Of course I am obsessed. Should I expect anything else from myself and my eternally fleeing interest in anything? I come at it in full force with my heart and soul pushing their chips across the table to bet big on this thing or that only to lose it all in an hour, or week or month, so on.

I can't shake him like I couldn't shake Adnan. The story is far too compelling and I thought yesterday that perhaps the reason for my curiosity, amusement, interest, and so on, is perhaps because I am terrified of death, and / or perhaps because I am disgusted with the human body and everything it is. But I don't think that's the reason. I fear (and say this out of complete honesty) that perhaps I align more with Andrew Jarecki than I do with the police officers who arrested Durst.... I wonder if perhaps my fascination is with the fact that this person is not evil, he is obviously (to me) not crazy, does not appear to have socio-or psychopathic characteristics; no, he seems to be like everyone else...

I am intrigued by the thought that anyone, myself included, could do something like this. Most of us tend to use mental illness as the dividing line between ourselves and a murderer. We are not crazy so we would never kill someone else. I think with Durst, what I've seen at least, he shows us that we are capable of such things and that most of us, if presented with the opportunity (whether created intentionally or not) may do the same thing. Of course you will "poo poo" this however the more I think about all of this, the more I start to feel that I am onto something.

I still feel sorry for him, this man who has taken the lives of God knows how many. I see him small and feeble, with black beady eyes... burping and trying with all his might to keep down whatever bile mixture is rising up his throat, to not blink too many times or too hard, to not touch his face or allow his eyes to dart to the left, or the right, whichever it is that indicates someone is lying. He lies so gracefully, with such ease that I'm forced to ponder, once again, the question: Does anyone really have incentive to tell the truth?

I wonder, would things have turned out the same had he not gone and worked for his father, had he been able to pursue the life he wanted with Kathy? Or would he, eventually, for another reason or the same, have done the same thing to her. I wonder if they'll find her... I wonder if he'll tell them where she is...

I wonder why he didn't want to have children? Was it just a dislike for them or was there something darker, more malicious breathing life into that decision? Like maybe he feared he would be a bad father. Or maybe he was afraid of passing along tarnished genes?

What caused his father to make the decision not to have him take over the company? Voiced disinterest or something, again, darker and more malicious?

I want it ALL to be bad, I want the truth to be horribly disgusting and terrifyingly revolting. I want to be astonished. Dismayed. Made to hate him rather than pity him... that little old man who had the wherewithal to become a woman, to change his name many times over yet be so careless to steal a sandwich... to write a letter...

Why do I want to bear witness to so much darkness, to so much inhumanity? What carnal need is that going to satisfy?

I'm not sure how long this will last, this seemingly raging interest in him. I'm not sure how far I'll take this?

Today I wonder if perhaps Kathy left of her own volition? Maybe she finally came to terms with his violent, physical outbursts and realized that when coupled with his seemingly limitless resources, he would surely make her life a regretable one if she continued to upset and defy him. Perhaps instead of being killed by him, she came to the conlusion that she might be killed by him and took off into the night. She could have changed her name and vowed never to speak to her friends or family again?

I would like to note, now that I've brought up friends of Kathy, that one of her associates seemed to take her disappearance just a bit too hard, for a bit too long. Alcholism, loss of job, alienation from friends who were still around.... just a very strong reaction that eclipsed the grief of Kathy's own family. I'm not sure why I even bring this up, am I inferring that she had something to do with it? I'm not quite sure...