I feel like I'm afraid of everything. Like fear is my default emotion rather than happiness or depression. Don't get me wrong, not having a depressive emotion for the last six months has been nice as hell but only to replace it with fear seems like I'm getting the shit end of what was already a poop-covered stick.
I'm having an antipasti-inspired lunch today. Cheese and sweet snap peas, baby carrots and seaseme crackers, cranberries, peanuts and water. Perfecto! I like breaking the snap peas open and eating the seeds one by one before gobbling up the super crisp, super sweet shell. As I sit here eating my delicious lunch and dwelling on things like school, work, and a lack of friends (and boyfriends for that matter) I find one reocurring theme: fear. I'm scared, I think, because I feel like I've reached an unchangable point in my life, like I've made such bad mistakes no amount of effort will ever clear them up:
1. School - boy did I mess up big time here. I can say it's not my fault, which I still don't feel it is, but at some point you have stop fighting simply for principal's sake and start taking steps in the right direction again. About a year and a half ago, I decided to change schools on a whim. First mistake. I decided to go to Red Rocks for a bit since all of my friends were switching over. Flawed logic much? So I went ahead and signed up for some classes only to find that MoneyGram was going to be sending me on a business trip to Minneapolis. I wanted to be responsible, to keep my gleamingly clean record the way it was, with a bright and shiny 3.8 GPA to wow DU. I decided to play it safe, drop the classes, and resume the following semester barring any more excursions ala MG. So I went onto the website, the one I had used to register, and found my classes weren't on there. "Okay", I say to myself, "the normal Jen would take that for what its worth and move on but I'm Responsible Jen today so I'll give Red Rocks a call just to make sure that I was removed from my courses." Second mistake. While my intent was fucking awesome, my reliance upon the female student who answered the phone was not. I trusted what she said which was that I would be automatically dropped from my classes for non-payment. I didn't need to do anything through the website or through her. The website, in fact, was going through a make-over, I was told, and that's why I didn't see the classes. So I said thank you and went about my day, my trip, the rest of my year until last March when I received a W2 or W4 (I can never remember which) from Red Rocks. Out of curiosity, I called them. Again, Responsible Jen wanted to clear up any kind of miscommunication or confusion. Third mistake. I was told that not only did I owe Red Rocks money for that semester of courses but that I also received four Fs on my transcript.
4.
Fs.
On my BEAUTIFUL college transcript!
So I did what most people would do: asked what happened, what went wrong, what I should have done and what I needed to do to fix it. I was told the Fs may be negotiable but the money was not. I was pissed. I hung up the phone, not before politely disconnecting (not her fault I was given misinfo) and started getting ready to fight them. I got all kinds of things together, from screen shots of my transcript to things written on their website and called them a day later, after I felt cooled down and armed to the teeth. But no, things were not that simple and I would have to schedule and attend a meeting with someone, a female, in the admissions office. I gave up. I did. Just like that, I rolled over, shoved my folder of weapons under an evergrowing pile of credit card offers and paid bills, and tried to put the whole Red Rocks fiasco out of my mind. Which worked. Until a few days ago when I started getting a wild hair up my ass to go back.
Let me clear up one thing: I go to school because I like it. Yes I see the value in a degree but I have also seen where it fails - it is not a guarantee of a job or of more money (or of compentecy for that matter!), in fact the only guarantee you get is the fact that you'll be receiving a grade on this thing called a 'transcript' - no guarantee that you'll even receive the piece of paper that I used to long for so badly. Their value is terribly inflated but don't get me wrong, I still see how degrees play into life.
I miss studying so bad you have no idea. I know, I know, I'm a fucking freak but I do! I miss it. I want to be pushed against a deadline, forced to interact with other students, challanged to the point of pulling my hair out. I want 150 pages to read for one class and 250 for the rest all to be completed in one night. I miss the structure and the chaos that college courses bring.
I miss school... but I'm scared...
I now have the fiduciary security (kind of) to clear up my debt to Red Rocks. That's fine. The problem is convincing them to take those Fs off. I know that I should start with a phone call - a simple, straight to the point conversation to see what I can do and what they can do for me. Perhaps the offer still holds that if I pay every penny they'll change the Fs to Ws (withdrawls or drops) or perhaps it doesn't. Perhaps I'll have to take time out of my work day, without pay, to get this cleared up. What is the worst that happens? I pay and keep the Fs? Re-take the classes? I could try to weasle my way back into ACC but I fear that the two colleges are in cahoots - that each night they exchange academic pillow talk about one Jennifer Fassler and her failures at life.
I eventually would like to make my way to CU Denver. I really would. I would like, one day, to don a cap and gown and walk, like really walk, with all of the confidence in the world that I was able to finish something.
Game Plan #1 - call Red Rocks tomorrow to get the low down on what can and what can't be done. Then go from there.
2. Work - I really don't like being a contractor - able to fired at will for no reason, no health insurance, no respect and no shot at internal positions. It's disheartening and frightening. I gave Daniel Lee my word that I would stay until the end of my contract and I have every intention of doing so but I'm starting to get a little worried because I'd like someone to want me to be their employee. Now I finally know just how my mom and Tim have felt through every application and interview that doesn't result in a job offer. I just have to be strong... but I'm scared...
Game Plan #2 - stick it out and grow a pair of balls. Ask Daniel if you're able to apply for internal positions once the day gets closer.
3. Friends - well there isn't a whole lot I can do here retroactively. Most of what's done is done and it's hard to go back and pretend like angry texts and impulsive reactions didn't happen. I can try to actually discuss what I've said and done with the people who've been hurt by them...but I'm scared...
Game Plan #3 - move forward and don't let the past dictate your future. Don't let what you've done keep you where you are, but rather see the damage it wreaked on the world and try hard not to repeat the same mistakes.
Kirsten put it the best way: stop caring. Everytime something pops into your head that makes you feel irrationally fearful, just tell your brain "I don't care".
I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care.
We'll see if this works.
