The world has turned and left me here, just where I was, before you appeared.

I’m all upset over the Asshole, again! Its so frustrating going through break ups, one minute you’re fine, you have that “fuck him, he’s missing out” attitude and then the very next second, you’re balling your eyes out, reading old emails from him. The ones where he says he can’t stop thinking about you. The one that has a picture attached where he’s outlined how you’ve broken his heart by not meeting with him. [see picture to the right] Where did that person go? I was under the impression that things would get better, that his feelings would evolve and we would be in love in no time. I was far too optimistic, just like every girl is. We’re all still hopeful children, wanting to believe that everyone has the best of intentions. Everything is as good as chocolate ice cream. And then the cold, hard reality sets in. Ice cream SMASHED in our faces!

I have a theory. Life is tough. Or is it? No. It’s not life that’s difficult, it’s specific things, catalysts if you will, which torment us and push us to our limits. Men/ boys are catalysts. A friend of mine says she’s a masochist because of how much she gets hurt by men. I’m convinced I am also a masochist. I set myself up for failure every time. And upon further reflection, I find myself asking, “Why did I do that? I could have made things so much easier if I hadn’t gotten hurt by him.” The thought that also crosses my mind quite often is, “why can’t I be like them? Why can’t I just stop caring?!” I am in a very frustrating position at the moment.

He’s agreed to give me my animes. Initially he said he would burn them onto DVDs for me (originally, when we were together, he said he wasn’t able to burn them). Yesterday he sent me an email asking if I had gotten the laptop, which I did, and then he proceeded to ask to me to bring it over so he could put the anime on it. What do I do?

Ryan the Temp has offered to take the laptop on my behalf. I’m a bit confused as to why he’s being so helpful with this. The thought just occurred to me that perhaps the Asshole has already moved on. The thought of that just sent a lovely pukey feeling straight to my tummy. Perfect.

I am torn though. Will I be viewed as juvenile if I go that route? I want him to suffer, as I have, as I am. I want to talk about boys in front of him. I want him to get jealous and feel bad and then miraculously change into the picture of perfection I painted of him long ago. I am so weak right now. I am so confused. I am so sick. I am so hurt.

I am still devastated.