1. The Creature- his constant need to remove his headphones to listen to Ryan and I converse about things that do not pertain to him drives me nuts! Also, his “know it all” attitude is wearing thin.
2. The new compliance analyst- she’s nice and all, hell I’d even say I’d go out for drinks with her just as long as she keeps her nasty paws out of the ice bucket. We had a potluck last week and instead of scooping the ice into her cup with her cup, she proceeded to stick her hands, fingers covered with falsies, into the ice and grabbed two handfuls.
3. The new Lexus commercials featuring artists like Diana Krall and Elvis Costello. Let me tell you, nothing disgusts me more than seeing some woman, eyes half opened, sitting in a car listening to a piano tune that sounds like it was made for a fucking Jiffy Pop commercial. Her Canadian accent almost sends me reeling, wanting to grab any object, blunt or sharp, to remove my ear drums. Watching Elvis Costello “jam out” to classical music is almost insulting. Elvis, please stop pretending you’re a conductor. Elvis, please stop pretending that anyone actually likes your music.
4. Randy Newman- I hate this guys fucking voice. What made me hate it was a few days locked up inside watching Toy Story over and over. Good god, someone needs to carve his vocal chords out, dangle them in front of his face while simultaneously playing his music. Mr. Newman, please witness this abomination that you have created. Your abuse of your vocal chords has forced them to be removed.
5. Dan- of course he would be on the list! How could he not be? I find it irritating that he led me to believe he was “the perfect guy”. Surprise Valentine’s Day dinners at Chipotle. Towels shoved under shirts to make me look pregnant, then looking in the mirror, with arms wrapped around me, saying, “Look at us. We look good.”
6. When I come into work and there’s no coffee. We have three, count them THREE coffee pots hanging out. Would it kill you, nay, would it be terribly inconveniencing for you to open a bag of coffee, one that is already perfectly measured, pour it into a coffee filter, and push a button that says “brew”? Is that hard? Am I like some super productive human being because I can make coffee? What the fuck is wrong with people? Oh yeah, we’re in America. Americans are horrendously lazy individuals.
7. When Ryan comes to work but doesn’t talk to me all day. Not necessarily irritating but I anxiously await any interaction with him. His hotness is such a nice distraction.
8. People who go to the bathroom in the workplace but don’t wash their hands. After taking a huge shit, I understand if when you’re at home you don’t wash your hands. You obviously don’t really care about getting Ecoli which is fine by me, hell if you’re so stupid as to not wash up after crapping, then perhaps you deserve to be tethered to the toilet for a few days. Although God knows you won’t bother to wash them after that either. But in the workplace, when I have to touch things you touch, I would prefer not to contract any kind of incurable disease because you’re too damn lazy to run some water over your fucking hands! For Christ’s sake how lazy have we become? We don’t even care about our health anymore, let alone the health of those around us. I give, what’s the secret? How much time are you saving by not messing around with pesky hand- washing? Like thirty goddamn seconds that’s what! Jebus help us all.
9. Men in general- A friend of mine (lets call her Kikki) who is pregnant (lets call baby daddy Jonathan) is going through a hell of a time with her significant other. Well I guess he’s not anything but a sperm donor at this point but we need not quibble about such things. Kikki went home after a hard day of work yesterday and decided to take a nap. When she woke up she was greeted by a barrage of text messages from Jonathan. Ranging from “Hey mama, what’s up?” to “By the way, I don’t we’re going to work out”, the texts sent her into somewhat of an emotional spiral. First off, who is so stupid as to fuck with a pregnant woman? I mean you’re just asking for your balls to be in a vice in two seconds flat. Second, just because she didn’t answer when you called, does not necessarily mean she’s fucking someone else. Third, she wouldn’t want to fuck anyone, whether it be you or some random Tom, Dick, or Harry, because she hates penises at the moment. They are responsible for her being with child. Not that she’s upset about that, I just don’t foresee her wanting a big piece of man meat inside of her anytime soon. Basically Jonathan dumped Kikki because he’s a girl. I want to ask him to drop his pants so we can make sure he still has a pair. Jonathan is very similar to Dan in the way that they paint a very appealing picture of marriage, a house, and one of those happily ever after endings. Just like Dan, Jonathan can start it but he can’t finish it. Sure it’s nice to play house, and when you can play, why would you ever actually chose to live like that? Because that’s natural progression you ass fuck! That’s what human beings are meant to do! They’re meant to procreate and raise the new ones until their fit to leave the proverbial nest. There’s nothing wrong with this and if you attempt to stray from this path, you’ll end up hairy, alone, and eating microwave dinners for the rest of your stupid little life! You have no purpose if you do not create. You have no purpose if you do not assist in the raising of said offspring. “Go forth and be prosperous” is how I think the phrase goes, so fucking go forth and take responsibility! Don’t you want your kid to have a family? Or do you want it to be raised by a single mom who can barely afford to take care of herself? Here’s a thought, why you don’t you think about these things before you take that hideous thing called a dick out of your pants?
10. Not being able to play video games when I want- I am so fucking sick of not having a gaming system. What I really want is an Xbox and a GameCube. That’s it. I really don’t think that’s a lot to ask. I mean I want to play Halo and Ninja Scrolls. I need to finish Zelda and the Windwaker.
11. Little to no anime- I was going to stop at 10 but the last one just reminded me of my lack of anime. There is some anime on On Demand; a few episodes of Samurai Champloo, a few Inuyahsas too; but some just isn’t enough god damn it!
