Thur. Apr. 16, 2009
Fassociated Press
The Fassociated Press reported on Wednesday that the front of man of industrial rock band Nine Inch Nails is actually the son of God. Scientifically the claim remains unconfirmed however our sources indicate that Reznor is in fact the worldly embodiment of the Lord. It was God Himself who purported to set the record straight on Wednesday morning during a televised press conference from the Vatican. God, or as he prefers to be called, The Dude, claimed that man’s view of Jesus has been greatly misconstrued, “[he] has been depicted as such a wuss, look at him,” said the Lord, pointing his finger, his face contorted with disgust, at the crucifix on the wall, “who could ever be proud of that? Have you seen Michael [Reznor's first name]? Adonis compared to this disappointment! Give me a little credit here! Don’t you think when choosing my vessel I’d pick something a little less metro and a bit more bad ass?” God attempted to resolve the issue of Jesus’ alleged crucifixion. “Listen, can one of you explain the logic you’re using when swallowing this load of crap?” He added, “I know I ask a lot, blind faith and whatnot, but come on! Come oooon!” He winked and nudged Saint Peter in an attempt to lighten the mood but his joke fell flat like the stance Bill O'Reilly takes when presenting for Rush Limbaugh. “How did Mary get pregnant huh? I am the All Mighty Lord and all but there are limits to my power. Look at Rosie O’Donnell! I tried to Ctrl+Alt+Delete her but every time I hit ‘End Now’ nothing would happen, she just keeps on living, and probably will continue to... I knew I should have gone with Steve [Jobs].” He said with a shudder. Following the press conference Christians around the world vented their outrage and dismay at the news. 
In Paris, TX at the Miracle of the Lord Baptist church, Father Bobby Joe Gilstrap was "flabbergasted to be utterly honest with you. That guy?! That is our savior? I can't take this religion seriously anymore! God’s asking for a whole hell of a lot more than blind faith with this one. I’m going to the strip club.” Christian title-toting and sexually abstinent Barnie Scurge, from his living room in Nazareth, NJ said, “Is this the guy who sings that song, the one about fornicating with animals? So that’s okay then… good I’ve been wondering because I told my girlfriend that I’m still a virgin and I would hate for that to be a lie, being that it's a sin to lie.”
Reznor's fans, however, are ecstatic. "It's simply confirmation of something we already know," said self-proclaimed number one fan of Reznor, Clarice Harrison from Denver, CO.
Taking full advantage of His time on earth, God attempted to explain some of life’s great mysteries, “The roof of your mouth gets butchered by Cap’n Crunch for a reason you gluttonous sons of bitches,” and “on the seventh day I rested because I got high," mimicking Afroman's 2000 hit, Because I Got High.
He warned, “Don’t touch the Queen of England. If you do you’ll be forced into spending an eternity being the single sweaty bed sheet shared by George W. Bush and Tony Blair during their “NATO (Naughty Ass Taint Oyster) Summits.” He even shined a light on mysterious-o super villain Kim Jong Il
who he said "is actually an eighty-five year old Korean woman going through an extended period of menopause.”
Next Week: Satan claims his soul has been absorbed by Ann Coulter. “Burr! It’s cold in here. Help me. Please,” he was over heard saying through her gritted teeth during an intimate moment with Wednesday's Douche Bag of the Day™ winner (inset).
™Registered trade mark of Trent Reznor
*the photo of Ann Coulter has not been altered in any way with the exception of the inset photo
