong word
Just him saying he likes me the way I am was probably the most meaningful, nicest thing I’ve been told in several years. There were times when I wished the Asshole was more like Ryan. Is that wrong? Probably but I couldn’t help it. Ryan is such an amazing person, seriously, when I say this you must believe it, anyone who knows him is fortunate. I wish there were better words I could use to describe his genuine kindness. He makes me feel like I am worth it. Like I can do whatever I want and do it well. No one has that kind of faith in me anymore. The Asshole never had that. At least he never said it with any kind of conviction. More like a passing phrase muttered to someone in the hall. A “Good Morning, how are you” kind of a thing. Anyway, I hope that Ryan the Temp’s girlfriend is grateful. She is one of the only women I know with a man worth the time. A man worth any of her tears, any of her pain, any of her love.
**Final thought**
Death may come invisible, or in the holy wall of fire
You rest between the markers, on some black highway mile
From the madness of the government, to the vengeance of the sea
Everything is eclipsed, by the shape of destiny
So love me now.
[help is coming]
You kiss my mouth.
[help is here]
