I can’t seem to write at all anymore. I used to write a lot; songs, poetry, short stories; but now, it’s like I’m a well that’s gone dry. I fear that I’ll never write (well) again. Every time a thought pops in my head, it pops right back out as soon as I try to focus on what words to use. I’ll come up with one great line and then I won’t be able to figure out where to go with it. This is what I get for boasting that I never get writer’s block. Stupid Jen.
Ryan the Temp left early today. He’s going to Arizona to visit his girlfriend, Erin. She’s very pretty, has great taste in clothes and shoes, and seems to be extremely sweet- almost too sweet. She always makes little goody bags for him and the Asshole and I’m Already Up (I’ll explain who he is momentarily or perhaps in my next blog). I felt like I almost had to compete with her or something because they all love her so much. Ryan’s mood today was a bit off, nothing big, but it seems like he’s either really distracted or doesn’t like me anymore. The latter is probably just paranoia. I just can’t help but envision the Asshole saying all kinds of nasty things about me to his friends. In turn, they hate me too and then I’m back at square one. I just want to be clear, I don’t hate the Asshole, just the opposite actually, which is why I’m so hurt and angry.
Speaking of him, he called me today. I wrote him an email asking for the animes. As per usual, he didn’t have enough time (or just flat out didn’t want to) read my response so he called instead. I advised him that yes my computer can play DVDs. I requested that he burn Bleach and Inuyasha for me. He said he would but wasn’t sure how long that would take. So I could basically be waiting my entire fucking life for this stuff. Fan- fucking- tastic. The thing that irritates me is that I was feeling great today! I had the best attitude, life was good, fuck guys, who needs them, you know all of that jazz. But then he has to call. And I hear in his voice that he couldn’t be happier without me. That my friends, is brutal. I wanted to cry right then and there. But of course not, no, we wouldn’t want him to know that I’m suffering. He should be under the impression that I could care less. But he knows better.
I’m Already Up is the Asshole and Ryan the Temp’s room mate. [Quick note: did I mention we all went to high school together?] I call him that because he tends to have VBAs quite often. [Another quick note: VBA= Very Bad Attitude]. Once, the Asshole told me to be quiet because IAU was sleeping. At which point I was reminded of an episode of the Simpson’s where Homer dies and goes to hell. [Tree House of Horrors- can’t remember which one, episode is called Ghost Dad]. The Devil is giving Homer a noogie and suddenly, Homer begins to scream out, as one usually does when receiving a noogie. The Devil says, “Shhh, you’ll wake up John Wayne.” Fake camera pans to a cave, out walks John Wayne. “I’m already up” he says. So that’s where the name came from. Anyway, he’s hot just like the Asshole and Ryan the Temp. A lethal combination, I hate to imagine what it’s like when they all go out together and try to pick up on ladies.
Bad thought just entered my head. The Asshole with another girl. God make this stop.
Cable is good, carpets are clean. House smells nice, looks nice. Things are going well with my dad and I. Haven’t heard from my mom, waiting for a return call. Mother’s day is on Sunday. I plan on planting flowers with her. Hopefully it works out.
I’m going to be buying a laptop from Nicole soon. I am so excited by the prospect of having free internet. Plus, it’s a Mac. But I’m a PC kinda gal. I already have a PC so I guess I’ll be a little of both.
I see this perfect girl for him and I wish it was me. So very badly.
**Final thought**I wish you really could erase chunks of your memory. Get rid of all of the unpleasant things. I don’t care what anybody says, I would have rather not loved at all.
