>:\

Jet de Conscience

Does it ever seem that every thing is almost too perfect? Like things just fall into place really quickly and you don’t notice it while it’s happening but afterward you kind of laugh and wonder why you worried about anything in the first place? I always assert that these moments prove that God exists. I know that once I start getting really heavy into science, my faith may waver, but there is a part of me that likes to think I won’t let that happen. Even the horrible things, the awful pain and devastation one can feel is for a reason. And there is a moment during those times when I know that I am feeling these things for a reason which gives me some sort of relief, if even just for a second. I think about myself a lot; I analyze every movement and breath. Every thing is given the most considerable amount of reflection before it’s allowed to happen. I spend too much time doing these things. I must learn to trust my natural reactions. There are times when I forget; when I’m most happy I’m too concerned with what’s making me happy to think about scratching my face or sniffing my nose. It only gets bad when I’m down. I think that’s when the low self esteem takes hold and I allow it, every single time. As if I have no control at all, and I wonder sometimes if that’s the real difference between men and women, that they can control themselves in certain areas and vice versa. Perhaps ours is sexual control. Theirs just happens to be emotional. Again I’m brought back to the thought of God; like he designed us to be like puzzle pieces rather when we’re singular we’re incomplete. You only become whole when you find that person that finishes you, that starts where you left off. Someone who has everything you’re lacking. Can this be reality? Is this really the way things are supposed to be? The strengths class I took at work is going to prove far more useful than originally thought. My strengths are adaptability, empathy, input, intellection, and learner. It’s actually really got me thinking. The theory is that is you try to balance out your weaknesses with your strengths. So that’s what I’m going to attempt to keep in mind. When I feel myself reacting in a ridiculous manner, I need to pull one of my strengths out to analyze from that point of view. I’m a bit skeptical so we’ll see. It also seems to be on the nature side of the nature verses nurture argument (I personally believe it’s both). Thom seems pretty convinced by it. He always teaches with such passion, it’s really quite incredible. His baby is darling. Her name is Gwen, she’s fifteen months but apparently she’s got the mind of a two year old. I’m pretty sure that’s a good thing but I don’t know much when it comes to children and babies. We went out to lunch today and he had one of those “fatherly moments”, the ones that I picture my dad having when I was small. I hope that by graduating college, I will be giving him that right again. My mother is always so proud, no matter what and I’m certain she’ll be beaming but there’s just something more about my father’s approval. Anyway, we to Chipotle and I finally tried the hot salsa. It’s delicious! I don’t know what else I would expect from Chipotle?! My goodness… Back to the class, I found that one of the supervisors and I have a lot in common. It’s kind of weird actually because he used to creep me out a little. Overall it was a great experience and seeing Thom again made me realize that he is a good person to have in your life. When I think about that the fact that I took that class only because it was suggested to me by the trainer of a class that April made me take because she was resentful towards me because I went to HR about her, it sends me into a spiral of thoughts. Do the choices I make now really influence so much? Do they cause some crazy string of events to occur? Do I actually have that much control? Will what I learn today have some relevance in the future? Am I taking psychology because that was the only class left or am I taking it for some great purpose? Am I really one of “those” people? Am I really going to start attributing every thing to God? Or worse yet, destiny? Gross.

Oh and I’m over Dan. It hit me a few days ago; we’re just not right for each other and that’s all there is to it! My God you would think I was of below average intelligence or something! I’ve actually been fucking up all over the place lately but I don’t feel like outing the idiot inside of me, so I think I’m going to finish up here.

Dylan is coming over to cook dinner for me. I wish there was a little emoticon a bit more serious for discontent. Other than your normal, garden variety douchey looking ones. This :( or this D: this stupid one :\ so on and so forth… Anyway, all this means is that I have to clean this fucking apartment. Just pick it up. But I’m lazy!!! >:\

Vous m'avez donné vers le haut. Maintenant vous payerez. Mwaaaahaaaaa!

It has been irrefutably proven that if you think positive thoughts, positive things will happen. This is the same with negative thoughts. You never actually think about how the world perceives you when you’re angry or sad, you’re so wrapped up in the feeling that it doesn’t even occur to you. Your brow is furrowed, you’re sporting an upside down smile for sure, and your shoulders are probably all slumped down much like that of the Creature. When you’re so happy you could explode, everyone notices. You’re all bouncy and shit, you’ve got that super happy smile going on; everything is good!

I have decided that to kick this weird sadness I’ve been feeling for Dan, I am going to be little miss super, duper happy pants from here on out. Sure I’ve tried this before but I always end up forgetting what I’m trying to accomplish. After you pull yourself out of the rut and things feel better, it becomes easy to forget what your initial goal was because at that moment things are fine. But I need to spend every moment, whether I’m sad or already as happy as Fridees make me, thinking the most positive, happy thoughts. Only then will I have that overall glass half full attitude. It needs to come naturally to me, but since it’s not in my genes, I’m going to have to force it!

I want to find other things I can spend my time on, things that will bring me that fulfilled feeling. And although I’d like to volunteer or something, I must keep in mind that school and work come first. School is getting ready to start and little Jenny Fassler has to be prepared. Put on her thinking cap and whatnot.

I still have this feeling like I am doing everything I do for the person I’m supposed to be with. I know that God knows me. I know that God knows that I know that he makes things happen for a reason, and that all of this heartache and pain I feel over Dan is necessary in the end. I can finally say that I can take something away from that relationship. I want someone like Dan, only he needs to have a touch of Cory, just a touch though, not too much or else he won’t be like Dan any more. He’ll need to wear a sliver of his heart on his sleeve. I need the intellectual part though because I need to learn something from him. Cory already taught me everything I need to know about music. Now look at me! I am a little music buff! With all of my awesome records and ability to dissect a song the first time I hear it. Man I kick ass!

What have I learned from Dan? I learned that rain, or precipitation, is formed when really hot, moist air hits really cold, dense air. So feasibly, it could rain from my mouth.
I also learned that I’m good at running and playing Frisbee.

Within myself, I learned that I can control my anger. Not completely, but to the extent where I’m not screaming and yelling.

I learned that I want someone just like Dan. It is unfortunate that things didn’t work out, but what am I going to do? Sit here and pine for him? I could do that and easily too! Actually that comes more naturally to me than picking myself up when I fall. I like to just sit there and feel sorry for myself because I don’t ever feel like anyone is going to feel sorry for me. But why the hell would I want that? I don’t want anyone’s sympathy. What I wish worked was when Dan would just tell me to just do something. He said it was so frustrating for him because it’s all of th, but I make it hard. And its so true! I would get all put out about school when I would think, “How am I going to pay for this?” He would say, “Student loans, financial aid, anything!” That’s the kind of attitude I had hoped to learn from him. I realize now that I was looking for him to rescue me much like Cory did. I wanted him to make me see that I am smart. But I can’t do that to people. I can’t expect anything from them. Nothing. And I’m not saying this with a VBA or anything. I’m saying it from a rational stand point. You will spend your entire life waiting for someone to do what you want them to, or become who you want them to become. OR you can accept them as they are, except the things that they do and the choices that they make and love them for it. I also came to realize that if Dan loved me, I would know I was finally good enough to be loved. Since I hold him in such a high regard, I couldn’t help but put tons of stock in his opinion. Silly girl. Yes, Dan is an amazing individual. He’s one of the best people I’ve ever known and he has such a huge, caring heart. But that doesn’t mean he’s better than me. Fuck, I’m better than most people I know! Dan wouldn’t have wasted his time on me if I was stupid or fat or ugly, etc. He holds himself in too high of a regard to settle for someone any less than what he thinks he deserves! At the same time, I have realized that I am way too good for him. He doesn’t deserve this heart of mine. He definitely does not deserve this hot body of mine!

I love that everything is so clear in retrospect. That is truly amazing.

**Final Thought**
I am fucking smart. I am fucking funny. I am a fucking stone cold fox for Christ’s sake! I can’t think of any guy in the world who wouldn’t want this with the exception of Daniel Larremore.

Je suis soulagé...

I came to the realization that my ego is bruised. I don't care as much about Dan as I thought I did. Which makes me feel really ridiculous... for behaving the way I have...
It feels really nice to recognize how awful he is for me and there's nothing particularly wrong with him, he's just not right for me.

School starts next Monday! ^_^ I am so pumped.

Dylan's birthday party is on Saturday and I'm really looking forward to it. I'm excited to go swimming and hang out with very real, nice people. I'm planning on waking up early again and going for a run around Crown Hill.

I used to go record shopping every Sunday so I'm going to get back into that routine. That always makes me feel so great. I think after I pay off part of my credit card, I'm going to buy a Game Cube or something relatively inexpensive. I really need to finish Zelda and the Windwaker... that game haunts me!

I'm going to go watch some Bleaches now! :D

<3

Wednesday.

I made this cute little avatar today. I have a name for her but it's private.

I haven't watched any more Elfen Lied. I'm too scared it will make me cry. ;_;

I still thought about Dan today. Less than yesterday I'm sure. Nicole sent me some sad song which prompted me to cry for about two minutes.

I was told that I don't want him. But if I don't want him, then WHY DO I WANT HIM?!?!? >:\

I had a training class today. "Discover Your Strengths". First part in a two day course. We'll see...

Larissa is dating a guy. I'm happy for her! ^_^

Ryan said he would burn me Booba. <3

Goodnight.

La vie exige seulement de vous la force que vous possédez

Life only demands from you the strength you possess

By the way...

...I am the man. I ran almost two miles today. I inadvertently ended up doing something completely selfless for someone else which in turn made me feel pretty good.

The sky knows that we bleed over our cagoules

He must know what he's doing. He must know that this is not enjoyable. I do not relish in any of my pain. I don't not sit here, counting the pieces of my broken heart. I am not painting pictures, hanging them above my bed, then ripping them to shreds and burning them. I am not "staring endlessly into eyes that are not mine". I do not sit in nothing other than silence and sad songs. I am not writing about him. I am not thinking about him. I am not not wanting him. I definitely don't want his arms around me right now nor do I care for kisses. I am not crying. I am not devastated. I am not sulking in the remains of myself. Can you tell when I'm lying? I can tell you I have not lied entirely here. I am most definitely not crying though! ^_^ Most things spoken are derived from truth or some form of it. There are secrets I would rather keep to myself. Some things can only be appreciated if kept unseen and unheard. Unfulfilled. What I am doing, that which I can assure you with much certainty, is listening to French rap which has to be the best music I have ever heard in my whole entire life. You can't understand what he's saying, and that's what I'm saying. Some things are so much better, mean so much more, when you don't completely understand them. If I knew at this moment (which I do because I just read a quick translation or "traduction") he was rapping about living in Miami Beach and being rich, I wouldn't really care for it as much as I do. Don't get me wrong, and if you know me at all, then you at least know this, I love ALL music. Especially awesome rap. And you wouldn't ever know it by just looking at me. I have that "scene" look. I find that I often confuse people with how I am. My psychiatrist commented once on how "mind boggling" I was because here I was such a shy girl, one with no self esteem but I had a pierced nose and a huge tattoo on her arm; these things only attracted people to me when all I really wanted was to remain unseen and unknown. Anyway back to the amazing French rap (I'm listening to Booba by the way). Dan (I'm going to try to remain rational here... no Fucking Asshole label necessary... I suppose... this is hard... oh man...) was supposed to burn me a CD of all of this but he never did. And I want to ask him, as a consolation prize or as compensation for him breaking my heart yet a second fucking time, will he please burn the fucking CD for me? Is it really that fucking hard? Do you expect me to believe that it takes up more than .0000000001% of your day? Are you fucking for real? After the bullshit that you pulled! Unbelievable. And this shit about you breaking up with me (yes through an email!) I almost don't believe it to be true, I almost believe that I ended it and for some reason I'm blocking it out and replacing it with one where I'm in love with you and not the exact opposite. Or perhaps I did end it, like I always seem to do, inadvertently, where my subconscious gets the best of me, and makes me do crazy things, behave in really odd ways and make really stupid choices and decisions to the point where it leaves one wondering, "What the fuck?', and not just my "victims" but myself as well are left to linger in this thought. So I think I'm left to conclude:

"Sometimes these things just don't work out."

And take I will solace in the fact that with each day that God gives me, Daniel will fade just like all of the rest of them. Nothing special. Nothing meaningful. Just another notch in my bedpost and one of those faces that's hard to recall.

<3

You can't complain when you're this good.

5:40 am- woke up and drove to Crown Hill lake

6:20- 7:40- ran around the lake (ran half, walked half, ran half, walked half)

7:50- breakfast at Whole Foods

8:20- walk around Belmar (which is nicer than it sounds. no one was around, just me)

8:45- 10:50- worked

11:15-12:00- showered

12:30-2:00- went to Dan's so I could download a driver that I needed to make the internet work at home

2:30- present- got the internet to work, download a bit torrent thingy and then started downloading Bleaches! ^_^

Overall its been a fantastic day and I can't say that I've been happier this week. First off all, I must address the issue of Dan. Despite what some might have thought, Dan and I did not sleep together. There were people Nicole Ryan who were almost certain that we would but we didn't even come close. We are both mature adults and even though I am STILL panging for him, the visit was not affected nor did it have any kind of impact on me. It felt good to see him and be copacetic but I expecting nothing. As far as I know, he has absolutely no desire to get back together with me. As far as I'm concerned, he's moved on and started dating someone else. I refuse to sit around and pang for him. That's not me being stubborn, it's me finally accepting that its over. I don't like it, I'm not going to lie to you, I hate it. But nothing comes of pining and wasting your time and thoughts on someone who doesn't want you-- and I'm not saying that in a bitter tone, again, it's acceptance. This is Jen being mature.

Moving on, my run was awesome. The breakfast and latte afterward were even better. Dan once told me about this particular taste one gets in their mouth after working out a lot or burning fat or something and I had that taste! Its because my thighs felt like they were going to separate themselves from me and say, "Screw you, we're going home!" But I pushed myself really hard, as I always try to do. That's what makes every run worthwhile. If you only push yourself to where you feel comfortable or even tolerable, you miss out on the satisfaction that comes with "domination". Its a great feeling of accomplishment for me. I found that I enjoy running alone a lot more.

Work was great and really productive. This entire day has actually felt extremely productive for me, especially consider the past few Saturdays I've had.

Things have just really perked up around here and I'm way pumped. I am so SO excited for school. I am, like, the MOST pumped I've ever been for all of this kick ass anime coming my way. Wow. I have control and it feels really good. I will not base my self worth off of other's conclusions about my value. I am the MAN!