I had an okay weekend. I hung out with my friends Adam and Saira on Friday night. I haven’t seen Adam in ages, probably a couple of years. We both look so different that we had much to discuss; especially our appearances. It was definitely good to see him. Saira and her boyfriend Donovan have kind of been in a weird place lately. They hardly ever see each other and it seems like he doesn’t care. Its sad because all signs point to him breaking up with her. We had a good long, LOOOONNNNGGG talk about boyfriends. For the first time, I was able to relate to her. Dan and Donovan are very much the same. Feeling not good enough, not smart enough, not wanted, etc are traits of both of our relationships. It felt good to talk about Dan.
Saturday was difficult. I had to wake up early so I could make sure I was on time to pick up my mom for my cousin’s high school graduation. I threw on my white “hippie- go- lucky” dress and a blue tank top. I was walking out the door, nay, running out the door, when she called to say that she had a headache and wouldn’t be able to make it. I was a bit irritated by this because of the lack of sleep and marijuana hang over. I went to Starbucks and got a Frappacino which proceeded to leak onto my white skirt!!! I attempted to lick it but to no avail; you could still see the faint brown oblong smack dab in the middle. I sucked it up and headed to Boulder. The drive was longer than I remembered; I haven’t been up there since Cory, and that’s been a couple of years. When I arrived, Larissa and her mom were waiting for me. Larissa has been short with me for the past week or so, ever since Dan and I parted ways. Believe me, it’s not because all I do is talk about him. Exactly the opposite; and it came back to bite me in the ass. Anyway, Larissa was in a rushed, grouchy mood so I just hung out with her mom. Her dad clearly wasn’t expecting me (thanks Larissa) so I had to sit alone. That was fine, I’m a big girl.
I have never been to a graduation before. It was actually a great experience. The speakers were amazing. The first speaker, who was a student, spoke so eloquently, so calmly, that you would think he had been doing it for years. More over, his speech was interesting, motivating, it totally wrapped you in. I wonder if he was in debate… There was this one woman, who had left some pages of her speech some where else but recovered brilliantly. She said a couple of things that brought me a lot of hope.
“Anything worth having is worth waiting for.”
And “The only one who can make you happy is you. The only one who can help you succeed is you.”
There is so much truth in these statements and even though they are simple, they resounded within me and almost brought me to tears. I sat in the CU auditorium looking around, envisioning myself there. I am very hopeful that I will succeed with school.
I saw a few teachers from my past and decided not to approach them. I have not yet accomplished anything that I’m proud of. It’s pointless to engaged in conversation that will be one sided.
I ended up leaving before the ceremony ended because I had a cough- attack. I walked back to my car and decided I would call Dan to see if he wanted to play Frisbee. He didn’t answer so I left him some bullshit message about checking the internet on my computer. No one called me all day. I sat inside, alone, with nothing to do. I played guitar for a while. I taught myself the G chord and D/F#. Those are tricky but fun once you master them. I’m trying to learn my first song. On Demand has free lessons but the songs they have are hit or miss. The one I’m learning is American Pie. I’ve always loved that song. Larissa came over shortly there after and we went out to dinner. Her mood was so shitty. I think it set the tone for Sunday and Monday. Stupid little grouch. She has had the WORST attitude for such a long time that its becoming hard to shake it off.
Sunday was the day from hell. Well maybe today was that. For fuck’s sake, both days were just god awful. I texted Dan in the morning, around ten, to ask him if he would be done with my laptop. Instead of simply writing me back with a yes or no answer, he decides to call. I was taking a piss at the time so I didn’t answer. When I got back to my phone, I noticed it had very little battery left. I called him and we spoke briefly before my phone shut off. I couldn’t get the piece of shit to turn back on. I fucked around with the charger, took the fucker apart, and NOTHING! So now I’m pissed, I’m crying my eyes out because, guess what? I love Dan. And I’m cell phone- less. Fucking great. So I drove aaaaaallllllllll the way downtown to go to the Cingular store. I found parking right away which was nice but then, low and behold, those assholes are closed on Sundays. Oh man, you can bet I was fuming! I spent the entire day perfecting the new chords I learned. That’s it. I watched some Real World, something on Steve Jobs and the iPod, Family Guy and then Office Space.
To top this all off:
I’m still sick, hacking up a fucking lung every few minutes.
I come into work, both of my girls called in and I’m left here to train a new girl who barely gets the concept of double- clicking.
I check my messages and Dan had left the SNOTTIEST message I’ve ever heard. He was pissed because he had set aside time for me last week to put the animes onto my computer. Long story short, he wasn’t able to put them onto my computer anyway. This coming from Mr. Self- proclaimed Genius man. Whatever. So the whole thing has just been a big fucking waste.
I’ve had a terrible day and really all I want is to go home. All I want is a nice guy, to hug me and say, ‘I love you, really I do, for everything you and even more for the things you aren’t.’ I won’t hold my fucking breath…
Ryan the Temp, perceptive as usual, attempted to make me feel better. Little does he know that really, all his presence does is make things worse. I’m either reminded of that Fucking Asshole Dan or I’m reminded of the fact that I like him and there’s no way I’ll ever have him.
Two good things tried to balance out this day. 1) I applied for a great job at Corporate Express. 2) I got 100% on my audit
**Final Thought**
Ahhh sweet frustration. Ahhhh sweet self hatred. Welcome back, you’ve both been terribly missed.
