This weekend was definitely better than the last.
Friday- attempted to go to a co-workers celebration for her being promoted but couldn’t because Nicole isn’t 21. I took her back to her car and then went and hung out with my cousins for a bit.
Saturday- I woke up around ten; I had a long week. I got coffee and then drove downtown to go record shopping. I bought:
Bob Dylan with the Band
Janis Joplin- I Got Dem Ol' Kozmic Blues Again Mama
Neutral Milk Hotel- In the Aeroplane Over the Sea
Robert Plant- The Principal of Moments
Neil Young- Harvest Moon
And I only paid like thirty eight dollars or something, which is more than I wanted but is pretty good for five records. All of them are totally badass but Harvest Moon (the song) fucking killed me. It just reminded me of Dan and I and it brought back a bunch of feelings that had long since fallen to the way side. My heart started doing that pang thing. I’ve always wondered if guys hearts pang too???
After record shopping I went to Washington Park and wrote for a few hours. It was nice to be alone outside rather than cooped up on the couch watching cable. I got a lot of writing done which made me feel really good. I jumped in the car and went home to change for a quick run. Let me tell you, for the last fifteen minutes I sprinted, nay (god I love that word) ran as fast as I fucking could, to try to get all of the excess Dan out of my system. I was in the middle of stretching my calves when the tears hit me. They came out of no where but they weren’t bad. Just kind of odd. So I sent him a text message which consisted of ;_; He replied with D: whatever that means. I think it means he’s yelling at me??? I just left it at that. I didn’t know what to say. I mean really I just want to let everything out and say, “I realized that I really am in love with you and I want so badly to be with you. I want you to love me.” But I obviously can’t do that.
Kurt stopped by shortly after I sent the text message. He said something about me being tinier than I was before (but I’ve been at the same weight for like seven years). I won’t lie, it was good to see him. But I can tell what he’s trying to do. He’s trying to get back together with me. He invited me to go to the Rockies game yesterday but I declined. Then he told me to call into work today and we could hang out and just have fun. I don’t think so. There’s no way in hell I would get back together with him.
Kurt left after about forty five minutes and then Larissa came over.
Ecstacy. Wow. Very interesting drug. Although I have done it before, this time just seemed a bit odd. Things were fine until Ryan sent Larissa some drunk text messages. I tried not to get sad but I still did. And I wasn’t necessarily sad about Ryan, just sad about Dan. When it was time to go to sleep, we couldn’t. Our bodies were exhausted. Our eyelids were terribly heavy, but our minds just wouldn’t shut the fuck up. We woke up early and hung out all day. We didn’t do shit. She eventually went home and I just hung out all tired and fucking crazy lazy. The hang over from that shit is vicious. I woke up on Monday and decided to go for a run around Washington Park. Larissa wanted to come too so we met up around eleven and then stopped at Starbucks. I still wasn’t feeling normal, just kind of out of wack. I was still panging like a motherfucker for him. So bad that I kept going onto his website just so I could look at pictures of his smile. God his smile kills me every time. Our run was pretty good but we didn’t do much for the rest of the day. I wrote a bit but couldn’t keep my concentration. The overwhelming amount of laundry I had to do nearly killed me. I finally got most of it done and then I decided to give myself a manicure and a pedicure which both turned out sweet.
**This part is all about Dan. If you're sick of my bitching, just skip over it.**
Throughout the weekend, I kept checking Dan’s website. Moments of weakness that never leave soon enough. And I came to the conclusion that yes, I am in love with him. I see so much potential in him. And when I say potential, I’m not referring to professional success or anything. I’m meaning that he has the potential to love immensely and I wish that I brought that out in him. I wish that when he looked at me he had the same fondness that I have for him. I wish he would let me in. I know that if that happened, I wouldn’t have anything to complain about. But since I’m a girl, I know I would find something. I also wish that he didn’t feel like giving up when we fight. I suppose I’m just not worth it to him.
There are just so many things I wish right now. There certainly isn’t any harm in hoping, right?
I keep remembering times with him that I forgot about it. Almost like it’s been years since we’ve been together. And almost like we spent years together. I remember listening to this one song that he said was hard for him to listen to because it reminded him of South Africa and all of the great times he had with some very close friends. I wanted, at that moment, to crawl inside of him and make his uneasy heart easy again. I wanted him to listen to the song with a smile, not with wanting. The song, by the way, is beautiful. We had sex to it. Speaking of the sex, although it was magnificent, there was so much more there than the just the physical pleasure. I really think we had a connection, I felt like if I strayed too far from him, the chain would break. I guess I ran a little too far in the wrong direction. Everything reminds me of him again. Every thing. The smell of the air when I first go outside, the music notes that play in my mind, the ones that are waiting to be written for him. The sight of the mountains; I remember when they were covered in snow and I imagined him skiing, sloping and swooshing down the side of some enormous mountain. The sun when its sinking reminds me of the wallpaper on his Mac; him and a couple of friends playing Frisbee. When the night settles in and the only thing you can make out are street lights and sometimes stars. Every time the darkest blue creeps in like that, it reminds me of the very first night I spent at his house. All wrapped in the comfort of his bed, all wrapped up in the excitement that comes with thoughts of “could this be the one?” I could have envisioned myself marrying him a thousand times. I can still see it only now it brings sadness. And a longing that I honestly do fear will never fade. Much like that I feel for Cory. Perhaps this was my second great love. And even though it only lasted for a handful of months, it was amazing. Those moments when we would just lay in his bed and laugh. When I would make jokes and he would think I was actually funny. When he would look at me and say, “I’m yours”. If only that were true.
