Does it ever seem that every thing is almost too perfect? Like things just fall into place really quickly and you don’t notice it while it’s happening but afterward you kind of laugh and wonder why you worried about anything in the first place? I always assert that these moments prove that God exists. I know that once I start getting really heavy into science, my faith may waver, but there is a part of me that likes to think I won’t let that happen. Even the horrible things, the awful pain and devastation one can feel is for a reason. And there is a moment during those times when I know that I am feeling these things for a reason which gives me some sort of relief, if even just for a second. I think about myself a lot; I analyze every movement and breath. Every thing is given the most considerable amount of reflection before it’s allowed to happen. I spend too much time doing these things. I must learn to trust my natural reactions. There are times when I forget; when I’m most happy I’m too concerned with what’s making me happy to think about scratching my face or sniffing my nose. It only gets bad when I’m down. I think that’s when the low self esteem takes hold and I allow it, every single time. As if I have no control at all, and I wonder sometimes if that’s the real difference between men and women, that they can control themselves in certain areas and vice versa. Perhaps ours is sexual control. Theirs just happens to be emotional. Again I’m brought back to the thought of God; like he designed us to be like puzzle pieces rather when we’re singular we’re incomplete. You only become whole when you find that person that finishes you, that starts where you left off. Someone who has everything you’re lacking. Can this be reality? Is this really the way things are supposed to be? The strengths class I took at work is going to prove far more useful than originally thought. My strengths are adaptability, empathy, input, intellection, and learner. It’s actually really got me thinking. The theory is that is you try to balance out your weaknesses with your strengths. So that’s what I’m going to attempt to keep in mind. When I feel myself reacting in a ridiculous manner, I need to pull one of my strengths out to analyze from that point of view. I’m a bit skeptical so we’ll see. It also seems to be on the nature side of the nature verses nurture argument (I personally believe it’s both). Thom seems pretty convinced by it. He always teaches with such passion, it’s really quite incredible. His baby is darling. Her name is Gwen, she’s fifteen months but apparently she’s got the mind of a two year old. I’m pretty sure that’s a good thing but I don’t know much when it comes to children and babies. We went out to lunch today and he had one of those “fatherly moments”, the ones that I picture my dad having when I was small. I hope that by graduating college, I will be giving him that right again. My mother is always so proud, no matter what and I’m certain she’ll be beaming but there’s just something more about my father’s approval. Anyway, we to Chipotle and I finally tried the hot salsa. It’s delicious! I don’t know what else I would expect from Chipotle?! My goodness… Back to the class, I found that one of the supervisors and I have a lot in common. It’s kind of weird actually because he used to creep me out a little. Overall it was a great experience and seeing Thom again made me realize that he is a good person to have in your life. When I think about that the fact that I took that class only because it was suggested to me by the trainer of a class that April made me take because she was resentful towards me because I went to HR about her, it sends me into a spiral of thoughts. Do the choices I make now really influence so much? Do they cause some crazy string of events to occur? Do I actually have that much control? Will what I learn today have some relevance in the future? Am I taking psychology because that was the only class left or am I taking it for some great purpose? Am I really one of “those” people? Am I really going to start attributing every thing to God? Or worse yet, destiny? Gross.
Oh and I’m over Dan. It hit me a few days ago; we’re just not right for each other and that’s all there is to it! My God you would think I was of below average intelligence or something! I’ve actually been fucking up all over the place lately but I don’t feel like outing the idiot inside of me, so I think I’m going to finish up here.
Dylan is coming over to cook dinner for me. I wish there was a little emoticon a bit more serious for discontent. Other than your normal, garden variety douchey looking ones. This :( or this D: this stupid one :\ so on and so forth… Anyway, all this means is that I have to clean this fucking apartment. Just pick it up. But I’m lazy!!! >:\
